Falllinnngggg

I've been behaving uncharacteristically unattractively lately.

There's probably 12983719783 different problems with that sentence, but that kind of sums up my feelings at the moment.

I've been isolating myself from any sort of friendly activity lately and for some reason, I have a strong urge to do nothing but wallow in self-pity recently.

Which is absolutely pathetic. I'm not in the least pitiful. Watching others struggle with their studies, financial and relationship problems, I feel like I've been blessed to have practically NO problems in my life except my own attitude.

I find myself unable to relate to others when I hear about their monetary struggles and difficulty with studying. Maybe it's because it's been over and done with so long ago, but SPM suddenly seems like a piece of cake to me. History? Difficult? PAH! I revised for history for 3 days straight and got an A1 after failing numerous times throughout the 5 years of high school.

And then I feel like such a shit cause I doubt it was really that easy for me.

I feel like I'm being ungrateful cause here I am, born into a happy, loving family with hardly any trouble whatsoever with anything.

Studies? Bahhh, barely studied but still did fine.

Money? Was under a tight budget at one point when dad was sick again, but otherwise pretty well-off compared to others.

Love? The love of my life pretty much landed in my lap from above with barely any complications (compared to some stories of heartbreak.)

I loved him, he loved me. We met, we hit it off and here we are. No doubts, no jealousy, no emotional baggage. Relationship jackpot? Yes!

Yet, I find myself being a cranky bitch while talking to him lately. I don't know what's up with me, but I just lost my verbal tuner. My conversations seemed tuned in to an abrasive frequency; whatever I've said to people these past few days I regret almost immediately.

Could it be that I have no regard towards the feelings of others? Maybe. But if I really didn't care, why do I feel guilty now?

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I can't bring myself to talk to any of the few friends that I have. I say few because I believe most of the people I know are merely acquaintances who know almost nothing about me and my personality.

And I can't bring myself to act normal in front of them because they might be unable to accept me - sans niceties.

I find myself sugar-coating the things I say these past few years. Only these few days have I truly spoken my mind, and it seems to face solid rejection all round.

I'm sorry, but I'm not the nice girl you thought I was. I'm human, I get jealous, I get irritated, I get selfish, I am occasionally a sore loser.

Only lately, I've started feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to suppress the negativity within me, like I've been doing for so long.

When I control my behaviour and be nice and considerate and tactful, I feel vaguely suffocated. However, when I don't, I feel like I've lost to the bitch within.

It's one thing to be a person who stands by her principles, and another to go out of your way to persecute others with different beliefs.

I used to hate this kind of people, but I'm becoming one myself, actually. :/

I want to be myself, yet I want to be a good person. But is anyone ever born completely good?

I guess I have to learn that retaliating bitter words with more bitterness is futile. I should not have to stoop to another's level to get my point across. Ignoring taunts is not a sign of weakness, but strength, showing that you have control over your own emotions and reactions.

I win when I feel like I've won. And I'm feeling like a bloody sore loser right now.

I sincerely apologize for all the bitter words and spitefulness I have shown lately. I regret all the bitchy posts, but I won't take them down just yet.

There must be a reminder of how low I can sink, and when it's time to stop being childish and vengeful.

I'm 19, I'll be an adult in 2 years. I don't want to grow up, but I have to.

We all have to. (: It may not be time for others yet, so I'll leave them to their malice and spite. But it's time for me to leave that behind and just learn to be self-sufficient and not react to others.

:)

I hope I can do it.

Babies

Just a random thought. I remember browsing through the internet and stumbling upon numerous webpages where you can mix faces together to create a new face.

In effect, you can mix your face with another guy/girl's to see how your baby would look like.

They used some 'averaging' technology or what shit to merge the two faces together and produce your 'offspring.' Apparently research also says that the more different the two parent faces are, the more beautiful the child will be. Nothing to do with how good the parents look at all. o_O

Well I don't really understand it but it got me thinking to how MY kids would look like.

HA!

If we 'averaged' down me and my boy's features we would get a child that has:

-Big eyes

-Sharp nose

-Medium-sized upturned lips which may or may not be full (mine are super thin and tiny while his are full and wide)

-A heart-shaped face

-Crooked teeth (damn bad genes on both sides T__T hello braces)

-Relatively straight eyebrows

-Thick, black hair with 2.5 whorls on his/her scalp

-Height of ~5 foot 7.5 inches

-Weight of ~48kg

-Big hands

-Average sized feet

-Broad shoulders

-Small boobs (oh dear lord, kesian if it's a girl)

-Flat tummy

-Medium-long legs

and not to mention..

