§narkie.blogspot.com

Migration

2011-01-05T02:49:00.000+11:00

Just cause I felt like it :)

omnomnomism right here!

Friends please update your links as it's likely that I won't be blogging here again often. Some things are meant to be left as it is.

I will always love this blog though. So many years, so many memories...

Happy 2011.

Dust

2010-11-11T18:12:00.002+11:00

After returning home from a long day at work, I gladly leaped into my bed for a well-deserved nap, although sunlight was still streaming in through my window.

Suddenly, I froze. My violent landing on my bed had kicked up a swirling vortex of dust, caught by the sunlight that pierced through my blinds.

I was in awe, for the dust wasn't grey.

It was sparkling. SPARKLING. In all colours of the rainbow! And here I thought all these while that dust only existed in shades of grey. But now...now I could have jumped in a pile of glitter and it would appear no different.

But seriously? Rainbow-ific dust? Anyway, I was so fascinated that I didn't sleep until much later. For ages, I just lay down, facing the sunlight at an acute angle, thumping Mr. Bump (my pillow-y toy) again and again, endlessly amazed by the whirling frenzy.

I wish someone would photograph it. I wonder how they'll be able to do it. Maybe someone has already done it. I don't know. How can one focus a lens on something so tiny and eternally in motion is beyond me. This goes to show nothing beats our own lens. We are still superior to commercial cameras!

Anyway, it just struck me that dust is 80% shed human skin. And who has glittering skin?

FFFFFUUUUUUUUU-

(But seriously though. The shiny dust really wowed me.)

Sex and Marriage

2010-10-10T22:17:00.001+11:00

Was bored last night so I was reading Offbeat Bride to pass time. It's basically a website where people share their unconventional/personal wedding ceremonies and experiences. I got hooked on the site when I first saw the post on the gamer-lesbian wedding ceremony. OMG gorgeous dresses and a companion cube wedding cake? Rings offered on a Pink DSL? *geeks out*

Anyway, I'm straying off topic as usual. What I wanted to blog today is some quotes from the comments section of an article that was linked off Offbeat Bride.

As some of you know, I have spoken about premarital sex and 'waiting' before. I've been fairly passionate about this topic for a while now, and even debated it last year with my class and my English lecturer and more recently, my mother. I received mostly negative responses from all parties, but I understand that everyone's viewpoints and beliefs will differ from mine.

Basically, my points were:

1. Marriage should be about finally committing to the love of your life, not as a 'license' to have 'guilt-free sex.'

2. Having premarital sex with someone you love and trust should not be a guilt-ridden and sinful experience. Sex is not a crime, it is a life experience that you share with someone special.

3. Even if you have had premarital sex and gotten pregnant unintentionally, you should not have to be pressured into marrying the guy who got you pregnant if you don't think he is the one for you. You've already made one big mistake (assuming that the baby wasn't intended and you are incapable of supporting one,) so why make another by tying yourself down to someone you don't love?

While debating with my classmates over premarital sex, I asked one boy what he would do if he knocked up his girlfriend. He responded with "marry her of course!" I then asked him why.

"Why? I got her pregnant, it is my duty to marry her!"

I then asked everyone if they feel this demeans the purpose of the marriage - to correct a 'sin' instead of being a gesture of love and commitment.

I was then met with incredulous looks.

Okay, fine. Call me crazy if that makes you feel better.

I had the same talk with my mother. We were talking about a girl that we knew that was pregnant at 17 and married the guy who knocked her up. They divorced not long after, so I asked my mom what's the point of marrying him if you feel it's not going to work out anyway?

"To protect the family from shame."

I then stated that people will know that she has premarital sex anyway when the baby pops out less than 9 months after the wedding, so why bother trying to cover it up?

She then changed the topic and almost accused me for trying to justify me having premarital sex. I responded that I have not done so, and do not intend to do so any time soon. But she kept repeating herself - 'shame, shame, shame.'

I said that since getting pregnant indicates that you have had premarital sex and brings shame upon the family, the real 'shame' you're talking about is premarital sex, not the fact that you got pregnant right?

So why do you pressure people to get married just because one of them gets pregnant? Just because everyone says it's the 'right' thing to do? Would you have your child grow up in a loveless/premature marriage (I'm just talking about those who marry when they aren't ready or don't feel right) than allow the mother to possibly fall in love with a better partner or have more time to prepare themselves for something as big as marriage?

Of course, these are only my opinions. I understand that everyone has their own view on the matter, but no one should be allowed to force their opinion on someone else. I'm not upset that there are people with more conventional thoughts, but I just want to find out what is behind those thoughts.

What drives them to believe what they believe in? Societal pressure? Religious upbringing? Family honour?

For me, it is ultimately your decision. Sex and marriage are very important and personal things, and no one should dictate how YOU should deal with them. Unfortunately, some people face too much opposition when they try to buck the norms and do what they truly believe in.

Despite all that, I believe that once you are ready and completely emotionally mature, you should be able to do what you want - whether to wait for sex after marriage or otherwise - without being persecuted by the rest of society.

Anyway, these are some quotes that I really liked from A Practical Wedding, the blog mentioned above. I find that they manage to articulate and communicate their points more effectively and succinctly than I could. But then again, I'm still a teenager with a whole bunch of conflicting thoughts and raging hormones. So perhaps you'd rather read my thoughts summed up in a more mature and eloquent way. :)

"Waiting to have sex (or in our case, do anything at all) is hard, and it gets harder when people assume that because SOME of our reasons stem from religion, that means that a) we haven’t thought them out, b) we wait out of fear of going to hell, and c) we dislike/condemn all those people who make different lifestyle choices than ours. Just wanted to say, that while all three of these may be true of some people who are religious and wait because of it, it isn’t true for all ;)"

"There seems to be such an artificial divide between “wacky Bible thumpers” and “liberal, liberated women,” which dominates the discussion. And for so many of us who are living in the middle of this issue, it’s so much more nuanced than that."

"While it is obviously a poor idea to get married impetuously (particularly when very young) just so you can have sex, it is an equally poor idea to get yourself in the situation where you marry someone because you accidentally got pregnant."

"For me, the best part of discussing the topic to death has been seeing FH’s (future husband's) patience and commitment to my comfort, which I think is such a stark contrast to some of the messages that culture at large sends women about how all men are cavemen when it comes to sex."

"I just wish that virgin could be taken out of our vocabulary and that all this talk about “when” could be replaced with “who”. "

"...sex is just sex. Yes it’s important to relationships and should be sacred but by putting so much emphasis on my virginity and what not I was giving it undue importance."

"But regardless, as long as people are thoughtfully making their decisions to have sex the first night, wait til marriage, or anywhere in between, I think you have to respect that. It is when people have sex/don’t have sex without knowing why they are doing so or whether their reasons are good(i.e., a 15 eyar old saying “everyone else is doing it” is obviously not a good reason) that we run into problems."

Links:

Offbeat Bride

A Practical Wedding

Original post on waiting until marriage

And no, this does not mean I'm contemplating marriage or having sex any time soon. It's just an issue I like to read about and discuss :)

Gamer's Rage: A short (true and typical) story

2010-09-24T06:54:00.009+10:00

A quick summary of an ah beng rant (click to enlarge):

This is my side of the story:

I was playing CS - de_dust with some of my friends. We all knew each other at least vaguely and the game was going fine - all light-hearted and funny.

Then, A new player came in, sapuing my whole team easily. As is our custom, we spectate strangers performing well for hacks

That is not to say we accuse everyone who can kill us of hacking. It is rare to find very good player in Garena and we spectate to root out hackers or welcome new, competent players into our small, pathetic CS community. (Yes, this has happened before and I LOVE these honest-to-good CLEAN players to death.)

Anyway, 3 of us spectated the new player and all of us agreed that it was highly probable that he was using a recoil hack. All of us saw his gun recoil go sideways ONLY and did not move on the y-axis at all. Unless all three of our screens were faulty (YEA RIGHT,) this is no way natural in CS game mechanics.

So, we kicked him and got his IP. After we kicked him, I discovered he was a player of a clan that we all knew. [I've had my problems with this clan in the past and as of now, only the clan lord I are civil to each other.]

Anyway, he rejoined the game with a new name, now furious, demanding why we kicked him. I was spectating so I didn't know what they talked about during the game (if they even talked at all), but he was kicked again shortly after.

He rejoined AGAIN with a different name - his 'famous' screen name, which NO ONE but me recognized, and only because I'd played with him before. He was now cursing Clams for being a noob and challenging him to a 1v1, all the while saying 'he doesn't hack' and 'what is Clams' problem? Kick people for no reason? Why host if you wanna kick people?' ...and other rubbish questions.

I chatted with him in spectator more, saying that since he is so clearly unwanted here, why doesn't he just leave and save himself time and the embarrassment of being shunned?

He continued raging in spectator mode while everyone was playing and ignoring him. I watched him rant, half-amused, while I was finishing my ice cream.

Eventually, he either left or got kicked from the game by Clams. The game ended shortly after, the fun mood having being ruined.

This is when the conversation in the public channel took place.

And Clams, the host of the server, who kicked him was the loser's teammate, so his accusation about Clams being a sore loser is complete nonsense. If Clams was truly without sportsmanship, wouldn't he have kept a suspected hacker on his team so that he could continue owning? Illogical -__-

Okay.

Firstly, no one accused you to your face for hacking. So don't get all hot and bothered about it. You made an assumption that WE made an assumption about YOU, so we're even now, right?

Secondly, it is Clams' server and he can kick anyone he wants, whether you like it or not. Having his friends even suspect you of hacking is more than enough reason to kick you. Heck, I even kick spammers, whiners and rude people from my server cause I'M the host and I do whatever the fuck I want. You don't like it? LEAVE.

Thirdly, whoever you are and whatever clan you belong to does not mean shit to us. Your reputation can only carry you as far as your manners can. Who cares whether you are supposedly 'pro' or not when you're as rude as a neglected, spoiled 13-year-old brat?

Fourth, of course, I have been kicked from server for 'hacking' as well, and YES, I do fume initially. But I get the fuck over it (after some expected whining.)

I don't scream in the public channel about how retarded you are or try to pick a fight with you. '1v1 LA COME LA 1v1 LA NOOB YOU THINK YOU SO PRO?' [Clarification: He did this in game, not in the public channel.]

When you get kicked, you just find another server that will take you in and PLAY IN THAT SERVER. What is the point of rejoining the same server and troubling everyone by making them have to kick you again and again? Obviously, we have already decided we don't want you playing with us, and annoying and insulting us isn't going to change our mind one bit.

Fifth, don't bother challenging people 1v1 if your beef with them was because they suspected/accused you of hacking. No blithering idiot would bother competing 1v1 with someone whom they suspect is hacking. Use your brain ffs.

Finally, even if you are NOT hacking (and we all think you are,) you are one fucking nasty player and we don't like you anyway.

Go suck it lahhhh, chao ah beng!

P.s. I wasn't in the convo in the public channel because I promised my bf to remain silent. Admittedly, I have a MUCH smaller tolerance for idiots. I really salute Clams who managed to keep his cool and not rise to provocation :s

2010-09-21T04:55:00.002+10:00

I'm talentless.

I'm heartless.

I'm ugly.

What do I contribute to this world?

Nothing much.

Just some snarky comments and an attitude problem.

*

I'm not looking for pity, not looking for help.

I'm looking for a friend, but are they looking for me?

*

The world is fucked up, so am I.

I can't fix the world; can I fix myself?

I tried, I failed; I'll try again.

Pick myself up, keep on going, stumble repeatedly.

What's life without challenges?

What's life without flaws?

*

I'm only human.

You don't have to like me; I won't be sad.

I'm sad because I don't like myself.

I could be a better person, but I'm not.

Does that make me a waste of space and oxygen?

No, no.

*

There are people around, but I am alone.

You hold my hand, but I won't drag you down;

in the fall that will surely come.

Because I love you.

I'm a whore, but so are you.

I admit it, but do you?

Good night.

I hope you have a pleasant day.

You monster.

Falllinnngggg

2010-09-16T06:05:00.001+10:00

I've been behaving uncharacteristically unattractively lately.

There's probably 12983719783 different problems with that sentence, but that kind of sums up my feelings at the moment.

I've been isolating myself from any sort of friendly activity lately and for some reason, I have a strong urge to do nothing but wallow in self-pity recently.

Which is absolutely pathetic. I'm not in the least pitiful. Watching others struggle with their studies, financial and relationship problems, I feel like I've been blessed to have practically NO problems in my life except my own attitude.

I find myself unable to relate to others when I hear about their monetary struggles and difficulty with studying. Maybe it's because it's been over and done with so long ago, but SPM suddenly seems like a piece of cake to me. History? Difficult? PAH! I revised for history for 3 days straight and got an A1 after failing numerous times throughout the 5 years of high school.

And then I feel like such a shit cause I doubt it was really that easy for me.

I feel like I'm being ungrateful cause here I am, born into a happy, loving family with hardly any trouble whatsoever with anything.

Studies? Bahhh, barely studied but still did fine.

Money? Was under a tight budget at one point when dad was sick again, but otherwise pretty well-off compared to others.

Love? The love of my life pretty much landed in my lap from above with barely any complications (compared to some stories of heartbreak.)

I loved him, he loved me. We met, we hit it off and here we are. No doubts, no jealousy, no emotional baggage. Relationship jackpot? Yes!

Yet, I find myself being a cranky bitch while talking to him lately. I don't know what's up with me, but I just lost my verbal tuner. My conversations seemed tuned in to an abrasive frequency; whatever I've said to people these past few days I regret almost immediately.

Could it be that I have no regard towards the feelings of others? Maybe. But if I really didn't care, why do I feel guilty now?

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I can't bring myself to talk to any of the few friends that I have. I say few because I believe most of the people I know are merely acquaintances who know almost nothing about me and my personality.

And I can't bring myself to act normal in front of them because they might be unable to accept me - sans niceties.

I find myself sugar-coating the things I say these past few years. Only these few days have I truly spoken my mind, and it seems to face solid rejection all round.

