On second thought

I was a bit iffy when I wrote that previous post. Maybe because he reminded me of the infinite amount of ah bengs that I've encountered over the years - all like him: equally incapable of cowing girls.

The more I talk to him, the more I recognize the stereotype. And I guess he's not all bad - he's just socially stunted. I mean look at the first (second?) impression he gave me. What's up with that?

And I highly doubt he will ever be able to cow my dear Sui. As much as I hate seeing a lovesick person like him have his heart smashed to smithereens, we have to be realistic.

But who knows wei? Maybe one day he can win over her heart and shut me up. HAHAHA I'm imagining a SuiYi-AhBeng wedding. Omfg. Worlds apart man.

From the conversation I just had with him, he seems to have an IQ of my pants size, the maturity of a 5-year-old and the love experience of that little froggie in the tempurung.

.__.

Good luck. May your charm (if any) and wit (HAHA) win her over eventually. :/

But don't keep your hopes up. If you do, you are - in her words - DELUSIONAL.

It's a small small world

A few days ago, Suisui was tagged in a pic where some guy was confessing his love to her in DotA. I didn't really think much about it until I talked about it with her today and I realised the DotA guy's username - Tom|Kz - sounded so damned familiar.

And it turns out, it's some guy who used to know me when I first started DotA on Garena almost 3 years ago. Ex clanmate from [MoD.]

WALAO. Like that also can meh?

I don't remember him as a person or player, but I remember his name cause it was very cutesy for a guy. But he remembers me -.- Summore say I 'siaosiao' and like to use '._.' when I type.

Wtf I am so memorable! /perasan

Then he has to go spoil it all by insulting me and saying I'm damn noob. WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of moron insults a girl he has not seen in 3 years in front of her good friend - who incidentally is the girl he currently likes?

How dumb can you get? HAHAHA.

He said I called him noob first, not realising I was joking. How can I even judge a person as noob when I just said I don't even remember that person? Guna otaklah, alamakkk.

Anyway, it seemed that I had insulted his DotAhbeng dignity and he goes on to say that I was very noob and he beat me and Rick in one match.

This I find hard to believe, cause Rick was a fantastic, albeit selfish (only in games) player even 3 years ago. I mean, Viv - a tourney player - allowed him to go draft with her last time, and she had nothing bad to say about him at the time - she said he was not bad in fact. (Unlike Nick. Sorry to say, she was laughing/swt-ing too hard to comment. LOL tough luck man.)

And the fact that he can even remember this match after 3 bloody years when I can't even remember him just proved what a miracle it was that he won.

-______________- Who on earth recalls DotA matches from 3 years ago? I can't even remember how I played in last night's game.

Then ask me 1v1 summore ZOMG. SAI MM SAI AH? I'd gladly oblige if it weren't for the fact that we're on opposite ends of the globe (lag, duh) and the fact that 1v1 matches don't prove shit. DotA is a team game, not a bloody cockshow.

And then as we go on talking he alternates from insulting to humble to actcute to offended. His mannerisms switched as fast as my moodswing while I'm PMS-ing. I don't understand Ahbengs at all.

Sorry la Sui, I tau he's your friend (summore he loves you OOOO ) but I don't know what to make of him wei. And I cannot believe he still plays DotA hardcore after all these years. Tak bosan ke?

But I must say you have good taste to have passed over him

Let me warn you and every other girl out there - hardcore DotArds are generally:

1. Kiasu

2. Kiasi

3. Good at passing the blame

4. Cursing in at least 3 different dialects/languages

5. Easily offended

6. Lifeless

7. Better than you (so they claim)

8. Keen to 'fuck ni mama de puki/cheebye'

9. People who take gaming too seriously (thus defeating the purpose of games, which is to have fun)

10. Good at changing their tone according to the person they are talking to (lots of experience in clan politics and can suck up to/ curse people very well)

I know because I was at least 4 of these at the same time at some point in my life. And I am so glad I've moved on and up from wasting my life on a pointless Ah Beng game.

