Sajaaaaaa

This is for Helyna for no reason :D

Keep on rawring! ;D

*croak*

So, I've missed 3 Principles & Elements classes in a row since Sem2 started. That's 3 more than I missed in Sem1.

o_O

For once, I am damn worried of getting left behind in my work. =_= Especially since this subject has a shitload of work and the teacher is really fussy about the quality of work (and she has the right to be.)

I still haven't really gotten my voice back properly yet. I can speak but it's really soft and sandpapery. Like a frog. Maybe a cute frog.

Anyway I was supposed to go and see the doctor this morning to get a diagnosis and medical cert, but I couldn't get my lazy ass out of bed. I was feeling better the previous night already so I couldn't really be bothered.

But when I woke up at 5 pm (WTF) I found that the right side of my neck was swollen although the initial swelling on the left had reduced in size.

So now I have 2 swollen lymph nodes, swollen tonsils, had a slight fever, fatigue and chills.

If I self-diagnose using the internet, it points to strep throat/glandular fever. Both of which are mild but highly contagious. But self-diagnoses suck anyway.

All I know is that I had a mild cry in English class yesterday and it was godawfully embarassing. =_= I was just feeling so horrible and down and homesick and I missed my boyfriend like crazy and you know, that feeling in general when you're away from home and falling sick.

Blablabla. Throw in PMS and you get this emotional blob of jelly.

My lecturer said I looked downright miserable and asked what I was doing there. And the best part was I couldn't even TALK! I just croaked miserably and leaked a few tears and she left me alone.

What a horrible mess. -_-

Anyway I feel much better now though I still feel like taking the next plane home.

I still haven't gotten back my 'Melbourne mood.' Meaning I have no mood to learn, do work or even SHOP here.

All I want to do is chat with my friends and play DotA/CS.

Peh.

Got my Sem1 results online yesterday and I'm feeling pretty so-so.

Production Skills: 73 D

Principles & Elements: 74 D

Design Communication: 76 D

New Media: 81 HD

English: 88 HD

D = Distinction

HD = High Distinction

Average of 4 highest subjects = 79.75 (WTF SO CLOSE o0o0o) which is pretty good considering I only need an average of 70 to get into my course next year.

But I would have liked a HD average nonetheless.

Thank god for English pulling up my grades wei. I'm not really happy with a 70+ average but I guess I'm not good enough yet T_____T

Whatever la. I still wanna DotA.

I still say Aussie players mostly suck ass at DotA. (If you are or know one of the few who are pro, I'm not talking about you.)

Everytime I play with Jimmy and his horrible friends I tend to throw a total bitch fit cause they are noob AND have a lansi attitude to go with it. Good god. o_o

Cheers for Eve. Since I've started playing with her, I've began to favour S'pore rooms over Msian rooms.

Msians are full of hacks wei. Asshole losers.

S'pore Room 5 ftw! (Wish I had gm to go in though -_-)

CS also sama-sama la. People are full of wallhacks and aimbots and recoil control. Go die la freaks. When are you going to learn to play without relying on software?

Bleh.

Tunggulah. When I come back to relatively lagless Msia I'ma kill you all until your deaths!

(Line stolen from somewhere.)

Anyway. Ah boy got hired by my mommy. WAHAHAHA.

Isn't it awkward to work for your gf's mom?

He's afraid that he'll lose brownie points if he can't sell her products.

His first gig's this weekend at Bangsar Shopping Center. :x

If you're interested in handmade jewellery - no plastic! - visit my mom's site.

After that he's gonna work a booth at Pavilion :X

A guy selling jewellery? HOHO don't go and pikat girls ah babe! *growl*

Ehhh dinner. Byebye.

Happysteph

:D

Just had the best two weeks of my life ^___^

I guess you'll never know if you're a pro- or anti-PDA couple until, well, it happens. And yessss, some of my friends, family and several unlucky members of the public were witnesses to Sam's and my shamelessness.

