High jor

But I'm typing in complete darkness. :) Was at Maison with Viv and another friend Mandy tadi and I drank 3 shots of whisky and 1 mixed one.

Ahahahahahahhaa I a bit high but I'm still ok.

I miss my boyfriend sooooooooooo muchhhh. Where is heeee? Guys kept trying to dance with me all night and hug me and ruffle my hair but I damn lansi reject kao them. Smile, hold up my hand, shake my head and walk away.

I only want my Sam.

:(

And he's not here. My head is pounding like someone is whacking it repeatedly in a rhythmic motion and I can't sleep but I mm seh dak wake my darling boyfriend. Again.

Ahahaha I am such a geek. First thing I came home was webbie my bf, took a shower, washed up and...CS!

WTF.

I top frag tau. Don't play play. It's like drunken kung fu ok?

Bahahah I keep insulting oppo - lose to drunk girl HAHAHAH sei la leiiii. My ak can spray wallbang hs sapu whole team wtf I play better when high than when I'm sober, geng leh?

Bahahahah. Headache.

Drunken convo:

"I didn't brush my teeth, will you be angry at me? :(("

"Don't worry I also didn't brush my teeth."

"....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

Bahahaha my boyfriend so cute. And gross. But cute. I wish he could hug me right now.

OK I'm typing nonsense cause it's distracting me from my imba-ly pounding head.

Fuck tonight one fella tried to flirt with me by asking me to play CS with him. But he also flirting with Viv. Go die la. You all hamsup kia only..

I a bit high doesn't mean I'm promiscuous ok? I can still type and talk and walk and be loyal to my boy ok?

None of this YOU ARE SO CUTE nonsense. Fuck off laaaaa. I'm better than you. -_- Go away man. Despos.

Bahhh. I think I will go brush teeth so I have nice breath when I kiss my boyfriend to death tomorrow.

I miss him. And I missed the first time I drunkenly collapsed into his embrace almost exactly a year ago.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you and I'm freezing cold and I wish you were here to hug me to sleep like old times.

:) I love you.

I feel better now. Good night.

Long love alcohol-bunnie. I own you all. Noobs.

ARGHHH

SWALLOW SWALLOW SWALLOW SWALLOW SWALLOW.

Swallow that rage, that is.

So much pent up anger and I have no idea where it's from.

Play my musical box. Eat a chocolate. Play my favourite song. Anything to distract me from this all-consuming feeling of fury and helplessness.

Pms. FUCK YOU.

I can't control it. SUCKS BALLS!

Okay. Let's start being coherent. What have I been up to lately?

I tried dyeing my hair purple but despite 4 times the usual amount of bleach put for double the amount of time, my hair remained black as night. It did lighten however, over a few washes to a flaming reddish brown in the sunlight.

I...cut my fringe off, only to look a coconut-headed-lala which was PRECISELY the look I was trying to avoid at all costs. I even showed the hairdresser a picture of the bangs I wanted and she gave me a coconut head.

THANKS. But I am then customer and YOU are the hairdresser so you should pretty much follow my nice and specific instructions, no? NO!

And don't tell me to stop complaining about my hair. BLABLA IT'S FINE! IT'S NOT THAT BAD! YOU'RE WHINING ABOUT NOTHING!

Do you want YOUR hairstylist to dye your hair green if you asked for a honey blonde? Do you want YOUR hairstylist to shave you bald when you asked for a boycut?

MISCOMMUNICATION MY ARSE. When you're in the service industry I believe that communication is a VITAL part of it. And also, CUSTOMER SATISFACTION.

If I don't like my hair, I don't. OK? If you like it, by all means, go ahead and cut it like this. For me, however, the task of saving my fringe for MONTHS to cut nice long bangs was all WASTED in that one single, dreadful SNIP.

I can grow it back? HA! Of course I can. But I have to tolerate looking like some horse-faced tranny/lala for MONTHS before I get it back. You're not in my position so don't tell me to stop complaining.