I still enjoy playing DotA, but only on a casual basis now. No more 10 hour sprees, lack of food and sleep, staying up during SPM to DotA, and no more swollen gaming spots. (If you don't know, it's the callous the wrist of the mouse - and sometimes keyboard - hand.)

Maybe it's my course or maybe I've matured - either way I'm not really obsessed with games anymore and can stop any time. REALLY stop - not say YES I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT...but never do.

My gaming spot has faded and is barely visible now. Lots of DotA friends have faded away into the woodwork along with my obsession. The only significant thing I have left from my gaming days is...my boyfriend.

Lol. No regrets. We left the world of hardcore gaming together and I think it was one of the best decisions I've made.

I love gaming and I always will, but it's such a toxic atmosphere when you don't know how to separate it from real life.

I know I'm still hot-tempered and have lots of bad habits when I'm gaming - but it (temper/bad attitude) evaporates within 30 minutes from the end of the game. I find it ridiculous to harbor long-term grudges over a simple ks or mistake in game - my real friends are worth more than that.

And I hope that one day, all these hopeless game addicts realise that too - gaming is a lifestyle, not your life.

Neuroses

1. I have a system for putting my food in order. For example, if dinner is veggies, potatoes, and chicken, I will eat ALL of the veggies, then the potatoes. Not until that’s done can I eat the chicken. If it’s soup or stew the process is the same. Cereal is complicated. If it’s something muti-colored I have to eat the pieces in order of color, worst to best. I will not eat a wrong-colored piece until I finish the color I’m working on. Lucky Charms are easier. I just have to make sure all the cereal bits are done before I eat the marshmallows. If i don’t eat things this way, I will feel like I’ve cheated. And it will bother me for the rest of the meal.

2. If I am reading a book before I go to bed, I have to complete the chapter I am on before turning out the lights. Once I finish the chapter, I have to stick the bookmark in the book without looking. If I see the first words of the next chapter, I have to read that one too before turning out the lights.

3. Every time I eat a gummy candy, I try to keep it in my mouth with out chewing it. If I do bite it, I lose.

4. Every time I go by a wall or something, and I touch it, I have to touch it for the amount of times that I am old. For example, if I poke a wall, and I’m currently 20 years old, I have to poke it 20 times. And if by some coincidence I miss one, I have to star over until I have touched it 20 times in a row.

5. When walking up a flight of stairs, I have to begin with my right foot and end at the top with my left foot. As I approach the top of the stairs, and can see that I will end with my right foot, I will skip a step to ensure it is my left foot finishing.

6. Eating in order – Every time I eat a snack out of a bowl–say mini pretzels–I have to eat them in order from least tasty to tastiest. In the case of pretzels, this would mean I have to eat them in order from least salty to most salty. Touching a pretzel also immediately decreases its tastiness value, and the last two must be eaten one after the other.

7. Whenever I sing a song and someone tries to talk to me, I have to finish the part that I’m singing before I talk to them because otherwise it will bother me. Just the fact that I’m doing something and someone interrupt me irks me.

8. When buying a book, I have to ensure that there cover is perfect – no crinkles, wrinkles scratches and such. Also must leaf through the book to make sure the pages are intact. Then, I put that book down and do the same with several other books because I cannot purchase the first one I picked up. Or the second.

9. When I walk over a bridge I have to hold on really tight to my belongings because I fear I might throw them off.

...apparently I'm not the only one with neuroses.

What kind of neurotic behaviour do YOU have?

Boobalicious

I have always had small boobs. On a bad day I'd feel really self-conscious and feel very un-feminine. On a good day I'd love them and tell myself that big boobs would look extremely out of place on my skinny body.

Was reading a chick blog called 'The Boobs' and wow. There were LOTS of great boobage on display and I started feeling small (haha punny) and inadequate again.

However, I read on and discovered that they don't only appreciate voluptuous girls but also those flat-chesties like me. One of the readers posted up a familiar link that I've visited before a long time ago but completely forgotten about.