I'm sorry, but I'm not the nice girl you thought I was. I'm human, I get jealous, I get irritated, I get selfish, I am occasionally a sore loser.

Only lately, I've started feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to suppress the negativity within me, like I've been doing for so long.

When I control my behaviour and be nice and considerate and tactful, I feel vaguely suffocated. However, when I don't, I feel like I've lost to the bitch within.

It's one thing to be a person who stands by her principles, and another to go out of your way to persecute others with different beliefs.

I used to hate this kind of people, but I'm becoming one myself, actually. :/

I want to be myself, yet I want to be a good person. But is anyone ever born completely good?

I guess I have to learn that retaliating bitter words with more bitterness is futile. I should not have to stoop to another's level to get my point across. Ignoring taunts is not a sign of weakness, but strength, showing that you have control over your own emotions and reactions.

I win when I feel like I've won. And I'm feeling like a bloody sore loser right now.

I sincerely apologize for all the bitter words and spitefulness I have shown lately. I regret all the bitchy posts, but I won't take them down just yet.

There must be a reminder of how low I can sink, and when it's time to stop being childish and vengeful.

I'm 19, I'll be an adult in 2 years. I don't want to grow up, but I have to.

We all have to. (: It may not be time for others yet, so I'll leave them to their malice and spite. But it's time for me to leave that behind and just learn to be self-sufficient and not react to others.

I hope I can do it.

Bitch rant

2010-09-13T20:55:00.002+10:00

Just cause I need to get it out of my system.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Garena CS room is so full of idiots and assholes that I...ARGH!

*rendered speechless for a moment*

Types of people I met today:

1. Curses at you for no reason and talks about sex with your sister/mother/any female relation randomly.

Example:

2. Insults people 'listed' from other countries but no doubt are Malaysian or Singaporean. The best part is that they insult their english with even worse english which is so embarassing I don't know what to do.

Example:

By the way, it's Uzbekistan, asshole. No wonder you can't pronounce it right.

3. English-educated people who think they are fucking superior just because they can speak english better than the ahbengs. AND they must use perfect capitalization and punctuation to show off their linguistic prowess. I say fuck you nerd, this is garena, not a bloody english exam. I bet I could spell better than you, only I don't feel the need to shove my superiority down everyone else's throats by correcting every single typo or grammatical error they make.

Example:

Yea, the perpetrator of crime #2 and #3 are the same person. And just last night, this person forcefully inserted himself into a conversation between me and a couple of friends. (And yes, it is the same person using a different id. His douchebag aura cannot be mistaken.)

We were planning a gathering of CS kakis at ftz at the end of the year, which was what I was telling tubbie about. Tubbie and Dev (Xue) were complaining that subang was too far. I said that it was to make it more convenient for the klang kaki to come (ie Helyna) as most of us can drive/have transport and she doesn't.

And this random fella comes and invites himself along. Wowza. I didn't even know we were friends! Damn thick skin wei. -__-

Anyway, because I'm being extra nice today, let me show you a picture of this wonderful guy. It's a profile picture so I guess it's meant to be shown to the public anyway :/

Yay! A statement shirt and the finger! What a cool person you are!

And since you nitpick on everyone's spelling, grammar and punctuation, let me pick yours to bits!

Regular people don't spend half their night trying to assimilate into a foreign crowd, nor the better part of the day scolding people whose english is not 'on par' with yours. Or scolding strangers when it's none of your business. NERD.

And before you scold people sohai for requesting help with 'walking with ducks,' learn to differentiate between 'pose' and 'post,' and spaces come AFTER punctuation, not before.

Suck it la, nerd. Oh wait, let's not insult the nerds. Suck it la, ASSHOLE.

It is true that I laugh at ah bengs when they butcher english, but I certainly don't insult them (sohai, retard) unless they lansi or are trying to argue with their broken english.

This dude cursed at a stranger who was asking for help nicely. -__- His sense of superiority is ridiculous.

And guess what? If he reads this, he'd be spending all night picking out my grammatical and spelling errors while telling me that 'it's facebook after all, why should I be so uptight with my english?'

Bah. I guess it's more important to show your kehebatan at english at GARENA then, huh?

And yea, he should feel pretty flattered I took a chunk out of my time to rant all about him. He's just so annoying I had to do it.

Babies

2010-09-13T07:50:00.000+10:00

Just a random thought. I remember browsing through the internet and stumbling upon numerous webpages where you can mix faces together to create a new face.

In effect, you can mix your face with another guy/girl's to see how your baby would look like.

They used some 'averaging' technology or what shit to merge the two faces together and produce your 'offspring.' Apparently research also says that the more different the two parent faces are, the more beautiful the child will be. Nothing to do with how good the parents look at all. o_O

Well I don't really understand it but it got me thinking to how MY kids would look like.

HA!

If we 'averaged' down me and my boy's features we would get a child that has:

-Big eyes

-Sharp nose

-Medium-sized upturned lips which may or may not be full (mine are super thin and tiny while his are full and wide)

-A heart-shaped face

-Crooked teeth (damn bad genes on both sides T__T hello braces)

-Relatively straight eyebrows

-Thick, black hair with 2.5 whorls on his/her scalp

-Height of ~5 foot 7.5 inches

-Weight of ~48kg

-Big hands

-Average sized feet

-Broad shoulders

-Small boobs (oh dear lord, kesian if it's a girl)

-Flat tummy

-Medium-long legs

and not to mention..

-SERIOUS gaming tendencies

Haha! Of course I'm not thinking about having kids yet. Don't be silly. But it is always fun to think about how your future child would be. I think I want a girl.

We're gonna train her to be this kick-ass gamer that'll win so much money off tournaments that she doesn't ever have to have a 'real' 9-5 job.

Of course, she's gotta be smart and independant with a kind heart too. :D

Also, I'm gonna groom her to be this super hot supermodel with everyone drooling after her, but with enough integrity to not abuse the power of her beauty.

AND she's gonna be so smart that she's gonna ace it throughout her whole school life (not getting a real job does not mean not getting a real education) without studying.

And she'll be nice and filial to her parents and loyal to her friends (none of which are bad influences, she's smarter than to fall in with a bad crowd.)

Okay. I'm sorry I'm making my unconceived child feel so pressured to be perfect. I bet we won't be perfect parents too. :)

But we can always dream la. And who knows? 30 years later, I may be dealing with an uncontrollable, rebellious, bimbotic and stupid child and I'll be tearing my hair out everyday.

Then I'll look back on this post and snort at myself. PAH! Wishful thinking!

I fear I'm never going to be as good a parent as my parents were. I may not have been the perfect child that they wanted, but I guess I'm doing pretty alright so far. (I think?)

After all, I'm doing well in my studies, I've outgrown the talking back phase that I was stuck in during my preteens, I can hardly bring myself to lie to people I care about, I don't spend money like water (although I DO like to shop, I have only overused my allowance ONCE, and I cut that out from next month's budget anyway)

I don't do drugs, I don't club often, I don't smoke, I'm not a drunkard, I don't gamble.

I don't torture kids or animals. I don't vandalize. I don't hit people.

My main vices are gaming for long hours and not eating/sleeping at the proper times. Other crappy things about me would probably be:

1. Temper (If you've been on the receiving end, you'll know. And if you don't, it's better that way)

2. Swearing (but much much much less now compared to last time :D)

3. Slacking (I coulda been first female Msian prime minister already if only I really TRIED)

4. Procrastinating (19-year-old without a driving license HAHA)

5. Tendency of being 10 minutes late wherever I go (I can wake up 30 minutes early for class and still be 10 minutes late, although it's only a 10-minute walk away from home -.-)

6. Clouded judgement (when I'm angry or upset, I simply CANNOT see things from other people's perspective until I've calmed down somewhat)

7. Irresponsible (when it comes to certain things. But still okay I guess D:)

8. Inept at socializing. There have been many occasions where I've passed up a chance to be around others and meet new people but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't like strangers :(

9. Too critical of others. Honestly, there are VERY few people that I really, truly, completely like. Somehow I find myself picking out people's flaws and I get bothered by them.

Some pet peeves:

- People who are CONSISTENTLY more than 30 minutes and DON'T apologize when they show up

- People who ffk (no-show) and don't bother giving an explanation

- People who are careless about money. Tau you very rich la, but you don't have to throw around money unnecessarily in front of us.

- People who buy branded stuff just cause it's branded (even though it's ugly and has shitty quality)

- People who buy expensive things without doing research/price comparisons

- People who ask you questions ALL THE TIME because they are too lazy to look up the answers themselves

- People who smoke and try to justify their habit with 'stress.' You're the only person who is stressed is it? Nvm la, I'm sure killing yourself faster will alleviate your stress.

- People who come to you to whine and complain and rant but who are never there/inattentive when YOU need to unload

I know I should be the last person to nitpick since I'm no perfect soul myself, but I guess this is just one of my many flaws. Hell, maybe I'm someone's number 1 pet peeve right now!

Maybe that's why I don't make friends easily, much less bother to keep in touch with them. That alone may make me seem like a horrible, cranky, fussy and snobbish person, but hey, you're entitled to dislike me as much as I dislike you.

But one type of friend I will always love and appreciate - those that treat me well because they care for me and not because it is 'appropriate' or socially acceptable to do so. I will always try to be as good a friend to you as you are to me :) I may fail, but I try.

Man, I sound like an asshole.

How did talking about babies come to this? I guess I'm unfit to be a parent as of yet :P

Imabitch

2010-09-12T06:59:00.002+10:00

Yea. I'm so irritable and tetchy that I irritate myself!

Donno PMS or whatshit wei. Today almost everything and everyone pissed me off.

Some people really need to have some tact. Over these few years, I've run into so many people who straight away tell you what's wrong with you. I tell you ah, if I said what's on my mind EVERY time I thought of something negative, everyone I know would have broken down crying because of their destroyed self-esteem. And yea, I'd have no more friends, lol.

I mean maybe one day I'll go out with a friend I hadn't met in a long time and he dyed his hair orange-brown. You know how I hate orange hair, right?

But still, if he's clearly happy over his newly lala-fied hair, I'm not going to crush his joy by telling him he looks hideous, right?

And I'd spend my whole like telling people they are dumb, stupid, ugly, have bad taste, have no individuality, have BO or whatever and then everyone's just gonna be all sour-faced and grumpy.

THAT is why you keep your mouth shut. You know when your parents used to tell you 'if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything'?

Yea. That pretty much applies here. I mean, sure, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Maybe what you think is a gorgeous hairband looks like a fucking tumour on your head to me. But I'm nice. I'm not going to tell you it's horrible because you're my friend and you like it and it makes you happy right?

Criticizing someone negatively does nothing but chip away at their self-worth.

So why do you do it? Can't contain your inner bitch, hai mai?

I mean it's different if someone asks you your opinion on something and you give an honest response. But to walk to someone and say 'hey, you look like shit!' What the fuck?

And I hate it when people follow trends mindlessly. It's like a farmer pulling a cow around with its nose ring. Cow = you; farmer = media.

Oh I'm going to wear this, and listen to this band and rave about this movie because the fucking magazine/newspaper/blog told me so. Don't you have a mind of your own?

I mean, of course people may happen to agree with the mass perception that so-and-so is hot and the rest is not. But when I see people just blindly following trends like some brainless bimbo I really want to smack them upside the head to see if it's hollow, since it is clearly devoid of any personality.

I'm not encouraging rebellion or those stupid punk/emo 'i'm an individual, you can't stereotype me' shit, because you ARE a stereotype. Guess what, people have been there, done that. You are not a rebel. You are following people's definition of 'rebel.' Hence, you are a conformist. Sucker.

I wear black to show my disdain for the ever-deteriorating society blablabla - I'm a intelligent person who is better than all of you because I know how to moan and whine in a vaguely political way. Congratulations, you have just fallen into yet another stereotype known as 'righteous arseholes'.

Or, 'ohmahgawd look that chick's wearing socks and sexy heels! What a fashion FAIL!'

Then 1 month later, you see socks and heels on the runways and suddenly it becomes 'edgy' and 'hip' and you immediately run out to fill your closet with schoolgirl socks and strappy heels.

Well, congratulations on having such a fashion-forward mind.

I don't care what the magazines or models or designers say, strappy heels and slouchy socks will NEVER, EVER look good. Crocs will always and forever be hideous and the classic sign of a douchebag/herd mind.

WOW! Professional model + professional photographer + branded product = I. Must. Get. This.

Fashion editors are probably laughing behind the desks saying 'ha, bunch of suckers!'

Have fun looking hideous. Have fun being 'individual.'

Next time you're on the receiving end of my best bitch-face, know that you deserved it because you have done it to me too. I may behave more mildly and look more bimbotic now than I was not long ago, but that's just a fucking facade.

I can still give as hard as I get and you'd best not fuck with me because although I forgive, I don't ever forget what you do or say to me although I may pretend to.

Good night.

UT3 Mod

2010-09-11T01:11:00.002+10:00

This is uploaded for my dear bf yang jakun pc cannot read .doc or .pdfs :P

The rest of you may skip it, or if you are curious about my assignment, can skip the whole wordy intro to the screenshots below. :)

Or you can read the intro anyway to understand the level better. XD

Also, the level is nowhere near completion, so please don't nitpick about textures that don't match or bad lighting. All will be redone and the empty space is going to be filled up with static meshes (basically preset objects within the Unreal Editor,) but at the moment it's rather empty. (:

The map is made using the Unreal Editor for Unreal Tournament 3. Our assignment is to design a working game mod, complete with story, layout, weapons, bot capabilities etc. I'm working on the final level (out of 3) where the final battle takes place.

It's not as easy as it sounds, but it is a whole lot of fun. Most enjoyable assignment EVERRRR <3 And I get to play it too :P

Without further ado, here we go!

Alienate: Final level design – The transmission building

The transmission building is where Alisha has to battle her way to the transmitter and survive until help arrives. The level is contains three floors – the ground floor where she enters the building (spawn point); the basement where numerous health and armor boosts as well as weapons will be placed; and finally the top level which is made up of walkways parallel to the walls which will lead Alisha to the transmission room and escape.