-SERIOUS gaming tendencies

Haha! Of course I'm not thinking about having kids yet. Don't be silly. But it is always fun to think about how your future child would be. I think I want a girl.

We're gonna train her to be this kick-ass gamer that'll win so much money off tournaments that she doesn't ever have to have a 'real' 9-5 job.

Of course, she's gotta be smart and independant with a kind heart too. :D

Also, I'm gonna groom her to be this super hot supermodel with everyone drooling after her, but with enough integrity to not abuse the power of her beauty.

AND she's gonna be so smart that she's gonna ace it throughout her whole school life (not getting a real job does not mean not getting a real education) without studying.

And she'll be nice and filial to her parents and loyal to her friends (none of which are bad influences, she's smarter than to fall in with a bad crowd.)

Okay. I'm sorry I'm making my unconceived child feel so pressured to be perfect. I bet we won't be perfect parents too. :)

But we can always dream la. And who knows? 30 years later, I may be dealing with an uncontrollable, rebellious, bimbotic and stupid child and I'll be tearing my hair out everyday.

Then I'll look back on this post and snort at myself. PAH! Wishful thinking!

I fear I'm never going to be as good a parent as my parents were. I may not have been the perfect child that they wanted, but I guess I'm doing pretty alright so far. (I think?)

After all, I'm doing well in my studies, I've outgrown the talking back phase that I was stuck in during my preteens, I can hardly bring myself to lie to people I care about, I don't spend money like water (although I DO like to shop, I have only overused my allowance ONCE, and I cut that out from next month's budget anyway)

I don't do drugs, I don't club often, I don't smoke, I'm not a drunkard, I don't gamble.

I don't torture kids or animals. I don't vandalize. I don't hit people.

My main vices are gaming for long hours and not eating/sleeping at the proper times. Other crappy things about me would probably be:

1. Temper (If you've been on the receiving end, you'll know. And if you don't, it's better that way)

2. Swearing (but much much much less now compared to last time :D)

3. Slacking (I coulda been first female Msian prime minister already if only I really TRIED)

4. Procrastinating (19-year-old without a driving license HAHA)

5. Tendency of being 10 minutes late wherever I go (I can wake up 30 minutes early for class and still be 10 minutes late, although it's only a 10-minute walk away from home -.-)

6. Clouded judgement (when I'm angry or upset, I simply CANNOT see things from other people's perspective until I've calmed down somewhat)

7. Irresponsible (when it comes to certain things. But still okay I guess D:)

8. Inept at socializing. There have been many occasions where I've passed up a chance to be around others and meet new people but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't like strangers :(

9. Too critical of others. Honestly, there are VERY few people that I really, truly, completely like. Somehow I find myself picking out people's flaws and I get bothered by them.

Some pet peeves:

- People who are CONSISTENTLY more than 30 minutes and DON'T apologize when they show up

- People who ffk (no-show) and don't bother giving an explanation

- People who are careless about money. Tau you very rich la, but you don't have to throw around money unnecessarily in front of us.

- People who buy branded stuff just cause it's branded (even though it's ugly and has shitty quality)

- People who buy expensive things without doing research/price comparisons

- People who ask you questions ALL THE TIME because they are too lazy to look up the answers themselves

- People who smoke and try to justify their habit with 'stress.' You're the only person who is stressed is it? Nvm la, I'm sure killing yourself faster will alleviate your stress.

- People who come to you to whine and complain and rant but who are never there/inattentive when YOU need to unload

I know I should be the last person to nitpick since I'm no perfect soul myself, but I guess this is just one of my many flaws. Hell, maybe I'm someone's number 1 pet peeve right now!

:/

Maybe that's why I don't make friends easily, much less bother to keep in touch with them. That alone may make me seem like a horrible, cranky, fussy and snobbish person, but hey, you're entitled to dislike me as much as I dislike you.

But one type of friend I will always love and appreciate - those that treat me well because they care for me and not because it is 'appropriate' or socially acceptable to do so. I will always try to be as good a friend to you as you are to me :) I may fail, but I try.

Man, I sound like an asshole.

How did talking about babies come to this? I guess I'm unfit to be a parent as of yet :P

Holidays!

Finally handed in the dumb animatic.