And there are pages upon pages of normal boobs.

I've always read in magazines that yes, boobs do come in all shapes, sizes, and colours - but that contradicted with their gorgeous boobalicious models on the cover and it just came off as a half-arsed attempt to make some readers feel better.

I looked at the website again, and suddenly I feel a great rush of affection towards my boobs (god I sound like a freak -.-) and you know what? I love them.

They aren't big and juicy but on the bright side, they don't sag at all and despite a being different in size, they are pretty balanced and I don't have areola the size of salted biscuits. Not that having big areolae is a bad thing, but I think that would look disproportionate with my small boobs.

And yes, my boyfriend loves my boobs too. Of course, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if they were a bit bigger, but he tells me he appreciates them all the same. And since, he, I, a bra fitter, my mom and a gynaecologist are probably the only people who are ever going to see me topless, (unless I get really drunk and skinny dip) all your opinions are irrelevant.

It's just that when I came here, there were so many girls with great boobs and could wear all types of tops - singlets, bikinis, v-necks, boob tubes and whatnot...I was perpetually stuck wearing t-shirts that covered up my shoulders (damn my bony frame! )

But really, I shouldn't be surprised because the people here are generally bigger (Aus is the 2nd most obese country after US) and although I'm not saying they're all fat and ogrelike, they have more flesh, and naturally, bigger boobs.

Also, some of my girl friends do remark about the tragedy of being flat-chested and how big boobs always win just made me feel even worse about myself. When I asked Amanda to think what other tops I could wear besides t-shirts, she just stoned, smiled slightly and looked away. My mom bought me a gorgeous strapless maxi dress. I put it on, and when I lifted my arms up, they promptly slid down and almost fell off.

It's little incidents like these that have taken a serious toll on my self-esteem. I remember the time when I used to be all: 'this is the way I am and if you don't like it, fuck you!'

I don't know when I started caring so much about what people say.

I read the stories that accompanied each picture on the boob site, and some were encouraging while others just made me feel so sad.

One girl with these perfect boobs (like perky B cup - the way I want mine to be) said she felt they were too small and were hideous. Her self-esteem issues were so bad that she never had a boyfriend because the idea of anyone ever seeing her naked was terrifying.

And this comes from a girl whose boobs I so desperately wanted!

People aren't happy with what they have. I read on through and saw girls with huge boobs who wanted reductions, tiny boobed-girls who took the Pill just to be more womanly. (Which I HAVE seriously considered, but wasn't prepared to deal with the side-effects.)

Some of them had boobs that I didn't like - saggy and drooping, with areolae that covered the entire pointy part of their boobs...but they loved them. I guess it's just how you perceive your body. Other people may not like them, but the most important view is yours.

If you love them, fuck what other people think. Especially guys who say they only love big-boobed girls. If you whip out your 9-inch pornstar dick and 6-pack abs and flex your model biceps while telling me this, then okay fine. But otherwise I'm pretty sure you aren't what other girls have in mind either. And I'm not saying that guys are the only one's who discriminate...girls are just as guilty of this too.

In fact, I think girls have hurt my feelings more than guys have ever done. ( Not intentionally, I hope. If so, then suck mah ballzz pls)

But the point is, you should just appreciate who you are. Thanks to the media, we are bombarded daily by perfectly round, perky big boobs and we forget that not all of us are graced with good genes/are photoshopped.

I'm thin. I have A cup boobs (which fluctuate from AA to almost B depending on the time of month) and they're fine, thank you.

I would never consider having those hideous pornstar implants - I would like to breastfeed my children and not be numb in the chest, thanks. I'd still like to gain some weight because I'm really unhealthy but otherwise...

As for those girls with huge boobs, flaunt them when you can. Be glad you have them. They may be huge and ache and maybe you can't wear bikini tops, but be thankful that you can wear feminine dresses and tops without unintentionally flashing the crowd when you lift up your arms.