Ground floor:
The ground floor is a relatively open space, exposed to attacks from above. I will put in more static mesh ‘junk’ later on, probably breakable boxes and some electronic equipment to give the player some cover.

Basement:
The basement is basically 2 hallways laid out as concentric circles surrounding a platform in the middle of the floor. The platform will contain something valuable – a powerful weapon or or a strong armor or health boost. This platform is relatively easy to get to; it is accessible from the ground floor where you can jump through a hole in the floor, or even leaping from the top floor’s catwalks. However, due to the valuable nature of the item the platform will contain, it is designed to be vulnerable and slightly difficult to escape. The platform will be surrounded by a damage volume (visually depicted as acid or lava – yet to be placed) and is vulnerable through horizontal silts in the walls. To escape, one must leap over the damage volume through one of three very narrow corridors.
More junk will be added throughout the hallways later on. Lighting is dim to allow the player to hide and surprise incoming enemies due to poor visibility.

Top floor:
The top floor gives near perfect vision of the ground floor. However, it is also vulnerable to attacks as it is very open, with barely anything to hide behind. This is to make it challenging for the player to reach the transmitter room. Stretching across the level is a vent, which grants the player some cover, as well as contain a shortcut into the transmission. However, this vent is dangerous as one would be exposed to attacks from both end of the vent should multiple enemies appear at the same time.

Screenshot 1: View from top floor.

Screenshot 2: Looking up from the ground floor.

Screenshot 3: Light shining down into the platform in the basement.

Screenshot 4: Ramp leading into the basement.

Screenshot 5: Looking through the two concentric hallways to the platform in the center of the basement.

Screenshot 6: The platform in the basement. The weapon pickup factory is just a placeholder – to be replaced with more practical items later.

Screenshot 7: The outer circle of the basement. The outer wall is lined with pillars to give limited shelter and blind spots.

Screenshot 8: The jump pad linking the three floors. There are two separate physics volume – one for each floor. The player – with proper control – can exit at the floor desired. Each physics volume is located between each floor. The player can exit at the first floor if needed, or the player can choose to go to the top floor. There is a gap between the volumes, to allow time to exit at ground floor – if left too long, the player is caught up in the second physics volume and is sent to the top floor.

Screenshot 9: The ladder leading up to the vent

Screenshot 10: The vent. To the right is the turn off that leads into the transmission room. You have to crouch to get in.

Screenshot 11: The exit of the vent in the transmission room

Screenshot 12: The vent’s exit in the transmission room. I will place boxes that allow the player to climb up to it. Also, a grille will be placed over the vent that can be broken the first time the player accesses it.

Screenshot 13: A lift will be placed here to link the ground and first floors. The lift should be programmed to always return to the ground floor after use.

Screenshot 14: Looking out from the basement platform into the hallways.

Screenshot 15: Standing view from the basement’s inner hallway to the platform.

Screenshot 16: Crouching view from the basement’s inner hallway to the platform. Enemies will be visible. Skilled rifle players or snipers can shoot enemies from here.

Screenshot 17: Sniper’s view from the basement’s inner hallway to the platform.

Screenshot 18: Regular view from the top floor’s catwalk to the basement.

Screenshot 19: Sniper’s view from the top floor’s catwalk to the basement.

Constructive criticism from all parties welcome, especially from fps players :) Questions also welcome!

ZOMG NAKED CHICK!

2010-09-02T06:29:00.003+10:00

Warning: Nudity ahead! (I would think this would compel you to read even more, instead of deterring you ~__~)

Yea, so I've been seeing a lot of this naked girl lately. On facebook, that is. The link to her picture and profile is spreading like wildfire - on my news feed, at least. Maybe I know lots of perverts?

A dota friend who I haven't spoken to in forever (we had an argument over dota, har har har) suddenly messaged me enthusiastically and gave me the link to the picture, promising me that I would laugh when I saw it.

And it's coming up soon, so leave now if you don't wanna see it...

Here you go, horndogs! Picture of the facebook naked asian chick:

I'm sorry to let you down la, but I didn't find it particularly funny or erotic.

I mean, I'm a girl. I shower. I see a naked female body every single day of my life. So seeing another naked girl on facebook is kinda meh. (My dota buddy's just a little boy though, I'm sure things like these are like teddy bears raining down from heaven into an orphan's hands for him.)

Anyway, the girl's body is fine, average boobs, relatively flat tummy, slim arms and legs. I'd say she looks something like what I see in my bathroom mirror everyday, but with nicer arms.

Oh shit, did I just let you picture me naked? I'm kidding! Ah whatever, it's just another portrait in the library of porn stored in your teenage minds.

But anyhow, the picture showed up on my news feed again, with guys going googly-eyed and girls being bitchy in general.

Hmm. It's funny how the girls who are bitching about the naked chick's small boobs being too small - 'so small show what show ah? So proud meh?' - are flat-chested.

HAHAHA. What are you talking about? I say that I'm flat-chested, but if mine is flat yours must be damn well concave, girl!*

Boxed in blue is the girl who made the offending comment.

I'm a girl and I think her (naked chick's) boobs are a fine size for her body - any bigger and they'd start to sag without a bra.

EH BLUE YOU JEALOUS IS IT?

No, I'm not condoning posting naked piccies of yourself or anyone else on facebook - or anywhere else, for that matter.

But to Blue: Your breasts aren't show-off worthy and though the girl was very lewd by posting those pics up, why must you bitch about the size of her breasts?

I mean, go ahead, preach away in that righteous tone about obscenity and your body is a temple blablabla. (I heard a joke: Why do they tell us girls that our body is a temnple? I sure as hell wouldn't want a guy coming in me and praying.)

Bitching about how immoral/obscene she is, then it's understandable la. We're all saints who commit absolutely no sin after all, right?

But come on, bitching about how another girl's boobs is small when you DON'T HAVE any just smacks of jealousy, doesn't it?

It's like not being able to sing in tune, but say Lady Gaga sucks cause she has no 'vocal range.'

Or having stick figures as the only evidence of your drawing skills but criticizing some aspiring artist on deviantart.

Or being so ugly that you don't even dare to post your real picture on facebook, yet constantly telling other people how ugly their hair/nose/legs/etc are.

I don't know la, we humans aren't all sugar and spice, but this is too much laaaaa. Come on.

(another girl on the same post)

So, if I have DD cup boobs, that means I'm allowed to post them on facebook for all to see? :o

Hell, let's grant ALL big-breasted girls the right to walk around naked! Even if they are obese and their tummies are big as big as their breasts, yes, please walk around stark naked because your boobs are big enough to be worthy of public display!

Ridiculous.

*Yea, I didn't censor the picture cause I'm lazy and you can't see her face head on anyway. (Profile ftw, especially to show chest size.) Don't be offended if you don't know her - censorship is to protect anonymity and if you can't recognise this girl as your friend, you can't say anything. :D AND it was readily available to the public (me) on facebook, so if you want me to take this down, ask her to take hers down first. :)

Long p.s. You can't have naturally big and perky boobs, guys. You either get them:

1. small and perky
2. big and saggy or
3. big, perky and plastic

(of course, there are those of the small yet saggy variety, but they're just too unfortunate to mention *sadface* oops I just did)

Anyway guys should all stop commenting about wanting a skinny girlfriend with big boobs unless you have 6-pack abs and an 8-inch dick, kthx <3

Holidays!

2010-08-28T10:31:00.000+10:00

Finally handed in the dumb animatic.

I'm happy that I've finally gotten myself acquainted with my tablet, which has been sleeping behind my laptop for months. I'm still not very good with it yet, and I'm not very familiar with most features of Photoshop so we have to wait a while until I start painting really nice stuff.

: )

My sleeping hours are screwed up again, thanks to an extra long CS session yesterday. Went to bed after 8 am wtf. I was awake 24 hours already by then, with 2 hours sleep the night before.

Met more people who said I'm pretty, but although I beam at their comment, I still feel ugly. Figures. Childhood memories don't fade that fast.

It's funny to see how differently people treat you when you get your braces off, grow your hair out and have your skin cleared up by a professional torturer aka facialist.

It almost feels like it's cheating - paying for people to treat you nicer, right?

In essence, I'm still the same person who sits berkangkang, with unwashed hair and drools in her sleep.

Of course, I'm not complaining that people tend to treat me better now, especially guys. However, online appearances are always deceiving, and I'm afraid if any of my online friends see me in real life they will run away screaming OMG UGLYYY! D:

Well. It hasn't happened yet, but who knows? But a better question would be, why do I care?

I mean I like my face enough, although it's not perfect. I have slightly lopsided eyes, a big nose with a slight bump, thin lips, straight eyebrows, seriously crooked bone structure and messy wavy hair.

Some days I wish I had a symmetrical face, a dainty ski-slope nose, full lips, and long, straight, shiny hair but then I'd look like every other 'pretty' girl out there.

I want to be pretty, but I want to be special at the same time. What a pity most people's notion of beauty is the same - which makes you inexplicably boring to look at after the first 'wah so pretty!'

But then I want a lot of things.

I want to be pretty.

I want to be a fantastic artist.

I want to be a kick-ass gamer.

I want to be a filial daughter.

I want to be a dedicated girlfriend.

I want to be a loyal friend.

I want to be a good person.

And I want to stand out in everything I do, but sadly, I fall short of almost everything (maybe everything) and sometimes it just seems like everyone is better than you, no matter what it is that you want to do.

And my most shameful shortcoming? Giving up. I surrender at the first sign of losing.

I can't stand to see myself losing a fair fight, so I stop trying - some twisted way of deceiving myself. 'I'm not losing, I just slacking.'

When I was young, I wanted so many things.

I wanted to be respected, adored, feared. I wanted to be a vet and save lives of animals. I wanted to be a scientist, a mathematician, a rockstar.

Now I can narrow down my list to the aforementioned 7 desires.

I used to crave excellence, but wanted to seem like I wasn't really trying.

I ended up REALLY not trying. And subsequently failing. Then saying 'of course I can do better, I just can't be bothered.'

Fail fail fail.

I remember when I was in standard 1 and I had a 100% percent average. I was head of the class, and everyone knew me and everyone wanted to be on my good side.

I was an ugly kid I guess. But when you're 7, looks don't matter. I don't remember what I was like, or what quality I had that drew people to me but anyhow it's gone now!

I'm not sure exactly when the decline started...I guess when I switched schools and started over in standard 5. I was insecure, gangly, horrible at chinese with a 'yang ren' face (Westerner, not goat. Please man.)

And OH what a crime - I liked to read. Instantly labeled nerd. Yay happy happy. Coupled with the fact that I was one of the 6 PTS students from that year...oh my god. Not to mention my salad bowl and specs and buck teeth and knobbly knees.

LOL. Even typing it out makes me laugh. What a pathetic mental image right?

I guess it was then I wanted to be 'effortlessly' smart. There's a different feeling between getting good results out of hard work, and getting good results just cause you're 'smart like that.'

I guess you feel like a genius for a second there. But it got worse...when I started secondary I already felt so alienated by my peers it was just sad. And I STILL liked to read and I refuse to give it up. Why should I give it up because people think it's nerdy or snobbish?

-_- I like to read, sudahlah. Judgemental pricks.

I was at my most antisocial point in life then. I felt like everyone was judging me. From the way I looked to the way I walk and the things I say (or don't say.) I still remember that Siew Lei told me she could still remember her first impression of me - even now!

I was doing a hamtaro impression - munching jagung. Wtf? HAHA. And I still had my adorable buckteeth then, to enhance the hamster effect.

Starting secondary changed me. I was no longer an outstanding student. From being top of the year in english, maths and BM (omg I can't believe I was a BM star student in primary) I was just...average.

Part of me felt relieved that I wouldn't be singled out for my 'nerdiness' any more, but part of me felt disappointed that I was no longer one of the best.

And I slacked. Boy, did I slack. I still can't believe I could DotA throughout SPM. I see my gaming kakis quit gaming for their exams, and I couldn't do even that. I remember playing until past midnight and going to sit for a paper 7 hours later.

Results day was a painful day for me. I finally realise that the 'effortlessly' excelling thing wasn't working out for me. I remember sitting in the hall, praying (ridiculously) that I could somehow manage 9 As. And when my name wasn't called I hoped (stupidly) for 8 As.

And when my name STILL wasn't called, my heart just plummeted, and I realised omg what the fuck have I been doing?

And then I went to college and didn't qualify for the Taylor's scholarship/subsidy that required a minimum of 8As/7A1s.

I remember looking at my results - 7As/6A1s and cursing the government for letting me get A2 on Bio and costing me the grant.

Bio was a subject I aced! A1 through Form 4 and 5 and I got an A2 when I needed it the most? What the hell?

Then I realised it wasn't the government's fault that I didn't get my scholarship (though the education system is still horribly biased and stupid.) It was my fault for not working hard enough.

I'm pretty goddamned sure I could have been a straight A student if I really tried. But I was still in that dumb fantasy that being smart and not investing any hard work would be sufficient to carry me through life easily.

Although my results are pretty fucking good for someone who barely studied (lowest were B3s), I know my family were very disappointed in me. My mom said it was alright, as long as I tried my best she was alright with my results.

Tried my best? PFFT. I barely tried. I failed Add Maths and Chemistry through secondary and only deigned to catch up less than a month before SPM.

I'm so lucky to even have Abigail who was kind enough to give me a crash course in so many subjects - history, chem, and add maths - while she also had to study. AND she got straight As.

I feel so ashamed. At the time I felt proud that I scored that much without studying, but I just feel dumb.

Although it wasn't of much consequence (besides losing the Taylor's money) I still feel like a loser.

College was the same. I stoned and slept my way through college. =__= I spent more time playing at Ftz than being in english and accounts class.

See. Got evidence. The whole row was my classmates, lol.

I kept telling myself that I was smart and I would survive college and uni and eventually the workforce.

I reluctantly applied for the RMIT scholarship after my mom bugged me about it. I was so lax about myself that I didn't even trust myself to apply for a scholarship even when I had nothing to lose. I didn't believe I could get it. I had lost so much confidence in myself by then.