I'm happy that I've finally gotten myself acquainted with my tablet, which has been sleeping behind my laptop for months. I'm still not very good with it yet, and I'm not very familiar with most features of Photoshop so we have to wait a while until I start painting really nice stuff.

: )

My sleeping hours are screwed up again, thanks to an extra long CS session yesterday. Went to bed after 8 am wtf. I was awake 24 hours already by then, with 2 hours sleep the night before.

Met more people who said I'm pretty, but although I beam at their comment, I still feel ugly. Figures. Childhood memories don't fade that fast.

It's funny to see how differently people treat you when you get your braces off, grow your hair out and have your skin cleared up by a professional torturer aka facialist.

It almost feels like it's cheating - paying for people to treat you nicer, right?

In essence, I'm still the same person who sits berkangkang, with unwashed hair and drools in her sleep.

Of course, I'm not complaining that people tend to treat me better now, especially guys. However, online appearances are always deceiving, and I'm afraid if any of my online friends see me in real life they will run away screaming OMG UGLYYY! D:

Well. It hasn't happened yet, but who knows? But a better question would be, why do I care?

I mean I like my face enough, although it's not perfect. I have slightly lopsided eyes, a big nose with a slight bump, thin lips, straight eyebrows, seriously crooked bone structure and messy wavy hair.

Some days I wish I had a symmetrical face, a dainty ski-slope nose, full lips, and long, straight, shiny hair but then I'd look like every other 'pretty' girl out there.

I want to be pretty, but I want to be special at the same time. What a pity most people's notion of beauty is the same - which makes you inexplicably boring to look at after the first 'wah so pretty!'

But then I want a lot of things.

I want to be pretty.

I want to be a fantastic artist.

I want to be a kick-ass gamer.

I want to be a filial daughter.

I want to be a dedicated girlfriend.

I want to be a loyal friend.

I want to be a good person.

And I want to stand out in everything I do, but sadly, I fall short of almost everything (maybe everything) and sometimes it just seems like everyone is better than you, no matter what it is that you want to do.

And my most shameful shortcoming? Giving up. I surrender at the first sign of losing.

I can't stand to see myself losing a fair fight, so I stop trying - some twisted way of deceiving myself. 'I'm not losing, I just slacking.'

When I was young, I wanted so many things.

I wanted to be respected, adored, feared. I wanted to be a vet and save lives of animals. I wanted to be a scientist, a mathematician, a rockstar.

Now I can narrow down my list to the aforementioned 7 desires.

I used to crave excellence, but wanted to seem like I wasn't really trying.

I ended up REALLY not trying. And subsequently failing. Then saying 'of course I can do better, I just can't be bothered.'

Fail fail fail.

I remember when I was in standard 1 and I had a 100% percent average. I was head of the class, and everyone knew me and everyone wanted to be on my good side.

I was an ugly kid I guess. But when you're 7, looks don't matter. I don't remember what I was like, or what quality I had that drew people to me but anyhow it's gone now!

I'm not sure exactly when the decline started...I guess when I switched schools and started over in standard 5. I was insecure, gangly, horrible at chinese with a 'yang ren' face (Westerner, not goat. Please man.)

And OH what a crime - I liked to read. Instantly labeled nerd. Yay happy happy. Coupled with the fact that I was one of the 6 PTS students from that year...oh my god. Not to mention my salad bowl and specs and buck teeth and knobbly knees.

LOL. Even typing it out makes me laugh. What a pathetic mental image right?

I guess it was then I wanted to be 'effortlessly' smart. There's a different feeling between getting good results out of hard work, and getting good results just cause you're 'smart like that.'

I guess you feel like a genius for a second there. But it got worse...when I started secondary I already felt so alienated by my peers it was just sad. And I STILL liked to read and I refuse to give it up. Why should I give it up because people think it's nerdy or snobbish?

-_- I like to read, sudahlah. Judgemental pricks.

I was at my most antisocial point in life then. I felt like everyone was judging me. From the way I looked to the way I walk and the things I say (or don't say.) I still remember that Siew Lei told me she could still remember her first impression of me - even now!

I was doing a hamtaro impression - munching jagung. Wtf? HAHA. And I still had my adorable buckteeth then, to enhance the hamster effect.

Starting secondary changed me. I was no longer an outstanding student. From being top of the year in english, maths and BM (omg I can't believe I was a BM star student in primary) I was just...average.

Part of me felt relieved that I wouldn't be singled out for my 'nerdiness' any more, but part of me felt disappointed that I was no longer one of the best.