As for flatties like me, be happy you can run around without having gravity fucking around with your chest. You don't have to wear a bra and you won't sag. You won't experience those backaches that big-breasted women sometimes experience, and although we can't wear strapless tops, we don't have to worry about boobs popping out of bikini tops anytime.

Love your boobies!

This is a community service message brought to you by your friendly almost-completely-flat blogger.

And here's the link again, in case you didn't click it earlier and are lazy to scroll up: Normal Breasts Gallery

Good night

p.s. Cotton On size 8A bras are half the price of larger-sized bras during a sale (5$ as opposed to 10$). HAHA. I don't find it insulting that we're not of 'common stock,' but awesome that I get to save my money ^__^

Ulzzang

If I had to choose a plastic surgery procedure to undergo, it would be rhinoplasty.

Today was the first time I came across the word 'ulzzang.' I discovered it was not pronounced 'oolzang' but 'ohl-jang.'

It means 'perfect face' in Korean. And to them, the perfect face has bug (typo but it stays) eyes, small nose and a small asymmetrical mouth.

This seems to be the look that most Asian girls are going after. I used to call it the 'lala' look, but now it has a name!

So, I decided that by having rhinoplasty, I'd shave down this big lump of a nose down to those cute tiny skislope noses that these Ulzzang seem to desire.

Then I'd have the 'perfect face!'

And after years of fretting about how ugly my tiny lopsided lips are, I now find out that this is exactly what these Ulzzang want to achieve. It makes me feel bad in a way that I've been worrying about something that so many girls wish for.

Eureka moment: OHHHH that's why they always make those silly duck lips and scrunched-up pouty faces when they camwhore!

Now I can be lala just by looking straight into the camera and not making any faces! Yippee!

I spent more than an hour watching videos on Ulzzang makeup and looking at before and after pics of these girls.

And now I am not sure what to make of lala-ism. Some of these girls look amazing and really know what they're doing. But some of them...really cannot make it.

I think to achieve a look, you must possess some of its qualities already. I mean, if you're hideous, it's really hard to act sexy without 3p|c ph4i|ing.

Makeup can only do so much...though I must admit I've seen some miraculous tranformations. o_O

It's not only makeup though...I find that lots of girls hide their noses by pushing up the contrast of the photo so much that they DON'T have noses - only big round eyes and tiny pouty lips on a plain white canvas.

Great for hiding pimples too.

Alternatively, you can hide big/misshapen/ugly noses by doing this:

I'm sure lots of girls already know these beautifying techniques. Camera angle, lighting, makeup, poses...the whole works.

I've heard about them too, but I've never really tried any of them or cared much about them...until tonight.

I've always thought of makeup as faking it...trying to pass yourself off as someone prettier. I wasn't really against it, but I was never all for it either.

But tonight...tonight...I finally see! I see what makeup can do. And I condone it. I mean, if you are so unlucky to be born hideous, but are blessed with the gift of putting on makeup beautifully...why not?

I mean, I don't know about you, but even though she's still not gorgeous, I'd rather look at this girl in the after picture than in the before picture.

O_O

I'd rather be all made up and not-that-pretty than straight out plain ugly. Yes, you may say that choosing to go out with a naked face means being 'true' to yourself and 'appreciating' what you have, but I don't see what's wrong in trying to make yourself look better if you can and if you want to.

I mean, I've never bothered to do my hair and face and put on nice clothes, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm just too lazy.

But one fine day, when I have the time (4 hours for facehairnailsclothes) and money for all the thingamajigs and nice clothes, I'd like to play dress up too.

Not necessarily in the Ulzzang/lala style, but you know, dolling up in general.

(And though I now am on the positive side of lala makeup, I am still firmly against lala clothing. They're hideous!)

As for coloured contacts to brighten up and enlarge your eyes, I think it's really important to choose a colour that matches your makeup and skin tone. I still think those translucent ones are creepy and really ugly on the wrong person.