Then, a letter came. I got it. I GOT IT! My mom was literally dancing around with joy, and I realised that since my sweep of trophies and passing the PTS in standard 3, I have achieved virtually NOTHING in the previous 8 years.

What a pathetic, slacking slob this promising kid had become. I could only imagine how hurt my parents must have been to see all that lost potential.

Foundation year in RMIT was the best year for me. It was the year that reminded me how good it felt to have hard work pay off AND how satisfying it felt to know that you had truly done your best.

I graduated with a high distinction average (81) and I hadn't felt better in years.

This year, I slacked a little in Semester 1. Was dealing with a fair amount of homesickness and had to deal with difficult teammates and some shit. However, I am determined to do my best this semester. :)

It's the holidays, and I'm heading back to the games lab to work. ^__^

Maya here I come :D

I blogged this post across almost 10 hours. So if you missed the point...you probably didn't cause I don't know what the point was supposed to be either.

Friends

2010-08-21T06:13:00.000+10:00

Friends are like lovers. Friends are like family.

You love them, you love your family, you love your partner.

I'd like to think our heart has a different compartment for each type of relationship, and with them, a different kind of love.

Which is why I find it ridiculous to force someone to choose between a friend, a lover, or family.

Those types of questions - if you could only save one from drowning, who would it be? Your bf/gf or your mother?

Or statements like 'waaa now got bf don't wanna come watch movie with us d, what kind of friend are you?'

Stupid la. I mean of course when you get a boyfriend/new friends, you will have less time to spend with your family. And of course, when a new movie comes out and every party wants to take you out, you can either:

1. Go out with your friends. Movie time is girl time right?

2. Go out with your boyfriend. Movie time is paktor time right?

3. Go with your family. Movie time is family bonding time right?

4. Go with everyone together. Movie time is awkward time right?

5. Go watch the movie three time. Movie time is wallet-bleeding time right?

6. DON'T WATCH THE DAMNED MOVIE DAMMIT!

So as you can see. Lose-lose-lose situation either way. -.-

You know how to rectify this? Guess what, YOU can't. Your friends, partner and family just have to learn to share.

There's just one of you, after all. It's not like there 1 Stephanie when she's born, then for each friend she makes, she splits in half and multiplies like a bloody social amoeba. -_-

Okay, I'm not complaining about my family/friends/bf - I've pretty much struck the jackpot so far; they're all not pissy about sharing time.

Almost all anyway. A couple of them just give me a hard time over it. Sigh. As people say, if you really care, you won't make them choose.

Takkan you wanna become like those soap opera siew je...I TIAO LOU NOW YOU SAVE ME OR NOT? IF YOUR MOTHER FALLING YOU SAVE HER OR ME AH? YOU CHOOSE LA! I DON'T THINK YOU LOVE ME LOR!

Okay, not as dramatic but pretty much the same situation. Either way you're breaking your friend's heart and setting yourself up to be let down - unless your friend picks you over someone else la. Then your poor friend is gonna eat shit from the other party, if the other party behaves like you.

Childish and selfish.

Sigh. But even so, I still sayang my friends la. So many of them have changed over the years.

Some of them blossomed as they grew up, but some are like trainwrecks - and I've got a first-class ticket to watch them crash headfirst into life.

It sucks knowing that you can't do shit about it. Even though they are your friends, you can only help them to some extent.

And it is especially difficult to help someone who you think needs help when THEY think they are perfectly fine. And you'd just come off as some righteous piece of do-gooder shit.

But if I don't do anything, I'm wrecked by guilt and worry that something might happen and one day I'll think that I didn't try hard enough - even though at this point I sincerely believe I have.

I guess the best decision is just keep my nose out of other people's business.

Their life is not my life. I have no right to dictate what they choose to do. And if I can't influence them positively, then I probably wasn't a very good friend to start with. :) But I can't help caring about them anyway, no matter how much they've changed.

Every person you've known has helped shape your life in some way or other - be it significant or nearly negligibly. So, in a way they're still part of who I am, and I am a part of their life too.

Fucking cheesy. But I believe that this is true.

Enough about the sad cases. I'm so happy that some of my friends have grown up into happy people.

...Wtf I sound like a clucky mother hen.

That said, I only have a handful of people I still care about. Some of them have found their way, some are lost, some are happy, some are confused...but we're still young.

The time I posted on fb that I wished everyone I knew happiness - whether I loved or hated them - I wasn't high.

I really do.

Cause I guess whatever happens, as long as you have some hope or joy in life that you can hold on to...you're never lost.

I'd like to thank my friends who have supported me and moulded me into who I am today.

Those who have listened to my rants.

Those who gave advice - stupid or useful, it doesn't matter.

Those who dragged me out to experience new things.

Thank you.

I love you :)

One day, we may grow apart so much that we barely keep in touch at all, but I'm always here.

Always. Unless, of course, I'm dead. CHOI.

*hugs 4x4 wooden plank*

I may not give sound advice.

I may not respond the way you want me to.

I may not be the person you want listening to your problems.

But I will. And if you really trust me, you know I will. :)

Okay. I'm done with my sappiness. (Look what a sentimental creature I've grown to be! *claps*)

Did you like this post more than my emo/game posts?

Hmm.

*showers thoughtfully*

You hackerlicious babe :D

2010-08-17T04:45:00.010+10:00

Note: Non-gamers should probably skip this post unless extremely bored and enjoys reading through piles of gaming jargon and references :)

I was reading through some CS clan blogs earlier and it was mind-boggling to see how seriously they take gaming. @__@

It was rather amusing to see how people start to use proper grammar and punctuation when they start to argue or get a point across. I mean it's good la, that people are finally speaking properly...but sai mm sai so serious ah?

We're mostly (if not all) Malaysians so there shouldn't be any issue with communicating in rojak language right? I actually noted this 'I must gain the upper hand and win my argument by sounding more intelligent' behaviour years ago on the Neoboards (Neopets forums) when I was 12 or so.

But anyway, where there are games, there will always be hackers. And I will never trust any player until I have watched the person play in front of me (most likely in a cc.)

The only Garena CS players I've met and played with in person are my boyfriend (of course, mister kamona,) JK, Fery, Fezor, Noobster, and Alex (actnoob.)

And even though a number of them fong shui when we played, they're definitely as good as they seem online.

If I haven't met and played with someone in real life or at least get to know their personality better, I never trust the person 100%. Sure, there are some that I trust more than others (I love you Hely <3) but sometimes I even doubt friends - because some people are just not who they seem online.

In my opinion, I have one of the worst playing styles I have ever seen, and people still manage to accuse me of hacking. I have rarely gone a day without being forcibly removed (ha ha nice way of saying kicked) from a server after being diu-ed gaogao.

And with 300+ ping too.

This just leads me to believe that the population of noobs are increasing by the day.

When people accuse me of walling (the most common accusation) I normally laugh it off, but somehow I get super pissed off if someone says my boy is hacking.

It is unacceptable! I'm not sure why I'd feel so indignant for someone else and not myself, but I think it's because I see him as a very good and efficient player and it is TOTAL injustice that he gets accused of being a noob...when I'm just sub-par, the accusations don't mean very much.

Even though he's my boyfriend, I'm sometimes in awe when he's teaching me new tricks or techniques (wtf fangirling -.-)

But anyway, back to this new generation of players that inherited the Garena we left behind. :'(

Most of them suck, a LOT of them are hacking (heat-seeking bullets anyone?), and almost everyone kicks either me or my bf out of games.

It is nearly impossible to have a decent game together. If either one of us hosts, they get pawned and leave so there's no one left to play with.

I've even been banned for teasing a host about his recoil control script. And I was being nice already! (Note: 'teasing' not 'scolding') D: And don't even try to tell me you're not hacking when you have 0 recoil - not even the jerky recoil that some scripts have, but your crosshair DOES NOT MOVE UP AT ALL.

And then the hacker's friend has the cheek to come and add me on facebook because I'm a girl! Wtf?

One day, this little boy, Anand, hosted and I joined anonymously - I didn't even know it was him at first. I went in...and was scolded and kicked on the first round.

What happened was, I joined late and my teammates all died early on - the last one at alley doors. So, I jogged out through the stairs and started walking from the catwalk, heading towards the doors.

I just reached the doors, preparing to jump around and check the corner when I heard a knife being drawn. Immediately I swung around, banged the door and BOOM headshot on little Anand.

'hacker. he knows i'm there wtf'

*KICKED*

Well, excuse me, but what the fuck? -.- At least do me the courtesy of spectating me before you make a judgement and kick.

And I hope he was just drawing the knife for fun - if not the little creep is certainly hacking because I walked all the way from catwalk, so there's no way he could have heard me. The timing was too sweet to be a coincidence.

I rejoined, explained that I heard his knife - to be met with more cries of 'hacker!' and being kicked again. I promptly fired off a message to him on facebook (he just added my bf as a friend) telling him to not simply kick people.

He responded by cursing me out...then apologizing the very next minute.

LOL. Bipolar much? This was when he added me as a buddy on facebook, which I ignored. My boyfriend got home, heard the story and promptly deleted him. (He was bugged by curious Anand the previous day about his CS life, clan and so on.)

Good on him for apologizing, but still, wtf? This just shows how people never treat everyone fairly - Anand just suddenly decided I wasn't a hacker after all after he discovered who I am.

I guess names are important, as well as reputation.

Especially clans. If I even suspect/find one member of a clan hacking, the whole clan is dirty to me. I don't immediately accuse them of hacking, but they will always remain fishy to me.

And especially if someone starts cursing me out or talking behind my back, the whole clan is pretty much dead to me. Like Nova, I used to be sort of chummy with some of them, until a couple of their members set me up by asking me to mixmatch with them while I was in Melbourne (lagging), and proceeded to curse and taunt me 'noob, retarded' and etc through the mic for the whole game.

What the..huh? I was stunned nearly speechless when that happened. I was pissed off at first, but now it just seems rather ridiculous and childish to me. Sure, I may not be the best player and I have never claim to be. If anything, random people/friends are the ones saying I'm 'pro' and all that shit - not me. The only thing I take pride in is being a clean player from the start (2 years ago.)

I have my on days, I have my off days. I still fall off ledges, trip over boxes, bunniehop into walls (if I can even get my bunniehop going) and I can do really retarded things sometimes (like blind myself, which is why I don't use flashbangs - watanoob.)

But yes, I am capable of playing properly if I want and have the mood to. And I dare say much better than most of the retarded newbies that are pouring into Garena recently. I once did a 1v3 in a new map in a cc and came out with a clean score - the guys who I joked with to buy me drinks if I won mysteriously vanished after ganging up to pawn me.

But sometimes, a game is just a game is just a game. Why should I put my heart and soul into something that won't last forever?

Sure, I get really pissed off if I don't improve at something, or make stupid mistakes. But everyone does, and this does not only apply to gaming - but to every other aspect in life, be it work, studies, or relationships.

But in the end, CS is just CS. Why take everything so seriously? My cousins used to maphack in DotA, and I still talk to them. I don't give them the cold shoulder for hacking and I certainly don't curse them out or ridicule them for doing so.

But blood relations and friends are one thing, and strangers online are another. If I don't know you and you're hacking, well, sucks for you cause you ain't ever gonna be respected by me.

Today, my boy suggested that I start doing more 1v1s with good players. I used to balk at that suggestion, saying that there's no point since I'm going to lose anyway.

But now I realise that the point of doing that is not for the glory or satisfaction of winning - it's for the opportunity to learn from others and practice.

Maybe I'll start taking up those challenges I've always shied away from. No one likes to lose, but there will always be a loser (unless there's a tie ;p)

So, anyone up for teaching me some good stuff? And by teaching I don't mean bullying me and then gloating about your victory. I always appreciate pointers :) That day my cute little oli did a 1v1 with me and taught me how to tap an ak.

He let me win (talk about super fong shui -.-) but I guess I still got used to tapping an ak - which was the whole point anyway.

Basically, what I learned today was: We may never be good enough - but we must always try, or we will never be : )

You are all fucking fat

2010-08-15T23:55:00.006+10:00

FINE LA. Fat ass obese people.

Keep saying so fat so fat omg I'm getting fatter and fatter. FINE. YOU WIN. YOU ARE A FUCKING FAT ASS.

So. I was joking around today. I noticed I had grey crecents on the white of my eyes. Being worried, I googled the symptoms and came up with 2 conclusions:

1. Pigmentation. I have new moles on my eyes. (Yes I already have several small ones, the opthalmologist tells me.)

2. Build up of fat in my eyes. An indication of high cholesterol - which I have, according to my last 2 blood tests.

I joked on facebook that I've gained weight - I now have fat eyes!

And boohoo, suddenly I'm such an irritating person, mocking everyone's fatness and showing off how gorgeously skinny I am!

Yea yea you all wanna be skinny like me is it?

Doesn't it even bother you slightly that I'm 173.5 cm tall and weigh around 46 kg?

There was another chart given out in PE class in secondary that had an extra class...my BMI was classified under 'starvation - seek medical attention.'

This is the size of my arm:

It's not even 3 fucking cm wide. And do you see that bone popping out? It's disgusting, but it's been like this since I was 7. My 4 year old niece has bigger arms than me.

I know, you all say JUST EAT LA, so hard meh? Well for one, I do not enjoy food. I am not anorexic by far, but I definitely eat to live, not live to eat.

Most food tastes bland to me. The only thing I adore are candy, chocolates and anything sweet. Basically kiddie food. French fries and all that high-cholesterol junk.

Even though I don't enjoy 'proper' meals, I still take them - lunch, dinner and supper. Unless the food is REALLY delicious to me - which is rare - for me having meals is like a kid eating an endless plate of veggies. It's disgusting and it never seems to end, but I eat it anyway because it's good for me.

For you 'fatties' I can say just stop eating la, fucking easy to solve. Talk talk complain complain just stop fucking eating la. You say no...obesity is a disease, I didn't choose to have it. Or 'I love food too much it's too hard to control!'

Well, sucks for you. You hate NOT eating and I hate eating. Fair enough?

Or you say oh noooo my metabolic rate is too low, it's not my fault I'm fat - I just can't digest my food well! Well, I eat so much bloody candy and greasy food and I can't put on any weight either.