Hwahwahwa. I saw him for 15/16 days that I was back in Msia. The one day was mommy-daughter bonding day when we went to get our hair cut. o_O

Thanks to all my kawans and family who made my 2 weeks a very fun and special holiday. :D Thanks for all the people who showed up for my belated 18th birthday party; whether you brought presents or not was irrelevant, your presence means so much to me.

See, I've became sappy lala chick.

But funny thing is I don't give a damn.

I was squirming around spread-eagle on the Sunway Pyramid ice skating rink attempting to make ice-and-water angels and all I felt was glee and happiness.

So much that people didn't even feel sorry or embarassed for my wipeout. They were laughing - and laughing WITH me, not AT me cause I was guffawing unabashedly the whole day. o_O

Hehehehhahaha. Not to mention I was wearing super-lala over-the-knee socks that I bought on a whim while shopping with Amanda. It was intended to be sleep socks for winter but mom saw it and made me wear it to go ice skating.

Needless to say, even the lalas were staring at me cause I definitely out-lala-ed them, if that makes any sense. XD

Funny thing is I can look like a total bimbolala now and it doesn't bother me at all. People can say and think what they want about me, but I know Sam would love me even if I were wearing granny undies so I don't give a shit anyway. :D

And mom and some kawans are so happy that I'm finally becoming more feminine - tying my hair, wearing skirts and short shorts. Shopping for 4 inch heels and earrings etc.

Some people scoff and say I'm doing this all for my boyfriend. Oh noooo I'm not doing it FOR him. I'm doing it BECAUSE of him.

Confused?

Simply put, I used to refuse to dress myself up nicely to impress a guy. I want that person to know and love me for who I am.

After going out with Sam on numerous occassions in my pajama tee and 3-day-old greasy hair and pimples, I can now dress up and take care of my appearance without fear of judgment.

:o Makes sense?

Maybe not, but I am finally secure with myself. Yi Ling can roll her eyeballs and brand me a lala now, but the fact is that I know what I'm capable of and most importantly, you don't have to look gorgeous to be attractive.

And for that, thank you dear boyfriend. :D

Since I was young, I never believed in dressing up to impress people (unless they're your boss.) If a guy never noticed you before, but notices you after a facial, haircut, makeup, wardrobe makeover and numerous personality tweaks, would you be happy with yourself?

I don't know about you, but I would feel horrible that people can't accept me for who I am, and only deign to take notice of me when I conform to the stereotype they like.

Nom. I can wear miniskirts and tube tops and don't give a fuck to all the naysayers out there. Don't like my collarbones? Don't look at them. My boobs not big enough for you? Grow some of your own and squeeze them la. Not my problem right?

Bwahaha. I am now in a happy place mentally, although I feel a bit emo now that I'm back in Melbourne and my Sammy is 7000 kms apart once again.

Leaving him physically is like going back to where we started from - chatting and webcamming online. I find something comforting in that, though I wish I could hold his hand and sit next to him all the time. :)

But it helps.

I love glowing. :D Strangers flirt with me in public and I find that a whole new experience that is very flattering. However, I find old men and uncles very creepy when they're eyeballing me.

You could say I'm age-ist. :)

There was this old man sitting opposite me and my boyfriend on the way home one night and he was just staring and staring so I looked away. Later Sam told me that they had some silent male altercation that I didn't notice.

Hamsup old man was staring at my bare legs, so Sam reached his hand down and caught his wandering eye and snapped for attention. They glared at each other...and the old man FLEXED HIS BICEPS.

LOLOLOLOL. SKIN AND BONE!

*flex flex*

Wah I damn scared omg O_O

Abuthen Sam is also a skinny bitch so if it came down to a fight I guess it's up to me to kick the old man in the testicular region. :)

Tomorrow is the second day of my second semester in uni. I have to wake up early to go to Vicmart to buy a dragonfruit. :/

And I'm still slightly groggy from the flight - couldn't sleep solidly.

So good night. :D

I Give Up

I am so sick of this. Now I finally remember why I wanted to run away to Australia and never come back. I hate the fact that even when I’m trying to be a good daughter, my mom still doesn’t trust me.

So what if he fell asleep on my bed? Does that mean that his only intention is to fuck the living daylights out of your daughter? Couldn’t it have been, oh, I don’t know, that he was just tired and FELL ASLEEP RIGHT THERE?