I mean it's one thing to look like this:

(Obviously photoshopped but still looks okay)

And another to look like this:

D:

But anyway, as of now, I'm still too bloody lazy to bother about all these stuff, though I'd dearly like to meddle with makeup someday. So I guess I don't have to worry about making any fashion faux pas yet.

I'm happy with the way I look, though I know I probably should dress myself better - I'm just too lazy in the mornings. It's hard enough dragging myself out of bed as it is! I really don't know how some of these girls can wake up a couple of hours earlier just to do their hair and makeup and pick out their outfit.

-____-

Oh, and I watched this cute and pimply but very likeable teenage girl cutting her bangs and had to impulse to give mine a trim too. It grew past my eyes again and were bothering me so I snipped away at the sink.

I am proud to say that I have greatly improved my haircutting practices and did not shear off my entire fringe like I did when I was in kindergarten (and had to wear a headband for more than month until it grew out - kids asked me if I hurt my head and so had to bandage it.)

Hmm...maybe I should dabble more in makeup when I go back to Malaysia. I have all the time in the world then after all - and a fat Aussie dollar paycheck to boot. (HEH HEH HEH.)

I really want to do something about my hair, but I'm too traumatized from past salon disasters and I'm afraid they will murder my hair. Irreparably iron-straight orange hair is...I don't even want to think about it -___-

This is an example of super-straightened hair:

Actually, it's not that bad cause it looks shiny and healthy. I'm more terrified of the ugly, semi-burnt and dry looking hair that most girls have after straightening it at a (presumably cheap/bad) salon. But I'd still like mine to have some bounce and life in it.

Was thinking about investing in a straightener and some heat-protective serum and DIY it at home. At least I can still wash it out if I don't like it :) Might be more ma fan though. But at least I know I'm never going to iron it ramrod straight - I just wanna smoothen out the kinks in my hair. :/

I love hair like this! Don't know who the girl is (looks familiar though) but I want hair like that. :(

Okay, I don't know how I got from me rediscovering the lala look to talking about self-improvement.

:S

Nevermind, I'm just going to end this post with 'I like my bangs' and 'I'm willing to experiment, but I'll never lalafy myself! EVER!'

Sesat lagi

It just struck me that I'm going through that depressed-but-not-depression phase that I always go through when I'm cooped up in my room for too long.

I know what causes it, and that I'd be feeling fine as soon as I leave the house and see REAL, LIVE, PEOPLE. But I still just as dejected and hopeless as ever.

Sigh.

It just struck me that I'm not good at making friends. I'm still as awkward meeting new people as I was in secondary. God knows what happened wei. It's like my personality went through a violent cycle in the washing machine with bleach and came out devoid anything remotely interesting and sociable.

I guess I should be thankful for my current situation in life. I have this awesome boyfriend and I'm lucky enough to be doing an interesting course out of that ducational hellhole that is Malaysia.

During the first lecture for one of my classes, my lecturer asked his second-year students to tell us what they loved most about the class and how it affected them.

One thing a girl said has stuck with me until now:

"I've stopped playing games after starting this course. I became too analytical and critical, and started pinpointing the flaws in every game, and they became much less enjoyable for me."

You know what? I'm going through that phase right now. I've lost approximately 75% of my interest in games - which wasn't much to start with, seeing how hardcore some of my classmates are.

I play DotA somewhat listlessly. CS doesn't seem even remotely attractive to me now. Pokemon...still has hope, but I have the feeling that I'm playing it because of nostalgia.

I feel nothing short of inadequate among my classmates. It seems like most of them gel quickly and easily, discussing their common interest in games and a whole group of them even went to some 'zombie shuffle' in Carlton Gardens yesterday.

What? I'd expected geeks when I came into this course, but I had no idea how different we would be. I mean, I like games and left4dead and all, but I don't find running around dressed as a zombie in broad daylight fascinating at all.

I scream in my head sometimes. WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Where are all the normal people? The people who don't get worked up that Nintendo betrayed them by releasing the Wii. The people who don't own a PS1, PS2, PS3, PSP, Wii, DS, Gameboy Colour/SP/Advanced, Xbox and god knows what else all at once.