Blame my super metabolism also la!

So how come it's okay for you to whine about how 'fat' you've gotten, and when I joke about having 'fat eyes' you immediately take offence?

And you know what the fucking joke is?

This is the person who said he wished 'some day he could stand up and walk around freely':

WAAAAAA HOU FAT ARRRRRRR! FUCKING OBESE RIGHT?

Look at the size of his arm! TREE TRUNK ZOMGS.

Please la. If that is fat I'll run naked along Swanston Street tomorrow. Yes, it is winter here.

And another girl who said she envied how skinny I am:

Wtf? Her thighs are as skinny or even skinnier than mine! How can you consider that even remotely fat?

EXPLAIN THIS TO ME -

Why can normal sized people complain they are fat, while skinny people can't complain they are skinny?

You get pitied when you are LYING, but I get flamed when I am making a valid statement.

Where is the logic in this?

Fucking double standards. When you're 'fat,' most people have the tact to not say, WAAA LEI HOU FEI JOR AH! (Most people la, if your friend is tactless, sucks for you.)

But for me? No such thing. ARE YOU ANOREXIC? YOU DON'T EAT ONE AR? GO EAT SOMETHING LA, SO SKINNY NOT NICE.

During CNY reunions:

"Lei gam sao jor ah? Sek dor dit yeh la! Gam yang sao mm leng la!"

(You're so skinny already! Eat more la! This skinny not nice la!)

Something like that la. My cantonese isn't that good, but as long as you can understand. -.-

And good lord, since Form 1 I have been taunted about my boobs - or lack of boobs. Airplane runway, flattie etcetc.

But do I get pissed off? No. I used to get slightly upset, but not any more. I just take it in good humour. Sure, I have A cup boobs but it's not the end of the world.

So don't make it out like I'm the ideal size to be, cause I'm not. It's not healthy and I acknowledge that.

That's why I have been trying to eat more. However, I have failed so far and if I post my disappointment on facebook it is not to mock you 'fat' people. I'm disappointed, so I say so.

You think you're fat, you post it on facebook. Do I flame you for complaining you're fat while you're my ideal size? No.

So please have the courtesy to do the same and respect that everyone has their own image issues, and we have the right to post it on facebook if we want to. Facebook is a narcissist's heaven after all - do you expect to read philosophical posts there?

No! Everyone is an attention seeker in some way or other, looking to share their feelings and describe every bloody minute of their lives to everyone else, whether they like it or not.

My only gripe here is not about fat people complaining they're fat. It's the SKINNY people complaining they're fat, but flaming me for 'rubbing it in their faces' when I say that I can't put on weight.

Bloody bullshit, if you ask me.

Btw, I'm not saying these people that I used as examples are horrible people. I'm just annoyed at their comments. Well, just the guy this time, but it happens more often than you think, not necessarily in facebook.

And yes, I get that he may be jesting, but it is still annoying that there seems to be a double standard going on.

Bots

2010-08-15T05:16:00.000+10:00

Me and muh boo just did 65 rounds of awp_india against bots.

We won 2. Yay!

I just realised how important it is to adapt and learn. I was doing the same retarded thing over and over and wondering why I couldn't kill at all, while my boy with 400 ping was pawning away.

He told me to do one simple thing, and magically I started actually KILLING the damn bots! And we won!

To be fair, it was 2 against 5 insanely h4xxing bots.

But I'm glad I learned something tonight :)

I guess it applies to all fields in life too. If something works and you keep doing the same thing, good for you. But maybe there's something that works even better and you never know cause you never bothered to try.

It could be a far more simple and effective solution than the one you're currently employing that 'works'

Take cleaning my keyboard for example. Crumbs and dust used to get in between the keys and stuck onto the surface and I'd spend ages trying to pick/blow them out of the crevices and then taking a moist cloth to wipe off the dust.

Sometimes it'd take ages cause I'm just chasing the dust around in circles -.- Wtf.

Then one day, *lightbulb,* I turned the the keyboard upside down and gave a good smack. Crumbs rained out. Wow. Gravity WORKS!

I cleaned up the rest of the mess by removing the vacuum head and hoovering through with a hand over the keys to keep them from popping out.

Time taken with wetcloth/fingernail method: 5 minutes

Time taken with bang/hoover method: less than a minute

YAY for innovation! There's probably a better way to do it that I have yet to find out. Perhaps it involves a can of compressed air, but I've not tried it so I don't know.

But yea, even if you think the way you're doing things now works, think again. Do it better. Do it faster. Harder better faster stronger!

That made no sense but whatever. It's 5.15 am and I'm gonna sleep now :) Cheers for a three day weekend.

Fate - and blood

2010-08-14T05:51:00.000+10:00

Today, I was supposed to meet my friend around 4.30 for gelato at Freddo's before heading to uni to do some work together.

At 3.30, Tata messaged me saying that she couldn't come - she was still in bed. I couldn't get mad, because I was still in bed rolling around too. (Wtf slobs!)

And I guess it was meant to be - even if she had woken up on time I would have messaged her cause I had some serious period discomfort and wanted nothing more than to lie down in be and mope over my internal bleeding.

At 4.50 pm, less than a street-length away from Freddo's, two men were gunned down in broad daylight in a poker place.

Who knows what would have happened if Tata and I had witnessed it. What if the gunman had taken a detour to buy icecream before committing his dirty deed? (Hey, it could happen. Murderers aren't all sane anyway.) What is some unforeseen circumstances happened and stray bullets started flying around?

It's good we were both home, alive and well.

Fuh, I make it sound like we both narrowly escaped death. Maybe, maybe not. It was a planned crime after all. From the reports I've read, the man entered the establishment, shot his two targets and left.

He was arrested later though, so we don't have to worry as much about him returning and possibly getting caught in another round of crossfire.

Sigh. Suddenly Melbourne doesn't seem so safe anymore. But I'd still choose to live here over KL any day.

On another note, I have been in bad bad bad bad misbehaving girl mode today. And by misbehaving I mean relapsing into my angsty early teenage behaviour by RAGING mercilessly in game.

I'm not proud of it. It just happened. It's not pent-up anger or whatever - I'm a pretty relaxed person lately.

PMS is to blame. I am 100fuckinpercent absolutely sure! I haven't had a regular period since...ever. So sometimes it's hard to predict when I'm going through PMS and when I'm just being plain bitchy. (There's a difference! One is inexcusable and...the other is. Girl's privilege, yes.)

This time, it caught me by surprise again. I had a breakout of pimples a couple of weeks ago (three total, what a vast improvement from my early teenage years - pimple plantation wtf.)

And for some moronic reason I blamed my recent chocolate binge and lack of sleep instead of suspecting PMS. (Actually, the sleep deprivation + choc overdose theory would have been plausible, except for the fact that I eat chocolate by the piles ALL THE TIME and rarely ever sleep enough.)

Well, I did not suspect it AT ALL. Sneaky little bastard.

So anyway, I got my period today and a lightbulb went off in my head. OHHH THAT'S WHY SUDDENLY GOT PIMPLES THAT DAY LA! CHIUUUUU.

With that happy revelation, I started stuffing my face with candy, cookies and chocolate again.

Wahaha. Sangat gembira. ^__^

Anyway, apparently some guys think PMS = period = PMS. Well, it is not.

Let me explain a little bit. PMS stands for pre-menstrual syndrome. By understand that, it is impossible to think that PMS and period are one and the same (because of the 'pre.' It can't be before and during at the same time, right?)

The period is where the girl bleeds from her vagina. No, don't complain that I'm being too graphic, you're all big boys and girls now right? It normally lasts from roughly 5-7 days, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter depending on the individual.

This is usually accompanied by mild to severe discomfort, acute pain in the abdomen, sore unmentionables, nausea, headaches and lethargy. (This is for me la, not so sure about other girls but I'm guessing it is somewhere along those lines.)

PMS is a period of roughly 2 weeks leading up to the actual period. There is no bleeding at this stage, but hormonal changes are taking place. This hormone imbalances tend to cause pimply breakouts, bad tempers, mood swings, mild depression, bigger boobs (yay,) bloating, abdominal pain/aches, food cravings and some other minor symptoms.

A PMSing girl is dangerous/scary for a number of reasons:

1. She will always win in an argument.

2. Even if you win, she's gonna scratch your eyes out anyway, so she wins.

I'm sorry boys, but that's the way life is.

I guess some girls mellow over time and are able to recognize when PMS starts to creep up upon them and deal with their mood accordingly.

Sometimes they just sneak up on us poor unsuspecting girls and we unleash our terrifying feminine rage on those poor unsuspecting boys.

Some guys say, aiyo, excuses lar. You're just a bitch, anyhow also will scold people one lar!

Firstly, how can you assume that we're using PMS as a reason to scold and act irrationally when you don't go through it yourselves?

When you tfk to porn or get a stiffy while looking at hot girls you just return our incredulous stares with 'What? We're guys what, we're meant to breed. Not our fault.'

Secondly, it is a medically-recognized condition. It's hormones okay. Don't play play. It's the same thing that makes you wanna fuck every girl you see when you get horny. Hormones. Kuatnya.

Lastly, if PMS is just an 'excuse' to scold/scream at you, and I actually feel like ripping your head off every day of the month, I wouldn't bother waiting for that one special week a month to diu you la.

I'd just fucking scold you every day and night until you don't want to talk to me anymore, since you're such a retarded and [insert any amount of derogatory adjectives here] person.

But you still do, so that means I'm a pretty nice person to talk to when I'm not PMSing right? :3

So I apologize la dears. I'm sorry for raging at everyone lately. I'm only a girl. And if you're a guy, be happy you don't have to deal with this okay? Don't complain that girls always get special/more lenient treatment than guys unless you are ready to bleed from the penis every month and push a watermelon out of your anus a few times in your life.

: )

With that, I'm off to sleep. Good night <3

Change

2010-08-13T05:03:00.000+10:00

Feeling ~~bored~~ inspired today, I decided to change my blog layout. I've had this skin for so long, refusing to change it as I designed and coded it myself way back when - a piece of nostalgia I refused to relinquish.

I thought I freshen the place up by adding a music player - without autoplay of course, cause that ALWAYS pissed me off when I go to a person's blog, only to have their music interrupt mine. Haven't you considered that some people may not like the music you're listening to? Especially when it suddenly blares from the speakers, and the poor, shocked reader scrambles around to find the music player - which you conveniently put in an obscure place to switch off your music before they go deaf.

Anyhow. As you can see, my blog remains exactly the same. Well, not really. I moved it 200 pixels to the right. That's cause I designed the old template on a 13 inch screen with low resolution - and it looks positively tiny and extremely unbalanced on my new 17 inch widescreen.

...the point is, I have not changed my layout. I just couldn't. I'd already chosen a new layout and picked out a playlist of awesome songs that'll change your music taste forever.

But. No. I found myself clicking and deleting all the changes I made.

I guess I can't let it go.

So many things have changed over the past few years - I don't even feel like the same person anymore. My blog is one of the things that has followed me through my past without changing.

My tone of blogging has certainly changed. I'm much more dull and long-winded and I seem to have nothing interesting to say, except about random strangers flirting with me because apparently I'm 'prettier' now thankyouverymuch.

The only thing that has remained constant about my blogging style is that I still lose track of my thoughts and start babbling about random things.

I'm uninspired. I am unmotivated. My blog readership is at an all time low - my loyal readers have finally given up with the tedium of my occasional gushing of bullshit. (Omg, sounds like a bull had diarrhea -.-)

I'm not facing any particular conflict in my life right now. I was all caught up in a whirlwind of temper and broken patience last semester, but then I didn't have the time to blog and didn't WANT to blog because ranting about my teammates would just put even more strain on our working relationship.

I wish something interesting would happen to me.

Like, get a scholarship. Or win a lottery (impossible cause I don't buy 4D tickets - maybe Sam could win the lottery!) Or...walk into a door. ANYTHING. I'm living such a satisfactory life that I am numbed into complacence.

And other times, I wish nothing 'interesting' would happen to me.

But actually, some things did happen recently. I adopted a new puppy. I received my first two bottles of fucking ridic rm60 OPI nail polish. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer.

...

I just hadn't had the mood to talk about it. I'm just not sure anyone wants to hear.

People who I thought understood me - didn't. Have you ever had an old friend who you told an obscene joke to, but he didn't get the joke and ended up staring incredulously at you?

Let me tell you a story.

That day, Sam, a couple of friends and I were chatting together after DotA. Somehow, the topic turned to porn (3 guys la what to do.) Then, Sam joked about having an accident with his genitals when he was young, resulting in an S-shaped penis.

This is so out of the ordinary that most people would immediately pick it up as a joke.

I continued jokingly, saying that to get it in he has to wiggle left then right, due to the S-curve.

We were met with silence.

Our friend didn't get the joke.

EPIC FAIL. Now they think we're TMI (too much info) pros who like kinky, wiggly, awkward sex AND like to tell their friends about it.

I hate this phrase, but fuck muh freakin life okay?

All this effort and self-control to remain a virgin and my friends think I'm a sex addict anyway. Chao hai lar.

I don't think anyone believes me anymore when I say that I have NEVER had sex before. In this modern society, people find it impossible that a couple that has been together for more than a year have never slept with each other before.

Okay la, I slept with him before. As in cuddle him to sleep under a nice warm blanket.

Only my mom believes me at this point (I THINK.)

Whatever la. I'm a slut la. Call me a whore. I must be the only virgin whore on earth.

I admit, I get very horny sometimes - I'm a teenager, what do you expect?! Don't tell me you haven't wet your pants or had an erection before.

Maybe I'm not as discreet about it, but we're all the same. So if you point your fat fingers at me and call me a pervert...think water down a duck's back.

At least I still have the self-control to abstain from the real thing. And do you know the real reason why I'm abstaining?

Because I'm fucking terrified of accidentally getting pregnant, that's why.

My mom said she'll be upset if I have sex before marriage, but she says she accepts that I am of a new generation and we do things differently. My friends already think I've had sex...so what is there to lose?