And I slacked. Boy, did I slack. I still can't believe I could DotA throughout SPM. I see my gaming kakis quit gaming for their exams, and I couldn't do even that. I remember playing until past midnight and going to sit for a paper 7 hours later.

Results day was a painful day for me. I finally realise that the 'effortlessly' excelling thing wasn't working out for me. I remember sitting in the hall, praying (ridiculously) that I could somehow manage 9 As. And when my name wasn't called I hoped (stupidly) for 8 As.

And when my name STILL wasn't called, my heart just plummeted, and I realised omg what the fuck have I been doing?

And then I went to college and didn't qualify for the Taylor's scholarship/subsidy that required a minimum of 8As/7A1s.

I remember looking at my results - 7As/6A1s and cursing the government for letting me get A2 on Bio and costing me the grant.

Bio was a subject I aced! A1 through Form 4 and 5 and I got an A2 when I needed it the most? What the hell?

Then I realised it wasn't the government's fault that I didn't get my scholarship (though the education system is still horribly biased and stupid.) It was my fault for not working hard enough.

I'm pretty goddamned sure I could have been a straight A student if I really tried. But I was still in that dumb fantasy that being smart and not investing any hard work would be sufficient to carry me through life easily.

Although my results are pretty fucking good for someone who barely studied (lowest were B3s), I know my family were very disappointed in me. My mom said it was alright, as long as I tried my best she was alright with my results.

Tried my best? PFFT. I barely tried. I failed Add Maths and Chemistry through secondary and only deigned to catch up less than a month before SPM.

I'm so lucky to even have Abigail who was kind enough to give me a crash course in so many subjects - history, chem, and add maths - while she also had to study. AND she got straight As.

I feel so ashamed. At the time I felt proud that I scored that much without studying, but I just feel dumb.

Although it wasn't of much consequence (besides losing the Taylor's money) I still feel like a loser.

College was the same. I stoned and slept my way through college. =__= I spent more time playing at Ftz than being in english and accounts class.

See. Got evidence. The whole row was my classmates, lol.

I kept telling myself that I was smart and I would survive college and uni and eventually the workforce.

I reluctantly applied for the RMIT scholarship after my mom bugged me about it. I was so lax about myself that I didn't even trust myself to apply for a scholarship even when I had nothing to lose. I didn't believe I could get it. I had lost so much confidence in myself by then.

Then, a letter came. I got it. I GOT IT! My mom was literally dancing around with joy, and I realised that since my sweep of trophies and passing the PTS in standard 3, I have achieved virtually NOTHING in the previous 8 years.

What a pathetic, slacking slob this promising kid had become. I could only imagine how hurt my parents must have been to see all that lost potential.

Foundation year in RMIT was the best year for me. It was the year that reminded me how good it felt to have hard work pay off AND how satisfying it felt to know that you had truly done your best.

I graduated with a high distinction average (81) and I hadn't felt better in years.

This year, I slacked a little in Semester 1. Was dealing with a fair amount of homesickness and had to deal with difficult teammates and some shit. However, I am determined to do my best this semester. :)

It's the holidays, and I'm heading back to the games lab to work. ^__^

Maya here I come :D

I blogged this post across almost 10 hours. So if you missed the point...you probably didn't cause I don't know what the point was supposed to be either.

Friends

Friends are like lovers. Friends are like family.

You love them, you love your family, you love your partner.

I'd like to think our heart has a different compartment for each type of relationship, and with them, a different kind of love.

Which is why I find it ridiculous to force someone to choose between a friend, a lover, or family.

Those types of questions - if you could only save one from drowning, who would it be? Your bf/gf or your mother?

Or statements like 'waaa now got bf don't wanna come watch movie with us d, what kind of friend are you?'

Stupid la. I mean of course when you get a boyfriend/new friends, you will have less time to spend with your family. And of course, when a new movie comes out and every party wants to take you out, you can either:

1. Go out with your friends. Movie time is girl time right?

2. Go out with your boyfriend. Movie time is paktor time right?

3. Go with your family. Movie time is family bonding time right?

4. Go with everyone together. Movie time is awkward time right?

5. Go watch the movie three time. Movie time is wallet-bleeding time right?

6. DON'T WATCH THE DAMNED MOVIE DAMMIT!

So as you can see. Lose-lose-lose situation either way. -.-

You know how to rectify this? Guess what, YOU can't. Your friends, partner and family just have to learn to share.