Not to mention some hardcore gamers even find casual gamers a nuisance and an insult to their gaming culture. Waaaaaaay to make me feel welcome.

Now everytime I play DotA, all I can think about is what a hindrance I am to the people who put their heart and lives and souls into this stupid fucking ahbeng game. I play pokemon thinking about what combos would be good, IVs and EVs and natures and god knows what else.

What happened to picking the cutest pokemon and spamming attack moves? Now all I see is stat changes and combo attacks and ROLES for pokemon to play.

It's very daunting to even play CS, knowing that you're not even half as good as the real pros out there, and probably never will be.

I should be happy. I'm a gamer. I like art. I'm doing a course that comprises of both. What else could I want?

I don't know, but I feel like I'm going in a completely different direction from everybody else. Group work certainly didn't help. I met people with different work ethics, skill levels, interests, motivation levels and it just pissed me off.

I guess I like to work alone.

But this is impossible if I'm entering the gaming industry. I HAVE to work alongside other people. I'm just hoping that the people in the gaming industry are more capable and like-minded than the people I'm currently with.

They aren't bad people at all, but it's very hard to work with people with different goals than yours.

Imagine spending one whole semester working with people whose mindset is 'oh if I pass then great! If I fail I can always repeat next semester. Whatever.'

It makes me sick. I'm here because I want to excel. I pride in doing the best I can in something that I like.

How can I do that if the people who I have to work with don't even care about passing?

FRUSTRATING.

I was stuck in a programming rut last night, and in desperation, I turned to one of my classmates for help. She totally forgot about the assignment. I asked another and all I got out of him was I HATE IT WHY ARE WE EVEN LEARNING IT? Fucking course!

.............................

I spent more than 3 hours retyping the same 4 pieces of code again, hoping in vain that it will suddenly, miraculously, work. But of course, that would defy logic, and what is programming but logic?

Frustrated, I went to sleep. I woke up the next day and fixed it within 10 minutes.

Which just shows you shouldn't work with a clouded mind. It fucks with you.

Sigh. Whatever.

I just realised I have 300+ fb friends, less than 10 of which I frequently talk to. Almost a 100 requests from people I know nothing about. I feel like a collectible.

Some days I wish I could commit fb suicide in an emo fit, but that would be a bit silly - I have pictures in there that I want to keep. And I have this sneaking suspicion that no one will miss me; instead, they'd be upset cause their friend count went down by one. Which they will forget about in an hour when they simply add a few more to replace me.

And I'm not like you la Yi Ling, seh dak delete years of memories on a whim.

I'm way too sentimental for that. My phone died twice and I was so heartbroken because I lost all the messages my boyfriend sent me during the 'courting' phase.

It's highly unlikely that I will read them again more than once (there are like a couple thousand,) yet I still feel a sense of loss when they were gone.

Stupid, right? Why do I even care about a few kbs of mushiness when I still have my main source of mushiness with me (albeit 7000km away)?

Nahnahnah. Cheer up la Steph. People have more problems than I do. I shouldn't be whining. But I just feel so horribly down.

100+ ppl on my msn and I don't feel like talking to any of them.

Recently, 3 people who I hardly know messaged me out of the blue to talk to me for just that reason - they hardly know me. I felt a bit awkward, so I don't wanna inflict that upon other people. :)

So I decided to talk to you, dear reader. Because you chose to read, not that I chose to talk to you and you felt obliged to layan me.

And I know there are some of you here. :) About 7-8 a day.

Hello. I am Stephanie and I'm a misguided and homesick Games student who incidentally sucks at most games.

Why do I exist? :/ I'm nothing but a speck in this sick, sad, little world.

Home sweet home T__T

*STONE*

I just spent my whole night last night and my whole day today (which started at 5pm) playing pokefuckingmon.

DAMN LIFELESS WEI.

I should be doing my programming assignment which is due at 11.59pm tomorrow but instead I'm rotting away on the laptop, desperately searching for ANYTHING else to do.