For one thing, I am an adult and I know I am responsible for all my actions. And on my 18^th birthday party she has to snap at me and snap at Sam to get the fuck out of my bed. What the hell la. Do you know that it is completely legal now for me to have sex with any guy I choose? Do you know that I don’t need parental consent for any of my actions anymore?

Simply said, I could choose to have sex with my boyfriend any time I liked, and yes let me have you know, I could have done it on a large number of occasions already. Believe me, I wanted it. But out of respect for my mother’s wishes – no premarital sex – I have respected her decision and decided long ago to remain a virgin until marriage.

I have been so fucking good and obedient, and the first time my exhausted boyfriend falls asleep on my bed? She has to fucking give me that fucking black face that she herself hates so much and ask me what the fuck he was doing there.

Thanks so much, mom. I know you tried to give me a day to remember and to enjoy and you certainly did – until the point where you showed that you don’t trust me one fucking bit.

You always tell everyone how I’m so sensible and responsible, and yet you don’t believe a word of it. You don’t even trust me to handle my hormones.

I’ve really done everything I can. I put all my heart into my work, because I know it makes her happy. I take care of myself and I don’t ask for money – I would rather starve than accept more than my allocated allowance of 250 dollars per month. I do the housework when she asks. I report to her when she wants me to. I bring her chocolates when I come home.

And yet she still scolds me when I am innocent. Giving me that sour face and tone when I didn’t fucking do anything at all.

I was with her for the past hour or so chatting with our guests until they left. We cleaned up and headed upstairs to open my presents and I told her to speak softly because Sam had fallen asleep upstairs and she goes off on a fucking tangent. IT’S NOT RIGHT I FORBID YOU BLABLABLAFUCKINGBLA. And she had to do it in front of him too.

If she told me nicely, I would have said that’s okay, I can always go and sleep in the next room, no harm done. But she had to fucking SCOLD me for something I didn’t even do. What the fuck wei? Like you caught me fucking him in the bedroom is it?

And let me have you all know, whatever I do is my business. I know I am a daughter and I owe it to my mom to fulfill my duties as a child, but I am also my own person and I deserve privacy and respect for my personal life.

If you don’t believe in premarital sex, fine. You don’t have to impose that belief on me. As my close friends very well know, I never planned to be a virgin bride. I don’t see anything wrong in having sex with someone you love – having sex before marriage does not automatically make you a slut or a whore. It doesn’t mean I run around fucking every guy that’s willing. And I think any guy would be willing to have sex.

But because she is my mother, I chose to respect her belief and remain ‘pure’ until marriage. Which is utter fucking bullshit, I think. They probably had the concept of virgin brides because they had no proper contraception back then when men were the breadwinners of the family and women couldn’t afford to raise a child out of wedlock, should the man who impregnated her choose to abandon her.

Well, anyway thanks so much, mom, for trying to make my day special. All the material effort and yes, some honest-to-good tender loving care did not go unappreciated. I just feel so fucking hurt that my mother does not even trust me that I’m crying on my bed now while my boyfriend is sleeping next door.

Everyone said tonight that I finally look so happy and smiling – I’m glowing. Well you should know that Sam is the primary source of my glow and I don’t think anyone really knows how happy he has made me these past few months. Yes, we have discussed sex and he thoroughly respects my decision.

I’m glowing because these past few months I have been free. Free from the choking education system of Malaysia. Free from the ridiculous, biased, discriminating, irresponsible government. Free from all the little ways mom has unknowingly made me feel so small all these years. I don’t think she knows how many times I’ve cried at night knowing I’ll never be good enough for her. It just hurts so badly I can’t even put it in words.

I realize the past few years I have been a spoilt, lazy brat who refused to think of anyone but myself. That was when I decided to change and put my heart into my work, swallow any anger I have when she says something hurtful, and do whatever she wants me to so that she can finally be happy to have another good daughter.

It feels like nothing has changed.

I’m glowing when I’m 7000km away from home. The moment I reach home, my light is put out and my happy world comes crashing down around my feet. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Am I really untrustworthy?