There's just one of you, after all. It's not like there 1 Stephanie when she's born, then for each friend she makes, she splits in half and multiplies like a bloody social amoeba. -_-

Okay, I'm not complaining about my family/friends/bf - I've pretty much struck the jackpot so far; they're all not pissy about sharing time.

Almost all anyway. A couple of them just give me a hard time over it. Sigh. As people say, if you really care, you won't make them choose.

Takkan you wanna become like those soap opera siew je...I TIAO LOU NOW YOU SAVE ME OR NOT? IF YOUR MOTHER FALLING YOU SAVE HER OR ME AH? YOU CHOOSE LA! I DON'T THINK YOU LOVE ME LOR!

Okay, not as dramatic but pretty much the same situation. Either way you're breaking your friend's heart and setting yourself up to be let down - unless your friend picks you over someone else la. Then your poor friend is gonna eat shit from the other party, if the other party behaves like you.

Childish and selfish.

Sigh. But even so, I still sayang my friends la. So many of them have changed over the years.

Some of them blossomed as they grew up, but some are like trainwrecks - and I've got a first-class ticket to watch them crash headfirst into life.

It sucks knowing that you can't do shit about it. Even though they are your friends, you can only help them to some extent.

And it is especially difficult to help someone who you think needs help when THEY think they are perfectly fine. And you'd just come off as some righteous piece of do-gooder shit.

But if I don't do anything, I'm wrecked by guilt and worry that something might happen and one day I'll think that I didn't try hard enough - even though at this point I sincerely believe I have.

I guess the best decision is just keep my nose out of other people's business.

Their life is not my life. I have no right to dictate what they choose to do. And if I can't influence them positively, then I probably wasn't a very good friend to start with. :) But I can't help caring about them anyway, no matter how much they've changed.

Every person you've known has helped shape your life in some way or other - be it significant or nearly negligibly. So, in a way they're still part of who I am, and I am a part of their life too.

Fucking cheesy. But I believe that this is true.

Enough about the sad cases. I'm so happy that some of my friends have grown up into happy people.

...Wtf I sound like a clucky mother hen.

That said, I only have a handful of people I still care about. Some of them have found their way, some are lost, some are happy, some are confused...but we're still young.

The time I posted on fb that I wished everyone I knew happiness - whether I loved or hated them - I wasn't high.

I really do.

Cause I guess whatever happens, as long as you have some hope or joy in life that you can hold on to...you're never lost.

I'd like to thank my friends who have supported me and moulded me into who I am today.

Those who have listened to my rants.

Those who gave advice - stupid or useful, it doesn't matter.

Those who dragged me out to experience new things.

Thank you.

I love you :)

One day, we may grow apart so much that we barely keep in touch at all, but I'm always here.

Always. Unless, of course, I'm dead. CHOI.

*hugs 4x4 wooden plank*

I may not give sound advice.

I may not respond the way you want me to.

I may not be the person you want listening to your problems.

But I will. And if you really trust me, you know I will. :)

Okay. I'm done with my sappiness. (Look what a sentimental creature I've grown to be! *claps*)

Did you like this post more than my emo/game posts?

Hmm.

*showers thoughtfully*

Plateau

That's how Mizz JLWY described it. My life. Plateau-ed.

:/

I'm fine fine fine fine fine.

My family, social life, love life, education, finances, health.

Pretty much everything is looking good and bright on the horizon.

...which means I have nothing to bitch about. Which makes me, IMO, quite a dull person.

My mom is cool with my life. I go out with friends quite often now. I love my bf, he loves me. My course is a breeze - and a cool and enjoyable breeze at that. I've got leftover money from that 2.5 days that I worked last sem, so...SHOPPING! My hair is shiny, my skin is smooth (albeit wintry-dry) and I don't have dark circles beneath my eyes.

I'm pretty much at a stage in life where most people would like to be, I guess.

Nothing particularly good or bad that directly affects me has happened lately. Hence, the plateau.

The dreaded plateau of contentment that seems the ideal place to rest our teenage emotions, yet when you reach it, you find it unimaginably dull.

It's boring.

I sound like some horribly ungrateful person but that's how it is. I have nothing interesting to say. It's like my life is day after day of pleasant classes and pleasant friends and pleasant food and pleasant conversations with my boyfriend.

It's as if I've forgotten how to feel worry, fear, anger, sadness, disappointment when I'm in a perpetual cloud of contentment like this.

Although, I guess I can't really say I'm in a perfect cloud of contentment, given that I'm currently whining unjustifiably with discontentment over my state of contentment.

