Falllinnngggg

I've been behaving uncharacteristically unattractively lately.

There's probably 12983719783 different problems with that sentence, but that kind of sums up my feelings at the moment.

I've been isolating myself from any sort of friendly activity lately and for some reason, I have a strong urge to do nothing but wallow in self-pity recently.

Which is absolutely pathetic. I'm not in the least pitiful. Watching others struggle with their studies, financial and relationship problems, I feel like I've been blessed to have practically NO problems in my life except my own attitude.

I find myself unable to relate to others when I hear about their monetary struggles and difficulty with studying. Maybe it's because it's been over and done with so long ago, but SPM suddenly seems like a piece of cake to me. History? Difficult? PAH! I revised for history for 3 days straight and got an A1 after failing numerous times throughout the 5 years of high school.

And then I feel like such a shit cause I doubt it was really that easy for me.

I feel like I'm being ungrateful cause here I am, born into a happy, loving family with hardly any trouble whatsoever with anything.

Studies? Bahhh, barely studied but still did fine.

Money? Was under a tight budget at one point when dad was sick again, but otherwise pretty well-off compared to others.

Love? The love of my life pretty much landed in my lap from above with barely any complications (compared to some stories of heartbreak.)

I loved him, he loved me. We met, we hit it off and here we are. No doubts, no jealousy, no emotional baggage. Relationship jackpot? Yes!

Yet, I find myself being a cranky bitch while talking to him lately. I don't know what's up with me, but I just lost my verbal tuner. My conversations seemed tuned in to an abrasive frequency; whatever I've said to people these past few days I regret almost immediately.

Could it be that I have no regard towards the feelings of others? Maybe. But if I really didn't care, why do I feel guilty now?

I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I can't bring myself to talk to any of the few friends that I have. I say few because I believe most of the people I know are merely acquaintances who know almost nothing about me and my personality.

And I can't bring myself to act normal in front of them because they might be unable to accept me - sans niceties.

I find myself sugar-coating the things I say these past few years. Only these few days have I truly spoken my mind, and it seems to face solid rejection all round.

I'm sorry, but I'm not the nice girl you thought I was. I'm human, I get jealous, I get irritated, I get selfish, I am occasionally a sore loser.

Only lately, I've started feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to suppress the negativity within me, like I've been doing for so long.

When I control my behaviour and be nice and considerate and tactful, I feel vaguely suffocated. However, when I don't, I feel like I've lost to the bitch within.

It's one thing to be a person who stands by her principles, and another to go out of your way to persecute others with different beliefs.

I used to hate this kind of people, but I'm becoming one myself, actually. :/

I want to be myself, yet I want to be a good person. But is anyone ever born completely good?

I guess I have to learn that retaliating bitter words with more bitterness is futile. I should not have to stoop to another's level to get my point across. Ignoring taunts is not a sign of weakness, but strength, showing that you have control over your own emotions and reactions.

I win when I feel like I've won. And I'm feeling like a bloody sore loser right now.

I sincerely apologize for all the bitter words and spitefulness I have shown lately. I regret all the bitchy posts, but I won't take them down just yet.

There must be a reminder of how low I can sink, and when it's time to stop being childish and vengeful.

I'm 19, I'll be an adult in 2 years. I don't want to grow up, but I have to.

We all have to. (: It may not be time for others yet, so I'll leave them to their malice and spite. But it's time for me to leave that behind and just learn to be self-sufficient and not react to others.

:)

I hope I can do it.