The problem is, I asked for something I wanted so much and the hairstylist decided to give me something that I HATE so much, so I'm allowed to rage a bit, aren't I?

Oh. Yeah. I'm pretty much fucking pissed off at some FRIENDS who only talk to you when they want something from you. Go. And. Burn.

I'm not shutting myself away from the world. It's shutting me out, because I'm such a pathetic, difficult-to-please bitch who can't tolerate much stupidity.

Well, I don't know what people have been saying about me, but I would CERTAINLY appreciate it if you would talk to me about it first before deciding to treat me the way you do.

And to those who STILL insist on looking down on me for attending RMIT instead of Melbourne U or whatever fucking pro uni you want, fuck off. Ok? Get your fucking facts straight. RMIT may not be the best uni in Australia but it's still pretty fucking damn good in the only industry it DOES excel in, ok?

We designed the fucking iPod okay? How many of you own a bloody iPod? Lots of you teenies, I'd wager. So you're holding a very successful product from the alumni of RMIT, ok?

Well, I have nothing to say if you're a business or engineering student of RMIT. Those two fields are Melbourne Uni's territory and if you're doing that in RMIT it just screams 'MELB U REJECT,' sorry to say.

But whoever heard of MELBOURNE UNI DESIGNERS? It's NOT their field of expertise, ok? Maybe their architectural degree has very high standards, but it's the NAME that's important ok?

Doctor from Melbourne U? Whoa, excellent.

Designer from RMIT? Nice!

Reverse those and see how shitty it sounds.

And I could have easily gone into Melb U to study some other lowly profession just be a MELBOURNE UNI GRADUATE. But I'd rather graduate from the field I like, even though it's from a 'shabbier' university. I got a 87.75 TER while I was SLACKING and CUTTING CLASS the whole year at college, so I'll let you imagine how much better I could have done if I just put in a bit of effort.

And I didn't push myself in college year because IT and commerce are YAWNs to me. All I needed was my Year12 English qualification and off to the course of my dreams! And I DID make it into the course I wanted, 11 points above the average needed to get confirmed entry.

Why am I even trying to justify my choice of uni to you? If you don't agree, your mind is probably already so small and too rigid to be talked out of your OPINION. Yea, I'm wise on that 'its MY opinion so shut the hell up' thing you're selling.

Bah. Patronizing imbeciles.

Oh yeah, I'm also pretty bummed about the fact that Sam and I just spent our first Valentine's and anniversary together apart. Should there be a comma there? I don't care -_-

There goes my dreams of flowers showing up magically in the morning with my prince charming taking me out for a romantic stroll in a park (since KL is landlocked) and feeding me chocolate-dipped strawberries and all that romantic shit.

Oh well. I guess webcamming and phone calls will have to suffice, like it did for the majority of last year.

Sigh.

I wish I could be the type of girl who doesn't give a shit about girly things and thinks playing football with her boyfriend is the best date ever. But NOOOO. Aren't all girls suckers for romantic shit like love letters and hideously overpriced roses?

Bah! I had to look at my sister's and mom's ENORMOUS bouquets on the table for almost a week and I've had to tell myself: HELL YEAH I GOT A FUCKING AWESOME MOUSE! WHO CARES ABOUT SISSY ROSES?

BUT I WANT FLOWERS TOO! T__T I'M JEALOUS! I don't even like the smell of roses! But wouldn't it be great to say MY BOY GAVE ME ROSES HOW SWEET!

I'm sorry baby. I'M SO SO SORRY! T__T I love my mouse to bits and it's the awesomest thing ever and I shouldn't even DREAM about asking you for flowers. But but but...maybe when you next visit me you could pluck some of mom's flowers for the garden so I can swoon and thread them in my hair or something.

SHIT I'm such a spoilt girlfriend. Fuckfuckfuck. I'm sorry. -_- And I was kidding about the threading flowers in my hair part. It'll just get tangled and smelly.

:( Anyway to make it up to you, I've bought you an awesome possum present that I'm SURE YOU WILL LOVE! Maybe I should strip naked and dance around to make it even better.