I guess some bitches have it all and still complain, right?

Alright. Stop pelting me with rotten eggs and tomatoes now, and I will commence the telling of the story of the most interesting thing that has happened to me since I returned to Melbourne.

I was asked out by someone.

A someone that I've known for approximately 1.5 days who knows I have a boyfriend, and is in love with someone else.

Yet, he still asked me out.

Huh? Well yeah, I'm confused too.

It started while I was working as a marker at the end of last sem. I, being my usual lethargic self, dozed off rather inconspicuously (as I'd like to believe) ...but not inconspicuous enough for the guy next to me to not notice.

He then began to chat nonsensically to me 'to keep me awake.' I thought he was just being nice and helpful so I thought nothing of it.

Later on, he went on to offer to treat me to a meal for my 'belated birthday' (it was one week prior to the convo,) try to talk me into taking extra shifts with him, promising to save me a seat for the next working day and wound up with my phone number.

He actually asked me to add him on facebook, to which I agreed, but he handed me his phone and while I tried to navigate around he said there was no internet, can he have my number instead?

Of course, since I was already holding the phone, it would seem like a bloody rude thing to do to refuse so I just keyed it in wordlessly and hoped nothing would come of it.

That night he messaged me and asked if I got home safely blablabla, which I pointedly ignored.

The next day he found out I had a boyfriend and things got slightly awkward - I skipped work to go shopping and we didn't speak much to each other after that.

I thought, well, phew that he took the hint and backed off.

So imagine my surprise a few days after I returned to Melbourne - more than 5 weeks after our first encounter - to find that my phone inbox had laid a mystery egg...from that guy.

I opened it with trepidation, wondering what on earth could he want. The text asked whether I still remember him, and asked how I was, how was Malaysia, did I enjoy it?

I stoned for a moment. I had forgotten all about him. I was shocked to discover that he still remembered my length of stay in Malaysia.

With Amanda's advice, I brushed him off again with the excuse 'sry can't text you , saving credit to call my bf." Pretty dismissive, right?

He then asked for my facebook, which I gave him to be polite. I didn't really want to ignore him totally as he was from RMIT as well and if I ran into him - AWKWARD.

He ended up attempting to ask me out many times on facebook and when I said hell no I have a boyfriend and I love him very much thank you, he deigned to ask me whether I would even CONSIDER flirting with him.

I replied 'no' shortly. He went on about how intelligent I was and how I'm really nice to talk to and my hair...my hair...was so...(in his words)

The fuck?

Lolz. But in the end when he realised it was pointless, I managed to dig up some juicy info about his exgf, and his current love, which was doomed from the start - they were from different castes, and therefore it was 'improper' for them to be together.

I am not sure if he's shitting me with his romeo and juliet saga, but I am fucking glad he stopped harassing me already. Maybe he's got my hint to go after the chick regardless of what their parents think and so, has forgotten me in the process. :3

He asked me out for a coffee again, saying he could make me fall for him and I just went -__________________-''

He persisted, but I didn't reply him (busy playing Binders) and I guess he took that as a sign that I was thoroughly fed up with him and his relentless advances.

Anyhow, he hasn't messaged since. :3

I don't know if it's my retardedly lala orange-gold hair or what, but lately there has been guys hanging around my back - god knows what they want.

Today, I noticed the guy sitting next to me having trouble accessing the class server, so I poked his shoulder and told him the proper username and password. He thanked me and I thought that was that.

After that, I noticed him staring at me a lot while I was talking to Tata (girls have imba peripheral vision), which I pointedly ignored. After class, he hung around behind my chair for a while, just hovering uncomfortably behind me as I was fiddling around with the 3D chair I modeled with Maya on the Mac.

"That's nice, I like your chair."

"? Thanks "

I turned back to my work.

"It's really good, I really like it."

"Uhh, thanks?" I replied without looking at him.

"Where are you from?"

I turned around again and looked at him properly this time.

"Malaysia. Are you local?"

"No, I'm from Peru."

"Oh, cool."

I turned back to my screen.

He hovered for a few more moments and left.

Geez. Awkward, yes? -.-

And that day, there was this cheena guy looking at me in Nando's. It seemed normal, I look at people sometimes too.

But after a while, he started getting up and walking past my table to get napkins to wipe down his table. (He had finished eating a while ago.)

Yes I said 'started' because he did that numerous times, despite the fact that there was nothing on his table already.