Don't tell me contraception works. Yes it does, but it also FAILS. I cannot explain how bloody scared I am of having a baby at 19.

I don't really give a shit about what people think (well, maybe just a tiny bit. Of shit.) However, I do NOT look forward to postponing my career and giving up the fun years of my life to look after a whiny, screamy, shitting, crying pile of cute, diaper-consuming chubbiness.

Also, I kind of like the idea of being a virgin bride, much to my boy's chagrin. There's just something so special about it all - I guess no matter how modern my thinking may be, I still have very conventional views over this.

It may happen, it may not. But for the moment, even though I'm just another horny teenage pervert who drools over her boyfriend in her sleep sometimes, I'm still...not going to do it.

No matter how casual sex may be these days, no matter how good contraception is, I aim to be a virgin on my wedding night.

I am not against the idea of sex before marriage however. I just believe that everyone should be able to choose what they want to do with their own bodies and not be discriminated over it.

It's the one thing you can keep, even when you've lost all sense of self. You can be assured that there is something that you still have and there is something left to give away.

God. I am such a fucking sap.

I am going to sleep now. I'm sorry, boyfriend, if you read this and weep. I love you. You are fucking sexy to me and I wanna fuck you silly but nah. We've gotta wait, alright?

Hi-5 partner. See you in the honeymoon suite. <3

Plateau

2010-07-30T02:18:00.002+10:00

That's how Mizz JLWY described it. My life. Plateau-ed.

I'm fine fine fine fine fine.

My family, social life, love life, education, finances, health.

Pretty much everything is looking good and bright on the horizon.

...which means I have nothing to bitch about. Which makes me, IMO, quite a dull person.

My mom is cool with my life. I go out with friends quite often now. I love my bf, he loves me. My course is a breeze - and a cool and enjoyable breeze at that. I've got leftover money from that 2.5 days that I worked last sem, so...SHOPPING! My hair is shiny, my skin is smooth (albeit wintry-dry) and I don't have dark circles beneath my eyes.

I'm pretty much at a stage in life where most people would like to be, I guess.

Nothing particularly good or bad that directly affects me has happened lately. Hence, the plateau.

The dreaded plateau of contentment that seems the ideal place to rest our teenage emotions, yet when you reach it, you find it unimaginably dull.

It's boring.

I sound like some horribly ungrateful person but that's how it is. I have nothing interesting to say. It's like my life is day after day of pleasant classes and pleasant friends and pleasant food and pleasant conversations with my boyfriend.

It's as if I've forgotten how to feel worry, fear, anger, sadness, disappointment when I'm in a perpetual cloud of contentment like this.

Although, I guess I can't really say I'm in a perfect cloud of contentment, given that I'm currently whining unjustifiably with discontentment over my state of contentment.

I guess some bitches have it all and still complain, right?

Alright. Stop pelting me with rotten eggs and tomatoes now, and I will commence the telling of the story of the most interesting thing that has happened to me since I returned to Melbourne.

I was asked out by someone.

A someone that I've known for approximately 1.5 days who knows I have a boyfriend, and is in love with someone else.

Yet, he still asked me out.

Huh? Well yeah, I'm confused too.

It started while I was working as a marker at the end of last sem. I, being my usual lethargic self, dozed off rather inconspicuously (as I'd like to believe) ...but not inconspicuous enough for the guy next to me to not notice.

He then began to chat nonsensically to me 'to keep me awake.' I thought he was just being nice and helpful so I thought nothing of it.

Later on, he went on to offer to treat me to a meal for my 'belated birthday' (it was one week prior to the convo,) try to talk me into taking extra shifts with him, promising to save me a seat for the next working day and wound up with my phone number.

He actually asked me to add him on facebook, to which I agreed, but he handed me his phone and while I tried to navigate around he said there was no internet, can he have my number instead?

Of course, since I was already holding the phone, it would seem like a bloody rude thing to do to refuse so I just keyed it in wordlessly and hoped nothing would come of it.

That night he messaged me and asked if I got home safely blablabla, which I pointedly ignored.

The next day he found out I had a boyfriend and things got slightly awkward - I skipped work to go shopping and we didn't speak much to each other after that.

I thought, well, phew that he took the hint and backed off.

So imagine my surprise a few days after I returned to Melbourne - more than 5 weeks after our first encounter - to find that my phone inbox had laid a mystery egg...from that guy.

I opened it with trepidation, wondering what on earth could he want. The text asked whether I still remember him, and asked how I was, how was Malaysia, did I enjoy it?

I stoned for a moment. I had forgotten all about him. I was shocked to discover that he still remembered my length of stay in Malaysia.

With Amanda's advice, I brushed him off again with the excuse 'sry can't text you , saving credit to call my bf." Pretty dismissive, right?

He then asked for my facebook, which I gave him to be polite. I didn't really want to ignore him totally as he was from RMIT as well and if I ran into him - AWKWARD.

He ended up attempting to ask me out many times on facebook and when I said hell no I have a boyfriend and I love him very much thank you, he deigned to ask me whether I would even CONSIDER flirting with him.

I replied 'no' shortly. He went on about how intelligent I was and how I'm really nice to talk to and my hair...my hair...was so...(in his words)

The fuck?

Lolz. But in the end when he realised it was pointless, I managed to dig up some juicy info about his exgf, and his current love, which was doomed from the start - they were from different castes, and therefore it was 'improper' for them to be together.

I am not sure if he's shitting me with his romeo and juliet saga, but I am fucking glad he stopped harassing me already. Maybe he's got my hint to go after the chick regardless of what their parents think and so, has forgotten me in the process. :3

He asked me out for a coffee again, saying he could make me fall for him and I just went -__________________-''

He persisted, but I didn't reply him (busy playing Binders) and I guess he took that as a sign that I was thoroughly fed up with him and his relentless advances.

Anyhow, he hasn't messaged since. :3

I don't know if it's my retardedly lala orange-gold hair or what, but lately there has been guys hanging around my back - god knows what they want.

Today, I noticed the guy sitting next to me having trouble accessing the class server, so I poked his shoulder and told him the proper username and password. He thanked me and I thought that was that.

After that, I noticed him staring at me a lot while I was talking to Tata (girls have imba peripheral vision), which I pointedly ignored. After class, he hung around behind my chair for a while, just hovering uncomfortably behind me as I was fiddling around with the 3D chair I modeled with Maya on the Mac.

"That's nice, I like your chair."

"? Thanks "

I turned back to my work.

"It's really good, I really like it."

"Uhh, thanks?" I replied without looking at him.

"Where are you from?"

I turned around again and looked at him properly this time.

"Malaysia. Are you local?"

"No, I'm from Peru."

"Oh, cool."

I turned back to my screen.

He hovered for a few more moments and left.

Geez. Awkward, yes? -.-

And that day, there was this cheena guy looking at me in Nando's. It seemed normal, I look at people sometimes too.

But after a while, he started getting up and walking past my table to get napkins to wipe down his table. (He had finished eating a while ago.)

Yes I said 'started' because he did that numerous times, despite the fact that there was nothing on his table already.

How many times do you have to get napkins to wipe down a 4-person table that only 1 person has eaten at? Did he sneeze all over the table or something?

I pointed this out to Amanda and gave him simultaneous incredulous stares (kuatnya!) and he finally left, after stoning in his seat a while.

Gee, what a way to get attention - by doing silly things LOL. I would be fair and say that he might have been trying to get Amanda's attention, but that was less likely as she had her back facing him. :/

AND! And! After he left Nando's Manda suddenly giggled and said that he had just walked back through the door and was pretending to study the menu. AFTER he had finished his meal.

Ahahaha wtf lameness.

Anyway, I will not be self-centred this time and just assume that he was a poor, lifeless soul who didn't want to leave Nando's cause he had nothing to look forward to after dinner. :(

And ooh ooh ooh impending love story between my girl friend and guy friend. This oughtta be good!

But I will always root for my dear mamanda, not that ghey lou!

Anyway, even now I can't really think of myself as pretty. I look in the mirror and I will always see that lopsided face and body, ghoulish body and unruly hair.

Maybe you guys can see past all that, but I grew up as the ugly awkward kid with buckteeth, pimples, flat chest and shitty haircuts (sorry mom. You have improved a lot now though!)

Even now when I have straight teeth, RELATIVELY clear skin, cute a-cup boobies and long orange hair, I still feel inexplicably unattractive.

Some of my guy friends have said that I will become a model one day, but I don't think that one day will ever come.

My girl friends laugh at my impaired sense of fashion and 'booblessness.' (The fuck la a-cup is still considered boobs OKAYYY!)

But you know what? Although I may never grow up to become a model or a hot babe, I am still happy with my face and my body.

Contrary to my occasional whining, I'm not that insecure about my small boobs or my height.

I am slightly iffy about my collarbones and shoulders though, but nothing sleeved shirts won't cure. After all, I have those bony chopstick legs that make boys and girls stare and make my relatives want to feed me a huge dose of fat.

Everyone has their ugly and pretty parts. But all in all, I feel pretty although I don't think I'm very pretty.

I guess confidence and self-esteem is all that matters. (And I have plenty of that!)

Yesterday Amanda told me that she wasn't pretty and that was why boys would never want to come after her.

I felt a little bit sad. Perhaps she thinks she isn't the traditional type of pretty, but I think she's pretty. Maybe she doesn't have double eyelids or a dainty chin, but when she smiles or laughs I think it's really attractive.

Standards of beauty are so high nowadays it's almost unachievable.

Fake tits, rhinoplasty, fake tans...in the end does it really matter? You're just going to end up a pile of bones and silicone anyway.

Sure, it makes you feel good about yourself, but I find that most girls feel good when they think other people find them attractive.

I've seen girls who do it all to be fawned over by men. Cleavage-baring tops, sexy/cute haircuts, tight jeans.

They have men salivating over them, and willing to do anything for them - demeaning oneself to make her happy? Sure! Spend my life savings to get her attention? No problem!

But in the end, I guess all a girl really wants from a man is to be loved. Loved for herself, and not her tits or ass or hair.

What happens when you hit 40 and your boobs are down to your navel and you have wrinkles round your eyes?

How are you going to survive without the attention of men, when you've built your life solely around that aspect?

And men...I don't know if they're really happy when they are finally able to call that hot chick their girlfriend. Does she love you? Or is she with you because you're the one who is most willing to spend shitloads of cash and time on her?

Either way, yay. Hot girl and hot guy = hot couple. Good for them if they love each other.

But sometimes, it isn't so. And that's just sad.

Pawns for each other - girl gets the money, guy gets the hot piece on his arm.

But yeah, we're young, we do shit like this. That's always the excuse. I'm young I can do whatever the hell I want, right?

Right.

Problem is, we get old.

Then, what happens?

Razer: FAIL

2010-07-22T04:43:00.004+10:00

Dear Razer,

As an early birthday present last year, my boyfriend bought me this sweet keyboard:

The Razer Lycosa Mirror Edition.

Naturally, I was ecstatic. I remember feeling a sense of awe as I unboxed the Lycosa, watching its glossy finish gleam under the dim light.

For someone who prefers form over function, the sleek keyboard satisfied any superficial hardware cravings - who cares that it would be a mess of fingerprints within an hour? I could always wipe it, right?

I plugged it in and installed the driver. Falling in love with it's electric blue lighting and media keys - goodbye tabbing out from games to change a crappy song! - I gushed over how awesome and beautiful this keyboard was.

Of course, I loved it for more than its looks. There was also the sentimental part of me melting at boyfriend's thoughtful gift - he knew that I'd been drooling over it on the Razer website for a while. It was one of his most expensive gifts to me, and being in the early stages of dating, I was blown away.

However, a deep resentment is starting to build within me and my beloved Lycosa...or rather, its creator, Razer.

Any potential future owners of a Razer Lycosa, please be prepared for one or more of these situations to arise within the first 2 years:

1. The backlights blink randomly

- For no reason at all - and I'm not even NEAR the keyboard! - the lights will cycle through it's off, WASD, and fully-lit mode repeatedly. I have to manually switch the lights off to fix it; sometimes this doesn't even work and I have to unplug and replug the keyboard.

2. Random keys stop working for random amounts of time

- Luckily, mine never failed me during a game (yet.) However, it is unacceptable for Razer, with its reputation for quality gaming paraphernalia, to charge us a bomb and have us deal with malfunctioning products. How can you charge 79.99$ for a keyboard that can't even perform its most basic function - to TYPE?

3. Random keys flying off

- Okay, this has never happened while I was using it, but within 2 weeks of each other, 2 of my friends managed to make the same key fly off while typing normally. I can't really explain how it happened - and neither can they.

They were just typing, and somehow the key stuck to their finger and lifted itself clean off the board. I have never dropped or banged my keyboard before so the problem is definitely not on my end.

Also, I've bought keyboards that has lasted for donkey years without ANY of the aforementioned problems AND cost a mere RM19.90.

4. Restarts itself occasionally, for no reason at all

- It randomly stops and starts working again all by itself. I hear the sound of a USB being unplugged and replugged without me doing anything at all. This is HIGHLY irritating. Also, when this happens, the default media player is reset to Windows Media Player (I normally set it to iTunes) and I have to go and reset it.

5. Media keys unsensitive/don't work occasionally

- Sometimes when I press them, they do not respond until I tap them several more times. This is ridiculous because the keys are built for you to change songs in the midst of a game and I don't HAVE the time to do a finger-tapdance on the keyboard.

There were the 5 main problems I've encountered within less than a year and a half of owning this beautiful disaster.

I don't use the USB port often, but when I doI' plug my mouse into it, it tends to disconnect itself occasionally, which is INFURIATING because you don't want to lose mobility while you're busy 1v1-ing someone in CS, do you?

I've read other complaints online and people have also complained that the USB port simply fails - random disconnects and whatnot.

Also, the headphone jack is static-ky. I am not sure if this is the headphone's problem or the jack's problem, but both are Razer products so it's STILL their fault. I have to jiggle it a bit before I can get a clear sound and even so, it causes the keyboard to black out sometimes.

