Falllinnngggg

I've been behaving uncharacteristically unattractively lately.

There's probably 12983719783 different problems with that sentence, but that kind of sums up my feelings at the moment.

I've been isolating myself from any sort of friendly activity lately and for some reason, I have a strong urge to do nothing but wallow in self-pity recently.

Which is absolutely pathetic. I'm not in the least pitiful. Watching others struggle with their studies, financial and relationship problems, I feel like I've been blessed to have practically NO problems in my life except my own attitude.

I find myself unable to relate to others when I hear about their monetary struggles and difficulty with studying. Maybe it's because it's been over and done with so long ago, but SPM suddenly seems like a piece of cake to me. History? Difficult? PAH! I revised for history for 3 days straight and got an A1 after failing numerous times throughout the 5 years of high school.

And then I feel like such a shit cause I doubt it was really that easy for me.

I feel like I'm being ungrateful cause here I am, born into a happy, loving family with hardly any trouble whatsoever with anything.

Studies? Bahhh, barely studied but still did fine.

Money? Was under a tight budget at one point when dad was sick again, but otherwise pretty well-off compared to others.

Love? The love of my life pretty much landed in my lap from above with barely any complications (compared to some stories of heartbreak.)

I loved him, he loved me. We met, we hit it off and here we are. No doubts, no jealousy, no emotional baggage. Relationship jackpot? Yes!

Yet, I find myself being a cranky bitch while talking to him lately. I don't know what's up with me, but I just lost my verbal tuner. My conversations seemed tuned in to an abrasive frequency; whatever I've said to people these past few days I regret almost immediately.

Could it be that I have no regard towards the feelings of others? Maybe. But if I really didn't care, why do I feel guilty now?

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I can't bring myself to talk to any of the few friends that I have. I say few because I believe most of the people I know are merely acquaintances who know almost nothing about me and my personality.

And I can't bring myself to act normal in front of them because they might be unable to accept me - sans niceties.

I find myself sugar-coating the things I say these past few years. Only these few days have I truly spoken my mind, and it seems to face solid rejection all round.

I'm sorry, but I'm not the nice girl you thought I was. I'm human, I get jealous, I get irritated, I get selfish, I am occasionally a sore loser.

Only lately, I've started feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to suppress the negativity within me, like I've been doing for so long.

When I control my behaviour and be nice and considerate and tactful, I feel vaguely suffocated. However, when I don't, I feel like I've lost to the bitch within.

It's one thing to be a person who stands by her principles, and another to go out of your way to persecute others with different beliefs.

I used to hate this kind of people, but I'm becoming one myself, actually. :/

I want to be myself, yet I want to be a good person. But is anyone ever born completely good?

I guess I have to learn that retaliating bitter words with more bitterness is futile. I should not have to stoop to another's level to get my point across. Ignoring taunts is not a sign of weakness, but strength, showing that you have control over your own emotions and reactions.

I win when I feel like I've won. And I'm feeling like a bloody sore loser right now.

I sincerely apologize for all the bitter words and spitefulness I have shown lately. I regret all the bitchy posts, but I won't take them down just yet.

There must be a reminder of how low I can sink, and when it's time to stop being childish and vengeful.

I'm 19, I'll be an adult in 2 years. I don't want to grow up, but I have to.

We all have to. (: It may not be time for others yet, so I'll leave them to their malice and spite. But it's time for me to leave that behind and just learn to be self-sufficient and not react to others.

:)

I hope I can do it.

Bitch rant

Just cause I need to get it out of my system.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Garena CS room is so full of idiots and assholes that I...ARGH!

*rendered speechless for a moment*

Types of people I met today:

1. Curses at you for no reason and talks about sex with your sister/mother/any female relation randomly.


Example:

2. Insults people 'listed' from other countries but no doubt are Malaysian or Singaporean. The best part is that they insult their english with even worse english which is so embarassing I don't know what to do.

Example:

By the way, it's Uzbekistan, asshole. No wonder you can't pronounce it right.

3. English-educated people who think they are fucking superior just because they can speak english better than the ahbengs. AND they must use perfect capitalization and punctuation to show off their linguistic prowess. I say fuck you nerd, this is garena, not a bloody english exam. I bet I could spell better than you, only I don't feel the need to shove my superiority down everyone else's throats by correcting every single typo or grammatical error they make.

Example:

Yea, the perpetrator of crime #2 and #3 are the same person. And just last night, this person forcefully inserted himself into a conversation between me and a couple of friends. (And yes, it is the same person using a different id. His douchebag aura cannot be mistaken.)

We were planning a gathering of CS kakis at ftz at the end of the year, which was what I was telling tubbie about. Tubbie and Dev (Xue) were complaining that subang was too far. I said that it was to make it more convenient for the klang kaki to come (ie Helyna) as most of us can drive/have transport and she doesn't.

And this random fella comes and invites himself along. Wowza. I didn't even know we were friends! Damn thick skin wei. -__-

Anyway, because I'm being extra nice today, let me show you a picture of this wonderful guy. It's a profile picture so I guess it's meant to be shown to the public anyway :/

Yay! A statement shirt and the finger! What a cool person you are!

And since you nitpick on everyone's spelling, grammar and punctuation, let me pick yours to bits!

Regular people don't spend half their night trying to assimilate into a foreign crowd, nor the better part of the day scolding people whose english is not 'on par' with yours. Or scolding strangers when it's none of your business. NERD.

And before you scold people sohai for requesting help with 'walking with ducks,' learn to differentiate between 'pose' and 'post,' and spaces come AFTER punctuation, not before.

Suck it la, nerd. Oh wait, let's not insult the nerds. Suck it la, ASSHOLE.

It is true that I laugh at ah bengs when they butcher english, but I certainly don't insult them (sohai, retard) unless they lansi or are trying to argue with their broken english.