How many times do you have to get napkins to wipe down a 4-person table that only 1 person has eaten at? Did he sneeze all over the table or something?

I pointed this out to Amanda and gave him simultaneous incredulous stares (kuatnya!) and he finally left, after stoning in his seat a while.

Gee, what a way to get attention - by doing silly things LOL. I would be fair and say that he might have been trying to get Amanda's attention, but that was less likely as she had her back facing him. :/

AND! And! After he left Nando's Manda suddenly giggled and said that he had just walked back through the door and was pretending to study the menu. AFTER he had finished his meal.

Ahahaha wtf lameness.

Anyway, I will not be self-centred this time and just assume that he was a poor, lifeless soul who didn't want to leave Nando's cause he had nothing to look forward to after dinner. :(

And ooh ooh ooh impending love story between my girl friend and guy friend. This oughtta be good!

But I will always root for my dear mamanda, not that ghey lou!

Anyway, even now I can't really think of myself as pretty. I look in the mirror and I will always see that lopsided face and body, ghoulish body and unruly hair.

Maybe you guys can see past all that, but I grew up as the ugly awkward kid with buckteeth, pimples, flat chest and shitty haircuts (sorry mom. You have improved a lot now though!)

Even now when I have straight teeth, RELATIVELY clear skin, cute a-cup boobies and long orange hair, I still feel inexplicably unattractive.

Some of my guy friends have said that I will become a model one day, but I don't think that one day will ever come.

My girl friends laugh at my impaired sense of fashion and 'booblessness.' (The fuck la a-cup is still considered boobs OKAYYY!)

But you know what? Although I may never grow up to become a model or a hot babe, I am still happy with my face and my body.

Contrary to my occasional whining, I'm not that insecure about my small boobs or my height.

I am slightly iffy about my collarbones and shoulders though, but nothing sleeved shirts won't cure. After all, I have those bony chopstick legs that make boys and girls stare and make my relatives want to feed me a huge dose of fat.

Everyone has their ugly and pretty parts. But all in all, I feel pretty although I don't think I'm very pretty.

I guess confidence and self-esteem is all that matters. (And I have plenty of that!)

Yesterday Amanda told me that she wasn't pretty and that was why boys would never want to come after her.

I felt a little bit sad. Perhaps she thinks she isn't the traditional type of pretty, but I think she's pretty. Maybe she doesn't have double eyelids or a dainty chin, but when she smiles or laughs I think it's really attractive.

Standards of beauty are so high nowadays it's almost unachievable.

Fake tits, rhinoplasty, fake tans...in the end does it really matter? You're just going to end up a pile of bones and silicone anyway.

Sure, it makes you feel good about yourself, but I find that most girls feel good when they think other people find them attractive.

I've seen girls who do it all to be fawned over by men. Cleavage-baring tops, sexy/cute haircuts, tight jeans.

They have men salivating over them, and willing to do anything for them - demeaning oneself to make her happy? Sure! Spend my life savings to get her attention? No problem!

But in the end, I guess all a girl really wants from a man is to be loved. Loved for herself, and not her tits or ass or hair.

What happens when you hit 40 and your boobs are down to your navel and you have wrinkles round your eyes?

How are you going to survive without the attention of men, when you've built your life solely around that aspect?

And men...I don't know if they're really happy when they are finally able to call that hot chick their girlfriend. Does she love you? Or is she with you because you're the one who is most willing to spend shitloads of cash and time on her?

Either way, yay. Hot girl and hot guy = hot couple. Good for them if they love each other.

But sometimes, it isn't so. And that's just sad.

Pawns for each other - girl gets the money, guy gets the hot piece on his arm.

But yeah, we're young, we do shit like this. That's always the excuse. I'm young I can do whatever the hell I want, right?

Right.

Problem is, we get old.

Then, what happens?

Boobalicious

I have always had small boobs. On a bad day I'd feel really self-conscious and feel very un-feminine. On a good day I'd love them and tell myself that big boobs would look extremely out of place on my skinny body.

Was reading a chick blog called 'The Boobs' and wow. There were LOTS of great boobage on display and I started feeling small (haha punny) and inadequate again.

However, I read on and discovered that they don't only appreciate voluptuous girls but also those flat-chesties like me. One of the readers posted up a familiar link that I've visited before a long time ago but completely forgotten about.

And there are pages upon pages of normal boobs.

