I Give Up

I am so sick of this. Now I finally remember why I wanted to run away to Australia and never come back. I hate the fact that even when I’m trying to be a good daughter, my mom still doesn’t trust me.

So what if he fell asleep on my bed? Does that mean that his only intention is to fuck the living daylights out of your daughter? Couldn’t it have been, oh, I don’t know, that he was just tired and FELL ASLEEP RIGHT THERE?

For one thing, I am an adult and I know I am responsible for all my actions. And on my 18^th birthday party she has to snap at me and snap at Sam to get the fuck out of my bed. What the hell la. Do you know that it is completely legal now for me to have sex with any guy I choose? Do you know that I don’t need parental consent for any of my actions anymore?

Simply said, I could choose to have sex with my boyfriend any time I liked, and yes let me have you know, I could have done it on a large number of occasions already. Believe me, I wanted it. But out of respect for my mother’s wishes – no premarital sex – I have respected her decision and decided long ago to remain a virgin until marriage.

I have been so fucking good and obedient, and the first time my exhausted boyfriend falls asleep on my bed? She has to fucking give me that fucking black face that she herself hates so much and ask me what the fuck he was doing there.

Thanks so much, mom. I know you tried to give me a day to remember and to enjoy and you certainly did – until the point where you showed that you don’t trust me one fucking bit.

You always tell everyone how I’m so sensible and responsible, and yet you don’t believe a word of it. You don’t even trust me to handle my hormones.

I’ve really done everything I can. I put all my heart into my work, because I know it makes her happy. I take care of myself and I don’t ask for money – I would rather starve than accept more than my allocated allowance of 250 dollars per month. I do the housework when she asks. I report to her when she wants me to. I bring her chocolates when I come home.

And yet she still scolds me when I am innocent. Giving me that sour face and tone when I didn’t fucking do anything at all.

I was with her for the past hour or so chatting with our guests until they left. We cleaned up and headed upstairs to open my presents and I told her to speak softly because Sam had fallen asleep upstairs and she goes off on a fucking tangent. IT’S NOT RIGHT I FORBID YOU BLABLABLAFUCKINGBLA. And she had to do it in front of him too.

If she told me nicely, I would have said that’s okay, I can always go and sleep in the next room, no harm done. But she had to fucking SCOLD me for something I didn’t even do. What the fuck wei? Like you caught me fucking him in the bedroom is it?

And let me have you all know, whatever I do is my business. I know I am a daughter and I owe it to my mom to fulfill my duties as a child, but I am also my own person and I deserve privacy and respect for my personal life.

If you don’t believe in premarital sex, fine. You don’t have to impose that belief on me. As my close friends very well know, I never planned to be a virgin bride. I don’t see anything wrong in having sex with someone you love – having sex before marriage does not automatically make you a slut or a whore. It doesn’t mean I run around fucking every guy that’s willing. And I think any guy would be willing to have sex.

But because she is my mother, I chose to respect her belief and remain ‘pure’ until marriage. Which is utter fucking bullshit, I think. They probably had the concept of virgin brides because they had no proper contraception back then when men were the breadwinners of the family and women couldn’t afford to raise a child out of wedlock, should the man who impregnated her choose to abandon her.

Well, anyway thanks so much, mom, for trying to make my day special. All the material effort and yes, some honest-to-good tender loving care did not go unappreciated. I just feel so fucking hurt that my mother does not even trust me that I’m crying on my bed now while my boyfriend is sleeping next door.

Everyone said tonight that I finally look so happy and smiling – I’m glowing. Well you should know that Sam is the primary source of my glow and I don’t think anyone really knows how happy he has made me these past few months. Yes, we have discussed sex and he thoroughly respects my decision.

I’m glowing because these past few months I have been free. Free from the choking education system of Malaysia. Free from the ridiculous, biased, discriminating, irresponsible government. Free from all the little ways mom has unknowingly made me feel so small all these years. I don’t think she knows how many times I’ve cried at night knowing I’ll never be good enough for her. It just hurts so badly I can’t even put it in words.

I realize the past few years I have been a spoilt, lazy brat who refused to think of anyone but myself. That was when I decided to change and put my heart into my work, swallow any anger I have when she says something hurtful, and do whatever she wants me to so that she can finally be happy to have another good daughter.

It feels like nothing has changed.

I’m glowing when I’m 7000km away from home. The moment I reach home, my light is put out and my happy world comes crashing down around my feet. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Am I really untrustworthy?

I don’t care what she says now. I’m going next door because I need some hugs. I need someone to make me feel safe and secure because the way I feel now when I’m with my mom is akin to treading on a minefield. One wrong step and she explodes.

How could I ever feel safe?

Maybe I am really a useless daughter. I can’t do anything about that now

I need my hugs.