Other problems which are not manufacturing defects but may deter potential buyers (if you're not turned off enough by now):

1. Fingerprints. Ew. Can be wiped, but you just get fed up after a while and just use it in all its greasy glory.

2. The black lacquer chips off after a couple off months. I'm a girl and I have medium-length nails so I suppose it is inevitable. Now the blue light shines through where the paint has chipped off.

3. The little legs to prop the keyboard up have snapped off several times with little impact (brushing it against the side of my laptop, for instance.) It is easily fixed and I'm glad it's not damaged permanently, but I would expect something sturdier for the amount they are charging.

4. Once a key has fallen off, it remains permanently loose. So far, only 2 keys have fallen off - I retardedly vacuumed one off by accident, and the other fell off when my friends were typing (as mentioned above.) Both were remedied with a spot of super-glue though, so no hard feelings.

However, some people DO remove their keys deliberately to clean the inside of the keyboard, so I'm sure they will be extremely pissed off to discover that the keys will be loose after doing so. It takes very little for them to come off again - the key can easily stick to a sweaty/wet/sticky finger and follow your finger off the board (this has happened to me SO many times it pisses me off just thinking about it. Thank god for superglue.)

And that sums up my pretty long rant about the Lycosa.

The warranty period for all Razer keyboards is only 1 year, so I can't get a replacement. Also, no software fix has been created to fix the blinking light problem.

As far as I know, this problem has been going on for a long time (based on other user reviews,) so it is rather disgraceful for Razer to not act upon it.

I know I sbould always research thoroughly before investing in a pricey piece of equipment, but what can I say? I fell in love with it's sleek looks and even so, I didn't plan on buying it - it was a gift.

And for such a reputable gaming company, I would expect better quality and longevity of their product. It is such a shame that 20 ringgit keyboards can outlast this 280 ringgit piece of branded hardware.

Shame on you, Razer! Time to step up your game!

That said, I haven't had a big issue with their mice (I own a Salmosa SEA edition and an Abyssus - another gift from my boyfriend) save for the fact that my configurations are reset almost everytime the Abyssus is unplugged from the pc. I have to restart to pc to get my settings back to normal.

I also own a Razer Piranha headset (the first gift from my boyfriend) and its sound was not too shabby in the first year of ownership (it was secondhand.)

However, after dropping it numerous times, there now seems to be a mild static and fuzziness after a while. But I acknowledge that this is a result of my own carelessness. Also, it was previously owned by my boyfriend, so I cannot judge it not having known the prior treatment it received.

And yes, I have all the latest drivers installed, so don't ask. :)

So all in all, while I am fairly satisfied with the performance of my mice, I am deeply disappointed with the quality of the Lycosa mirror.

Please don't take these complaints as being ungrateful towards Sam's lovely gift. I love it so much and will always appreciate it because it came from him.

I am just deeply unsatisfied with the product - although it looks magnificent, in the end I still fare better with a 20rm ugly-ass Logitech.

That is the official end of my complaint.

Signed,

A severely disappointed used-to-be fan of Razer

Porn

2010-07-16T16:54:00.002+10:00

I have a confession to make.

I have watched porn. Twice.

...okay that doesn't sound as bad as I thought it would, given that there are many people who watch porn on a regular basis and think nothing of it.

However, both times that I watched it was not because I felt unbearably horny and needed a release, but because I was curious. No, really.

The first time was watching midget porn on Perez Hilton. Having never watched any type of porn before, I thought it would be funny and...it was unfuckingbelievably hilarious.

It starts off with this girl sunbathing on a horribly construction 'beach' (think billboard background, sand and spotlight.) She starts to get comfortable and removes all her clothes, revealing these 2 monstrous, squishy boobs that jiggled around like water balloons when she lay down.

Of course, she's having so much fun sunbathing naked knowing that there's no one watching that she starts pushing and massaging her boobs for no apparent reason.

Then, 2 midget lifeguardscaught sight of this boobalicious babe and tell her that it is illegal to sunbathe naked. With a comically provocative tone, she exclaims that there must be SOMETHING she can do for them to not arrest her. (Covers mouth in mock horror and slumps defeatedly)

With the worst acting I have ever seen in my life, (save Bristol Palin in some shitty movie) the two midgets give each other a LOOK and quickly nod.

They moved their heads left to right in an exaggerated manner to check whether there was anyone around - think wide-eyed, high-school caliber acting - and promptly pulled their pants down.

They then start having their way with her, kneading her boobs in the most un-erotic way possible, and I found it fucking hilarious that she could give them blowjobs while lying down in the deckchair cause they are, after all, midgets and are of convenient height.

The most off-putting thing about the whole production (besides the shitty unnecessary lines, tasteless acting and lousy props) was the girl's horrible fake moaning.

OHH? OHH YEAH? UH huh YEAHH OH? OH? OHH? OH YESS? OH YEA OH? OH? OH?

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE EROTIC?

???

It's not even an OH YES! It's an OH YES? Like she didn't know whether she was supposed to be turned on or not.

It was so obviously fake and clinical it just made me shake with laughter.

-_-

All that while, I couldn't help but wonder...people find THIS a turn on?

I then decided that midget porn was probably a rather niche fetish, so I went in search of 'regular' porn - for research purposes only *whistles*

After roughly an hour of sifting through gangbang porn, 'underage' porn, sugar daddy porn, homemade porn and plain titsandass porn, I was left feeling let down.

Like...is THIS what people find so intriguing and excitingly forbidden at the same time? What the hell? I'd rather watch animals mating on National Geographic!

Maybe I've had a bad porn experience or maybe I'm simply too inexperienced to find A-grade porn. So, for MORE research purposes, I asked my bf (yes, I know he watches porn occasionally and I'm fine with it) to show me some of the 'good stuff.'

I ended up spending half the night staring incredulously/snorting in laughter/laughing uncontrollably.

WHAT THE HELL?

I thought porn was some exciting, foreign and dirty realm that I'd abstained myself from all these years to keep my mind 'clean.'

And when I decided to finally take the plunge and find out what the fuss is all about, I discover tasteless videos of obviously un-aroused porn stars in awkward positions moaning in the most annoying, whiny voices EVER. I'd rather listen to a baby crying in a plane! And you KNOW how irritating that is!

It's like a tween trying alcohol for the first time. After being kept away for it for YEARS, imagining it as a 'dangerous' and a 'teenage feel-good' thing, they finally have their first shot of vodka...and find that it is utterly repulsive, tastes like burning medicine and makes you nauseous after one too many.

Of course, people do grow to like alcohol once they get past the dry eyes/mouth, headaches etc so maybe I will learn to acquire a taste for porn one day. Not that I care to.

Now, whenever I think of something naughty I can't help thinking of that naked girl moaning like a strangled duck.

AaaAAAH AaaAHHH.

Thanks a whole lot, porn industry.

I'm still holding out the hope that I've simply had a few bad experiences with porn and that my peers aren't as tasteless and desperate as I thought.

My bf says I should stream online to find better quality ones (we watched a dvd) but I'm still skeptical. How much better can it be?

Anyway, I'm back to my non-porn-watching self.

Sigh.

I've been let down.

It's coming to an end

2010-07-14T05:50:00.003+10:00

All good things do.

Went clubbing, went to Singapore, had a party, had Amanda and Samantha over from Miri and had a dentist inform me that I needed my wisdom teeth out.

DAMMIT.

I know that I should, lest 6...was it 7?...years of braces go to waste. Despite having 2 teeth removed from each jaw, my genetically small jaw still doesn't have enough space for the 2 new additions.

My teeth are being shoved around in my mouth like eggs in a basket. God forbid the teeth on my bottom jaw take on the dilapidated graveyard facade again. (Imagine tombstones placed haphazardly in a crooked line )

However, I'm still praying for the best - hoping that my retainers will hold out and keep my teeth in a straight line, at least. My bottom left canine tooth has already rotated almost 45 degrees in just a few DAYS.

Will wait until the end of the year to see...from experience, I know the roots of my teeth are roughly an inch long, EXCLUDING the tooth itself.

And that was just the premolar. Also, my wisdom tooth has to be cut into pieces and taken out separately due to its position...my gums will be cut and stitched back together.

After effects include swollen face, bleeding, possible fever, inability to open mouth wide, inability to close mouth properly, (wtf am I supposed to walk around with my mouth slightly open like a mouth breather?)...and PAIN.

...

Okay forget it.

Anyway, I PASSED Games Studio 1! With credit!

MIRACLE? YES, MIRACLE!

*dances around naked*

So here are my marks for Semester 1, Digital Art at RMIT:

Games Studio 1: 60 - Credit

Maths and Physics for Artists: 74 - Distinction

Imaging 1: 77 - Distinction

Introduction to Programming: 88 - High Distinction

Did slightly better than expected, but less than what I hoped for.

Also got a new team for Games Studio 2. Tim - who invited me to join got 49/50 for the final part of the group assignment for GS1...wtf?

???

My group got 29.5/50 and we got LUCKY. (I wonder if they docked the 5% in the end, as they said they would. If they did then we got 34.5/50 which is actually surprisingly good for a game that couldn't be finished.)

Anyway what happened with my group is a long story. Don't get me wrong, I like my group mates as friends but they were IMPOSSIBLE to work with as team mates.

Here are just some of the many problems I encountered:

- Arriving more than 2 hours after agreed meeting time, which THEY forced upon me (and I was the only one who arrived on time)

- Free-loading

- Inability to comprehend simple instructions and requests

- Not using the dozen or so maps that Tata and I fixed...I don't even know whether ANY part of the assignment reflected our work

- Putting our group assignment last in their list of priorities (didn't care, had part-time job, other assignments, time management problems blah)

- Program crashed 1982371831 times but this is probably the toolset's fault

- Arguing for the sake of arguing and wasting precious time (the night before the due date)

- Different standards (floating trees are NOT okay and they are NOT 'magical,' they just look like you didn't check the y-plane to see if they were on the ground - which you didn't)

- Lack of communication

I admit that I should have stepped up tried to make it better, but some of the things were really out of my hands. Imagine Tata and I spent x hours trying to fix Fandi's HUGE and illogical maps (75 degree incline on a walking path, anyone?) and the programmers conveniently 'forgot' to use them instead of the old EMPTY maps.

It's like watching our work being thrown out with the trash.

(And watching trash get put on a pedestal.)

And of course, they had more than a week to script but they chose the last possible day to start on it, and by the time we see the scripted game areas and realised that the wrong maps were used...it was too late to change them.

OKAY. I swore I'd stop talking about it already. But after graduating foundation with a high distinction average, this is a horrible blow to my work ethics and standards.

How did some of these people even manage to get into the course with their standard of work? HUH?

It's not my fucking fault that they can't cope with the HUUUUUGE *sarcasm* amount of work in first year.

Seriously. The amount and difficulty of the assignments is like 25% of what I went through in foundation year.

Mega PUI!

I hate group work.

Okay. -end of rant-

This holiday I also learned that:

1. Some people are best kept at a distance

2. Appreciate your childhood friends. Seeing them after so long, I realised that I really love them and that they care about me too.

3. I play DotA better with iTunes off.

4. Red hair dye fades bloody fast. (Faster than the time it takes to actually dye it)

5. People change - and always trust your feelings. If something a person tells you does not feel right, it probably isn't.

6. Even the most mild-mannered and jittery dogs can be territorial to the point of homicidal tendencies. (Sigh)

7. My webcam makes me 50% prettier than I really am. (All the more reason to camp at the pc)

8. I only tend to blog when I'm bored and want to feel sleepy, fast.

Mission accomplished. Good night.

Oh, and I love you baby!

O hai. Say hello to red-haired chick.

2010-06-21T17:41:00.003+10:00

My mom is going to streak my hair with red today. I'd say highlight, but most people seem to perceive highlighting as streaking 80% of your hair orangeybrowneyblonde whereas I'm going for the opposite effect.

I wanted bold, thick purple blocks of hair...or maybe just a simple, bold stripe down one side. I never really fancied those highlight jobs where they comb a whole mound of gunk into your hair and call it a day. (Glorified dye job ~__~)

However, the only purple I could find (from the one and only shop I visited, yea yea lazy bum) was those auntie-purples which are actually pinkish-maroon and look like the back of your throat.

I wanted Hitgirl purple!

*___* I haven't watched Kickass yet but I fell in love with her hair - it's what I've always wanted! T__T In streaks though, I sincerely doubt I could carry off a whole head of violet. I bought extensions before but there were numerous problems with this:

1. They are ramrod straight and my hair is wavy. I don't style my hair so it looks retarded. Like spaghetti trying to blend in with the maggi crowd.

2. The only extensions I could find that are violet are all synthetic hair, so they feel plasticky AND they tangle like fucking thread! I didn't know this - I found out when I ran a comb violently through my hair and ripped out one of my extensions. -.- What's worse is that it was the glue-on kind, not a clip-on, so it left a chunk of glue on my hair that felt like hardened snot. ARGH.

3. Maybe I just suck, but I couldn't wash my scalp properly! The extensions were perhaps 2cm away from the roots so I could just get my fingers under them but I couldn't move around to scrub my scalp else I'd loosen them/rip them out.

4. The salon did a shitty job with hiding the part where they attached it. You could see GLUE on my head like someone hurled a spitball and magically transformed my black hair into scraggly violet streaks.

5. Some of them spontaneously fell off after being loosened by multiple attempted scalp scrubbings in the shower. OMG hello embarassment!

I am so traumatized by the whole hair extension experience that I never did get round to using the other 10 violet strands that I had left. If you want them, let me know o.o

Later on, I had 2 failed DIY dye jobs.

Now, I am a complete style (hair/makeup/clothes) n00b, so please don't cramp yourself laughing when I tell you that I tried dying my black hair red without prior bleaching.

-___-

(Har har Yi Ling tried this too suckah :X)

That was the first time, courtesy of a box of Schwarzkopf temporary hair colour, a plastic bag draped around my shoulders and Amanda's help.

The SECOND time was in Penang with my cousin and mom. Cousin and mom both dyed their hair brown, whereas she bought purple for me.

I wasn't so sure if she bought violet, cause it was those professional' dye boxes that have a stamped on number instead of a pic/colour swatch.