(Har. Har. I'm kidding...I can't dance.)

I'm going back to Australia. Gotta meet new people. Gotta tahan the stupid hot and cold weather. Gotta leave the brightest part of my life behind. I DON'T WANNA LEAVE YOU!

T__T

I don't wanna do any schoolwork. I don't wanna wake up early for class. I don't wanna be aloooooooone.

HAIZ.

Okay I go play CS with gaykay now since I haven't seen him for so long.

Bai.

Home

I'm back from Miri. The trip went by all too fast. There were good parts and bad parts, but on the whole, I enjoyed it immensely. I can't wait for our next trip together. :)

Just when I thought I found out what love is, my whole understanding of the matter is revoked.

I guess I'm still young and naive. But at least I'm learning.

I thought love meant being willing to do everything for someone, unconditionally and without complaint. Maybe it meant living together peacefully without arguments.

But I don't know. If you asked me a couple of months ago, while our relationship was still in the honeymoon phase, I'd say I'd do anything to be with him.

I'd even consent to marrying him (albeit many years later.)

But now, if you asked me the same question, I cannot answer. I mean I would love to settle down with him and perhaps spend the rest of our years together. However, if you asked me whether I would give up my education or my family or my home for him, I would definitely hesitate.

Would I give up my chances of dating other boys while I was young? Would I cease all reckless activities to appease him? Would I accept that I would be with him and only him until the end?

Answering yes to those questions would be lying. And I don't like to lie.

It seems ridiculous to think of settling down at such a young age. But we will have to think about it sooner or later, so what's wrong with wondering about it now?

How do you know when the person is the one? I know I sound like a shitty low-budget rom-com but I do think about it.

I always said I'd never consider dating anyone unless I'm serious about the person. But when things get too serious too soon, I'll never get to know all the other people that I've passed over.

I don't want to date another guy. But I hate the idea that I'll never be able to.

What if I had chosen to leave Malaysia without giving Sam a go? Would I still have been single, or would I have found someone else?

I don't want someone else, but the 'could have' of the whole situation is bothering me.

What if I had dated someone else, and Sam had become my 'could have'? Would I have never known him? Would I have chosen to stay with the first boy that I love so much, if I knew that there's someone I could love more?

I feel selfish. I suppose I am selfish.

But would it be traitorous if I said I'd want to date other people before I settled down?

If it was meant to be, we'd get back together right?

I don't even know why I'm thinking about this when there is no other guy I would even consider dating now. Maybe I overanalyse. I know people have said that I think too much for my own good. But that's the way I am and if I were to stop and be an airhead like they wanted me to be, I'd be an entirely different person altogether.

I'm jeopardizing my perfect relationship with a perfect guy for a whole bunch of 'what if's and 'could have been's in my head.

I'm an idiot.

But I guess I'm just scared of commitment. I can't lay down plans for the future without knowing there are alternative routes I can take.

I'm afraid of not having a choice.

I feel that I'm not good enough...I'm not putting enough heart into making this relationship work. He says he is willing to wait for me if I ever wish to wade into the dating pool and experience other things.

But I feel that this is a selfish thing for me to do, using him as a fallback option while I go out and have the 'time of my life'. I could never ask him to wait for me forever. I'd rather he find some other girl that could truly make him happy than ask him to wait for me just so that I'd be happy.

I'd rather lose him to another than see him suffer.

I can't set my thoughts straight.

I need him but I expect him to be at my beck and call. I don't want to leave him but I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life not knowing what could have been. I don't want to stay with him just because I'm afraid no one else will want me.

I'm an emotional, insecure, jealous and traitorous wreck. But I do know one thing: Whatever love means, I know I love him.

I will never leave him. I've decided that I'd rather go a lifetime without knowing the other paths I could have taken than seeing him hurt again.

No I don't need a break.

I just need you.

My ranting may confuse you, but it helps me sort my emotions out. Emotional diarrhea.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

Please let's start over again?