I don’t care what she says now. I’m going next door because I need some hugs. I need someone to make me feel safe and secure because the way I feel now when I’m with my mom is akin to treading on a minefield. One wrong step and she explodes.

How could I ever feel safe?

Maybe I am really a useless daughter. I can’t do anything about that now

I need my hugs.

Hello people

By people I mean my known readers and those silent readers who somehow wandered here by accident/hunted it down like crazy (though the former is more probable.)

Hello.

I know you're there so don't deny it. :/

I don't know how you got here, but if you're my friend and I've said something horrible and criminal that a friend should never say, I'm sorry.

:)

My blog is my diary, it records random events, rants, feelings, musings and (sometimes biased) opinions.

What I say is a reflection of my current mood and emotions, and I rarely hold back on a rant so if you find me cursing you out, I just needed to let go of some steam. I don't hate you, please don't hate me?

I find that sometimes keeping my feelings to myself and exploding privately in words on my blog will hurt less feelings than screaming at a person in the midst of a temper.

I know that talking behind one's back is bound to evoke some bad karma, but I never did make this blog to publicize your shortcomings or mine.

It's simply to express my feelings, not criticize you behind your back.

But yeah. I'm truly sorry for any hurt feelings I have caused, but please try to understand that I'm not one to hold my feelings inside forever - they have to come out SOMEWHERE.

Better on my blog, lost in cyberspace than to other people.

I'd stopped promoting my blog ages ago, and taken a few breaks from blogging to reconnect with the real world and TALK to people instead of ranting on my blog.

At one time, an average of 2 people read my blog each day. Now the total has risen to about 9. :o Besides my sister and boyfriend, I don't know who still reads my blog consistently, so I KNOW you invisible stalkers are out there.

Grr.

And don't think 9 is a small number either; people who read will normally read perhaps every 4-5 days, so multiply that number by 4.5 and that's a hell lot of people. For a blog that's intended to be semi-private anyway.

Anyway, I didn't start blogging to gain popularity and fame, nor to make sure that everyone else knows what's going on in my daily life.

My blog is more of a place to rant and talk crap if I so wished. I don't need people to approve and say omg your blog is soooooo funny/entertaining/cool, or to be invited to blogger events where you mingle around with other 'bloggers.'

Self-satisfaction is my purpose. :D

If you've been a reader since I started blogging at 14, you'd see how much I've grown as an individual, and I am glad for these chronicles of my life, for they show me that I AM growing, and not just...stagnant. A lump of rubbish left to mould.

I find people who blog for the sake of blogging very wu liao. :/

You know the type - those who make an effort to go the every public event in the local vicinity, snap 218731 photos and give reviews of the event...

It would be interesting if 2342352 other people hadn't just written about the same damn thing and taken the same freaking photoshopped pictures with PRO cameras.

o_O I can't taste the individuality - it's like these bloggers eating and regurgitating the same food that everyone else is and call it special cause it has their spit on them.

D:

Blogs are quickly dying.

I love reading about people's opinions, anecdotes about their lives and seeing candid, non-photoshopped and watermarked photos that allow me glimpses into their lives.

Not this commercial click-me-and-help-me-advertise-my-blog-please crap.

Also, I find it ridiculous to think that some people read blogs just so they can find ways to criticize and put that person down. :/ If you don't like the person, then don't read. Simple as apple piieeeeee.

I find that blogging is quickly losing its meaning.

And that is why I mourn the loss of another honest blogger.

TAN SUI YI DON'T STOP BLOGGING LAAAA.

:(((

Write blogs not to impose beliefs.

Write blogs not to tell the world you've been to so-and-so event and wore so-and-so and met so-and-so famous celebrity blogger etc.

Write blogs not to sell yourself.

In this way, I prefer lala, today-I-ate-a-hamburger-for-lunch type of bimbo blogs as compared to the new wave of commercial blogs.

I want to read about YOU.

Blog for yourself, not for others. :)

It's an expression of self, not essays written to please people.

Keep blogging alive people!

Love from Snarkie. xoxoxoxoxo