I've always read in magazines that yes, boobs do come in all shapes, sizes, and colours - but that contradicted with their gorgeous boobalicious models on the cover and it just came off as a half-arsed attempt to make some readers feel better.

I looked at the website again, and suddenly I feel a great rush of affection towards my boobs (god I sound like a freak -.-) and you know what? I love them.

They aren't big and juicy but on the bright side, they don't sag at all and despite a being different in size, they are pretty balanced and I don't have areola the size of salted biscuits. Not that having big areolae is a bad thing, but I think that would look disproportionate with my small boobs.

And yes, my boyfriend loves my boobs too. Of course, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if they were a bit bigger, but he tells me he appreciates them all the same. And since, he, I, a bra fitter, my mom and a gynaecologist are probably the only people who are ever going to see me topless, (unless I get really drunk and skinny dip) all your opinions are irrelevant.

It's just that when I came here, there were so many girls with great boobs and could wear all types of tops - singlets, bikinis, v-necks, boob tubes and whatnot...I was perpetually stuck wearing t-shirts that covered up my shoulders (damn my bony frame! )

But really, I shouldn't be surprised because the people here are generally bigger (Aus is the 2nd most obese country after US) and although I'm not saying they're all fat and ogrelike, they have more flesh, and naturally, bigger boobs.

Also, some of my girl friends do remark about the tragedy of being flat-chested and how big boobs always win just made me feel even worse about myself. When I asked Amanda to think what other tops I could wear besides t-shirts, she just stoned, smiled slightly and looked away. My mom bought me a gorgeous strapless maxi dress. I put it on, and when I lifted my arms up, they promptly slid down and almost fell off.

It's little incidents like these that have taken a serious toll on my self-esteem. I remember the time when I used to be all: 'this is the way I am and if you don't like it, fuck you!'

I don't know when I started caring so much about what people say.

I read the stories that accompanied each picture on the boob site, and some were encouraging while others just made me feel so sad.

One girl with these perfect boobs (like perky B cup - the way I want mine to be) said she felt they were too small and were hideous. Her self-esteem issues were so bad that she never had a boyfriend because the idea of anyone ever seeing her naked was terrifying.

And this comes from a girl whose boobs I so desperately wanted!

People aren't happy with what they have. I read on through and saw girls with huge boobs who wanted reductions, tiny boobed-girls who took the Pill just to be more womanly. (Which I HAVE seriously considered, but wasn't prepared to deal with the side-effects.)

Some of them had boobs that I didn't like - saggy and drooping, with areolae that covered the entire pointy part of their boobs...but they loved them. I guess it's just how you perceive your body. Other people may not like them, but the most important view is yours.

If you love them, fuck what other people think. Especially guys who say they only love big-boobed girls. If you whip out your 9-inch pornstar dick and 6-pack abs and flex your model biceps while telling me this, then okay fine. But otherwise I'm pretty sure you aren't what other girls have in mind either. And I'm not saying that guys are the only one's who discriminate...girls are just as guilty of this too.

In fact, I think girls have hurt my feelings more than guys have ever done. ( Not intentionally, I hope. If so, then suck mah ballzz pls)

But the point is, you should just appreciate who you are. Thanks to the media, we are bombarded daily by perfectly round, perky big boobs and we forget that not all of us are graced with good genes/are photoshopped.

I'm thin. I have A cup boobs (which fluctuate from AA to almost B depending on the time of month) and they're fine, thank you.

I would never consider having those hideous pornstar implants - I would like to breastfeed my children and not be numb in the chest, thanks. I'd still like to gain some weight because I'm really unhealthy but otherwise...

As for those girls with huge boobs, flaunt them when you can. Be glad you have them. They may be huge and ache and maybe you can't wear bikini tops, but be thankful that you can wear feminine dresses and tops without unintentionally flashing the crowd when you lift up your arms.

As for flatties like me, be happy you can run around without having gravity fucking around with your chest. You don't have to wear a bra and you won't sag. You won't experience those backaches that big-breasted women sometimes experience, and although we can't wear strapless tops, we don't have to worry about boobs popping out of bikini tops anytime.

Love your boobies!

This is a community service message brought to you by your friendly almost-completely-flat blogger.

And here's the link again, in case you didn't click it earlier and are lazy to scroll up: Normal Breasts Gallery

Good night

p.s. Cotton On size 8A bras are half the price of larger-sized bras during a sale (5$ as opposed to 10$). HAHA. I don't find it insulting that we're not of 'common stock,' but awesome that I get to save my money ^__^