Ffs, if you're so professional, you could at least afford to have customized boxes for every colour instead mass producing them and then stamping on codes that have to be deciphered with a swatch book.

What if you stamp on the wrong number and a whole batch of auntie brown gets mixed up with anime grey? Then you'd get a whole bunch of angry aunties who think the dye is not working (cause their hair is already grey HAHA) and a whole bunch of lalas who also think the dye is not working (cause their hair is already brown DOUBLE HAHA!)

But whatever. I digress (as usual) and back to the story - It didn't work.

Yay! A summary!

Basically my cousin mixed 12% bleach (apparently 4 times the regular amount - I have no idea) WITH the hair dye and let me sit with foil sticking out of my head for 2 hours (double the recommended time - I also don't know) and when I eagerly peeled it off, hands trembling with anticipation - voila! It was BLACK!

-_______________________________________-

So this is my THIRD try, and hopefully we do EVERYTHING right. I bought from my cousin's regular shop with has NO violet (so I decided on red) so THANK GOD it didn't work the last time or I'd have AUNTIE-PURPLE hair. HELL NOOOOOO!

Mom's gone out to buy the foil and I'm sitting here with clean, dry hair, raring to go. Go go go!

On another note, I've started playing CS again and MAN I SUCK BALLS.

My AK is like a fucking popcorn machine! Everytime I shoot a bullet I startle myself a little with the recoil. My god -.-

Same with m4, however mild the recoil is in comparison.

However, I did a 1v3 in awp_india last night and came out with 180 - 80.

Haha, maybe they're just noobs/lagging/whatever but feels pretty nice anyhow.

Alrights, gonna play CS while waiting for mom to come home and murder my hair. Goodbyeeeeeee : )

On second thought

2010-05-22T09:07:00.004+10:00

I was a bit iffy when I wrote that previous post. Maybe because he reminded me of the infinite amount of ah bengs that I've encountered over the years - all like him: equally incapable of cowing girls.

The more I talk to him, the more I recognize the stereotype. And I guess he's not all bad - he's just socially stunted. I mean look at the first (second?) impression he gave me. What's up with that?

And I highly doubt he will ever be able to cow my dear Sui. As much as I hate seeing a lovesick person like him have his heart smashed to smithereens, we have to be realistic.

But who knows wei? Maybe one day he can win over her heart and shut me up. HAHAHA I'm imagining a SuiYi-AhBeng wedding. Omfg. Worlds apart man.

From the conversation I just had with him, he seems to have an IQ of my pants size, the maturity of a 5-year-old and the love experience of that little froggie in the tempurung.

.__.

Good luck. May your charm (if any) and wit (HAHA) win her over eventually. :/

But don't keep your hopes up. If you do, you are - in her words - DELUSIONAL.

It's a small small world

2010-05-22T06:29:00.004+10:00

A few days ago, Suisui was tagged in a pic where some guy was confessing his love to her in DotA. I didn't really think much about it until I talked about it with her today and I realised the DotA guy's username - Tom|Kz - sounded so damned familiar.

And it turns out, it's some guy who used to know me when I first started DotA on Garena almost 3 years ago. Ex clanmate from [MoD.]

WALAO. Like that also can meh?

I don't remember him as a person or player, but I remember his name cause it was very cutesy for a guy. But he remembers me -.- Summore say I 'siaosiao' and like to use '._.' when I type.

Wtf I am so memorable! /perasan

Then he has to go spoil it all by insulting me and saying I'm damn noob. WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of moron insults a girl he has not seen in 3 years in front of her good friend - who incidentally is the girl he currently likes?

How dumb can you get? HAHAHA.

He said I called him noob first, not realising I was joking. How can I even judge a person as noob when I just said I don't even remember that person? Guna otaklah, alamakkk.

Anyway, it seemed that I had insulted his DotAhbeng dignity and he goes on to say that I was very noob and he beat me and Rick in one match.

This I find hard to believe, cause Rick was a fantastic, albeit selfish (only in games) player even 3 years ago. I mean, Viv - a tourney player - allowed him to go draft with her last time, and she had nothing bad to say about him at the time - she said he was not bad in fact. (Unlike Nick. Sorry to say, she was laughing/swt-ing too hard to comment. LOL tough luck man.)

And the fact that he can even remember this match after 3 bloody years when I can't even remember him just proved what a miracle it was that he won.

-______________- Who on earth recalls DotA matches from 3 years ago? I can't even remember how I played in last night's game.

Then ask me 1v1 summore ZOMG. SAI MM SAI AH? I'd gladly oblige if it weren't for the fact that we're on opposite ends of the globe (lag, duh) and the fact that 1v1 matches don't prove shit. DotA is a team game, not a bloody cockshow.

And then as we go on talking he alternates from insulting to humble to actcute to offended. His mannerisms switched as fast as my moodswing while I'm PMS-ing. I don't understand Ahbengs at all.

Sorry la Sui, I tau he's your friend (summore he loves you OOOO ) but I don't know what to make of him wei. And I cannot believe he still plays DotA hardcore after all these years. Tak bosan ke?

But I must say you have good taste to have passed over him

Let me warn you and every other girl out there - hardcore DotArds are generally:

1. Kiasu

2. Kiasi

3. Good at passing the blame

4. Cursing in at least 3 different dialects/languages

5. Easily offended

6. Lifeless

7. Better than you (so they claim)

8. Keen to 'fuck ni mama de puki/cheebye'

9. People who take gaming too seriously (thus defeating the purpose of games, which is to have fun)

10. Good at changing their tone according to the person they are talking to (lots of experience in clan politics and can suck up to/ curse people very well)

I know because I was at least 4 of these at the same time at some point in my life. And I am so glad I've moved on and up from wasting my life on a pointless Ah Beng game.

I still enjoy playing DotA, but only on a casual basis now. No more 10 hour sprees, lack of food and sleep, staying up during SPM to DotA, and no more swollen gaming spots. (If you don't know, it's the callous the wrist of the mouse - and sometimes keyboard - hand.)

Maybe it's my course or maybe I've matured - either way I'm not really obsessed with games anymore and can stop any time. REALLY stop - not say YES I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT...but never do.

My gaming spot has faded and is barely visible now. Lots of DotA friends have faded away into the woodwork along with my obsession. The only significant thing I have left from my gaming days is...my boyfriend.

Lol. No regrets. We left the world of hardcore gaming together and I think it was one of the best decisions I've made.

I love gaming and I always will, but it's such a toxic atmosphere when you don't know how to separate it from real life.

I know I'm still hot-tempered and have lots of bad habits when I'm gaming - but it (temper/bad attitude) evaporates within 30 minutes from the end of the game. I find it ridiculous to harbor long-term grudges over a simple ks or mistake in game - my real friends are worth more than that.

And I hope that one day, all these hopeless game addicts realise that too - gaming is a lifestyle, not your life.

Neuroses

2010-05-18T01:06:00.005+10:00

1. I have a system for putting my food in order. For example, if dinner is veggies, potatoes, and chicken, I will eat ALL of the veggies, then the potatoes. Not until that’s done can I eat the chicken. If it’s soup or stew the process is the same. Cereal is complicated. If it’s something muti-colored I have to eat the pieces in order of color, worst to best. I will not eat a wrong-colored piece until I finish the color I’m working on. Lucky Charms are easier. I just have to make sure all the cereal bits are done before I eat the marshmallows. If i don’t eat things this way, I will feel like I’ve cheated. And it will bother me for the rest of the meal.

2. If I am reading a book before I go to bed, I have to complete the chapter I am on before turning out the lights. Once I finish the chapter, I have to stick the bookmark in the book without looking. If I see the first words of the next chapter, I have to read that one too before turning out the lights.

3. Every time I eat a gummy candy, I try to keep it in my mouth with out chewing it. If I do bite it, I lose.

4. Every time I go by a wall or something, and I touch it, I have to touch it for the amount of times that I am old. For example, if I poke a wall, and I’m currently 20 years old, I have to poke it 20 times. And if by some coincidence I miss one, I have to star over until I have touched it 20 times in a row.

5. When walking up a flight of stairs, I have to begin with my right foot and end at the top with my left foot. As I approach the top of the stairs, and can see that I will end with my right foot, I will skip a step to ensure it is my left foot finishing.

6. Eating in order – Every time I eat a snack out of a bowl–say mini pretzels–I have to eat them in order from least tasty to tastiest. In the case of pretzels, this would mean I have to eat them in order from least salty to most salty. Touching a pretzel also immediately decreases its tastiness value, and the last two must be eaten one after the other.

7. Whenever I sing a song and someone tries to talk to me, I have to finish the part that I’m singing before I talk to them because otherwise it will bother me. Just the fact that I’m doing something and someone interrupt me irks me.

8. When buying a book, I have to ensure that there cover is perfect – no crinkles, wrinkles scratches and such. Also must leaf through the book to make sure the pages are intact. Then, I put that book down and do the same with several other books because I cannot purchase the first one I picked up. Or the second.

9. When I walk over a bridge I have to hold on really tight to my belongings because I fear I might throw them off.

...apparently I'm not the only one with neuroses.

What kind of neurotic behaviour do YOU have?

Boobalicious

2010-05-16T06:12:00.005+10:00

I have always had small boobs. On a bad day I'd feel really self-conscious and feel very un-feminine. On a good day I'd love them and tell myself that big boobs would look extremely out of place on my skinny body.

Was reading a chick blog called 'The Boobs' and wow. There were LOTS of great boobage on display and I started feeling small (haha punny) and inadequate again.

However, I read on and discovered that they don't only appreciate voluptuous girls but also those flat-chesties like me. One of the readers posted up a familiar link that I've visited before a long time ago but completely forgotten about.

And there are pages upon pages of normal boobs.

I've always read in magazines that yes, boobs do come in all shapes, sizes, and colours - but that contradicted with their gorgeous boobalicious models on the cover and it just came off as a half-arsed attempt to make some readers feel better.

I looked at the website again, and suddenly I feel a great rush of affection towards my boobs (god I sound like a freak -.-) and you know what? I love them.

They aren't big and juicy but on the bright side, they don't sag at all and despite a being different in size, they are pretty balanced and I don't have areola the size of salted biscuits. Not that having big areolae is a bad thing, but I think that would look disproportionate with my small boobs.

And yes, my boyfriend loves my boobs too. Of course, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if they were a bit bigger, but he tells me he appreciates them all the same. And since, he, I, a bra fitter, my mom and a gynaecologist are probably the only people who are ever going to see me topless, (unless I get really drunk and skinny dip) all your opinions are irrelevant.

It's just that when I came here, there were so many girls with great boobs and could wear all types of tops - singlets, bikinis, v-necks, boob tubes and whatnot...I was perpetually stuck wearing t-shirts that covered up my shoulders (damn my bony frame! )

But really, I shouldn't be surprised because the people here are generally bigger (Aus is the 2nd most obese country after US) and although I'm not saying they're all fat and ogrelike, they have more flesh, and naturally, bigger boobs.

Also, some of my girl friends do remark about the tragedy of being flat-chested and how big boobs always win just made me feel even worse about myself. When I asked Amanda to think what other tops I could wear besides t-shirts, she just stoned, smiled slightly and looked away. My mom bought me a gorgeous strapless maxi dress. I put it on, and when I lifted my arms up, they promptly slid down and almost fell off.

It's little incidents like these that have taken a serious toll on my self-esteem. I remember the time when I used to be all: 'this is the way I am and if you don't like it, fuck you!'

I don't know when I started caring so much about what people say.

I read the stories that accompanied each picture on the boob site, and some were encouraging while others just made me feel so sad.

One girl with these perfect boobs (like perky B cup - the way I want mine to be) said she felt they were too small and were hideous. Her self-esteem issues were so bad that she never had a boyfriend because the idea of anyone ever seeing her naked was terrifying.

And this comes from a girl whose boobs I so desperately wanted!

People aren't happy with what they have. I read on through and saw girls with huge boobs who wanted reductions, tiny boobed-girls who took the Pill just to be more womanly. (Which I HAVE seriously considered, but wasn't prepared to deal with the side-effects.)

Some of them had boobs that I didn't like - saggy and drooping, with areolae that covered the entire pointy part of their boobs...but they loved them. I guess it's just how you perceive your body. Other people may not like them, but the most important view is yours.

If you love them, fuck what other people think. Especially guys who say they only love big-boobed girls. If you whip out your 9-inch pornstar dick and 6-pack abs and flex your model biceps while telling me this, then okay fine. But otherwise I'm pretty sure you aren't what other girls have in mind either. And I'm not saying that guys are the only one's who discriminate...girls are just as guilty of this too.

In fact, I think girls have hurt my feelings more than guys have ever done. ( Not intentionally, I hope. If so, then suck mah ballzz pls)

But the point is, you should just appreciate who you are. Thanks to the media, we are bombarded daily by perfectly round, perky big boobs and we forget that not all of us are graced with good genes/are photoshopped.

I'm thin. I have A cup boobs (which fluctuate from AA to almost B depending on the time of month) and they're fine, thank you.

I would never consider having those hideous pornstar implants - I would like to breastfeed my children and not be numb in the chest, thanks. I'd still like to gain some weight because I'm really unhealthy but otherwise...

As for those girls with huge boobs, flaunt them when you can. Be glad you have them. They may be huge and ache and maybe you can't wear bikini tops, but be thankful that you can wear feminine dresses and tops without unintentionally flashing the crowd when you lift up your arms.

As for flatties like me, be happy you can run around without having gravity fucking around with your chest. You don't have to wear a bra and you won't sag. You won't experience those backaches that big-breasted women sometimes experience, and although we can't wear strapless tops, we don't have to worry about boobs popping out of bikini tops anytime.

Love your boobies!

This is a community service message brought to you by your friendly almost-completely-flat blogger.

And here's the link again, in case you didn't click it earlier and are lazy to scroll up: Normal Breasts Gallery

Good night

p.s. Cotton On size 8A bras are half the price of larger-sized bras during a sale (5$ as opposed to 10$). HAHA. I don't find it insulting that we're not of 'common stock,' but awesome that I get to save my money ^__^