This dude cursed at a stranger who was asking for help nicely. -__- His sense of superiority is ridiculous.

And guess what? If he reads this, he'd be spending all night picking out my grammatical and spelling errors while telling me that 'it's facebook after all, why should I be so uptight with my english?'

Bah. I guess it's more important to show your kehebatan at english at GARENA then, huh?


And yea, he should feel pretty flattered I took a chunk out of my time to rant all about him. He's just so annoying I had to do it.

Babies

Just a random thought. I remember browsing through the internet and stumbling upon numerous webpages where you can mix faces together to create a new face.

In effect, you can mix your face with another guy/girl's to see how your baby would look like.

They used some 'averaging' technology or what shit to merge the two faces together and produce your 'offspring.' Apparently research also says that the more different the two parent faces are, the more beautiful the child will be. Nothing to do with how good the parents look at all. o_O

Well I don't really understand it but it got me thinking to how MY kids would look like.

HA!

If we 'averaged' down me and my boy's features we would get a child that has:

-Big eyes

-Sharp nose

-Medium-sized upturned lips which may or may not be full (mine are super thin and tiny while his are full and wide)

-A heart-shaped face

-Crooked teeth (damn bad genes on both sides T__T hello braces)

-Relatively straight eyebrows

-Thick, black hair with 2.5 whorls on his/her scalp

-Height of ~5 foot 7.5 inches

-Weight of ~48kg

-Big hands

-Average sized feet

-Broad shoulders

-Small boobs (oh dear lord, kesian if it's a girl)

-Flat tummy

-Medium-long legs

and not to mention..

-SERIOUS gaming tendencies

Haha! Of course I'm not thinking about having kids yet. Don't be silly. But it is always fun to think about how your future child would be. I think I want a girl.

We're gonna train her to be this kick-ass gamer that'll win so much money off tournaments that she doesn't ever have to have a 'real' 9-5 job.

Of course, she's gotta be smart and independant with a kind heart too. :D

Also, I'm gonna groom her to be this super hot supermodel with everyone drooling after her, but with enough integrity to not abuse the power of her beauty.

AND she's gonna be so smart that she's gonna ace it throughout her whole school life (not getting a real job does not mean not getting a real education) without studying.

And she'll be nice and filial to her parents and loyal to her friends (none of which are bad influences, she's smarter than to fall in with a bad crowd.)

Okay. I'm sorry I'm making my unconceived child feel so pressured to be perfect. I bet we won't be perfect parents too. :)

But we can always dream la. And who knows? 30 years later, I may be dealing with an uncontrollable, rebellious, bimbotic and stupid child and I'll be tearing my hair out everyday.

Then I'll look back on this post and snort at myself. PAH! Wishful thinking!

I fear I'm never going to be as good a parent as my parents were. I may not have been the perfect child that they wanted, but I guess I'm doing pretty alright so far. (I think?)

After all, I'm doing well in my studies, I've outgrown the talking back phase that I was stuck in during my preteens, I can hardly bring myself to lie to people I care about, I don't spend money like water (although I DO like to shop, I have only overused my allowance ONCE, and I cut that out from next month's budget anyway)

I don't do drugs, I don't club often, I don't smoke, I'm not a drunkard, I don't gamble.

I don't torture kids or animals. I don't vandalize. I don't hit people.

My main vices are gaming for long hours and not eating/sleeping at the proper times. Other crappy things about me would probably be:

1. Temper (If you've been on the receiving end, you'll know. And if you don't, it's better that way)

2. Swearing (but much much much less now compared to last time :D)

3. Slacking (I coulda been first female Msian prime minister already if only I really TRIED)

4. Procrastinating (19-year-old without a driving license HAHA)

5. Tendency of being 10 minutes late wherever I go (I can wake up 30 minutes early for class and still be 10 minutes late, although it's only a 10-minute walk away from home -.-)

6. Clouded judgement (when I'm angry or upset, I simply CANNOT see things from other people's perspective until I've calmed down somewhat)

7. Irresponsible (when it comes to certain things. But still okay I guess D:)

8. Inept at socializing. There have been many occasions where I've passed up a chance to be around others and meet new people but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't like strangers :(

9. Too critical of others. Honestly, there are VERY few people that I really, truly, completely like. Somehow I find myself picking out people's flaws and I get bothered by them.

Some pet peeves:

- People who are CONSISTENTLY more than 30 minutes and DON'T apologize when they show up

- People who ffk (no-show) and don't bother giving an explanation

- People who are careless about money. Tau you very rich la, but you don't have to throw around money unnecessarily in front of us.

- People who buy branded stuff just cause it's branded (even though it's ugly and has shitty quality)

- People who buy expensive things without doing research/price comparisons

- People who ask you questions ALL THE TIME because they are too lazy to look up the answers themselves

- People who smoke and try to justify their habit with 'stress.' You're the only person who is stressed is it? Nvm la, I'm sure killing yourself faster will alleviate your stress.

- People who come to you to whine and complain and rant but who are never there/inattentive when YOU need to unload

I know I should be the last person to nitpick since I'm no perfect soul myself, but I guess this is just one of my many flaws. Hell, maybe I'm someone's number 1 pet peeve right now!

:/

Maybe that's why I don't make friends easily, much less bother to keep in touch with them. That alone may make me seem like a horrible, cranky, fussy and snobbish person, but hey, you're entitled to dislike me as much as I dislike you.

But one type of friend I will always love and appreciate - those that treat me well because they care for me and not because it is 'appropriate' or socially acceptable to do so. I will always try to be as good a friend to you as you are to me :) I may fail, but I try.

Man, I sound like an asshole.

How did talking about babies come to this? I guess I'm unfit to be a parent as of yet :P