I just searched AirAsia and the cheapest ticket I can find is 269$ which is still bloody expensive - 800+rm.

Of course, I can just work 14 hours (less than 2 days work) to cover that expense. I am willing to pay that amount to go home early.

My mom said she bought my ticket for the 26th of June already, but I've trawled through her AirAsia mails and account and found nothing. Maybe she was mistaken?

Tried texting her to skype me, but for some reason it's not going through.

I feel a bit guilty just THINKING about buying a new ticket. Even though I'm going to pay for it myself, it's still wasting my mom's money, which is limited.

But I really really really want to go home. I'm dying here at Melbourne. Life isn't hard. Life is easy. TOO easy. I'm BORED TO DEATH.

I just found out that my semester actually ends on the 28th of May, and NOT June. Whatthefuckthissucksman. The whole of June is allocated for exams - which guess what? I ONLY HAVE ONE!

The timetable is coming out on the 3rd, so I'm anxiously waiting for it's release and praying REALLY REALLY REALLY (oh god I've been good luck please favour me) hard that it's in the first week of June. Then I can go home and celebrate my birthday with all my loved ones. *__*

I still remember last year's celebration. Celebrated with mostly my sister's friends (none of whom I'm close to) and 5 of my new classmates (only one of which that I'm close to) and a bottle of Absolut.

I was really touched that my friends bought me this huge fancy chocolate cake and all, but you know, nothing beats celebrating your special day with the people you're closest to.

Not to mention, 1.5 cups of Absolut had one of my extremely alcohol-intolerant friends screaming and kicking on the floor hysterically for more alcohol. (She had another half shot and was promptly sent to bed.)

I, on the other hand, was rolling around on the bed giggling incoherently and hyperventilating while on the phone with my boyfriend. (That was after 3 consecutive ice-less shots of peach vodka.) Then I decided to sleep cause I didn't like the dizzy feeling. Then I woke up, ran to the bathroom and threw up into the toilet bowl. Then I went back to sleep.

What a night, huh? I didn't even get round to cutting the cookie cake my sis bought for me. What a shame -__-

This year, if all goes well, I may be celebrating my 19th birthday with my friends and family. Maybe a day out with mom and Sam, then off to clubbing with Viv and then going home and hugging my bony boyfriend to sleep.

Sounds much better than doing shots with classmates in my apartment huh?

I blame Viv lor! She keeps harassing me to come back earlier and making Msia sound so much funner than Melbourne. -___- I already wanted to come home earlier, and now I feel like I HAVE to come home earlier or perish of loneliness and boredom.

Seriously, what am I going to do when classes finish on the 28th of May? I'd like to work, but it's only 20 freaking hours a week (maximum allowed with a student visa), which is only 2 and a half days. What am I going to do with the other 4.5 days?

Shop? I've shopped in every affordable and convenient place in Melbourne already. I don't feel like taking a 45 min train ride just to go shopping in some expensive mall in the suburbs.

Game? Please. I'd rather game in Msia where there's no lag. Oh CS how I miss thee! *___*

Go clubbing? Er, no thanks. If it's not free, I'm not going. And the only club-worthy friend I have NEVER gets drunk. Which means, I'd be the only doing the chicken dance and rolling on the dancefloor swinging head around singing. Awkward much?

Well, it's still awkward even with a friend, but at least you get to share the shame. :)

And I'm sure she will want to flirt and dance with boys, and I DON'T want to, so who am I going to dance with? I can't very well hog her the whole night, that would be ridiculously selfish.

Much as I'd like to join in the fun and flirt, I just can't imagine myself disrespecting my boyfriend that way. I know he trusts me and all, but I'm sure it would hurt his feelings if I do - and I'm not willing to do that just to drunkenly dance with some random horny guys in a club for a night.

I'd rather stay home and play CS with retardbengs than do that. And that's saying a lot.

Ha. That reminds me of the night I was such a spoilsport at Maison. I blatantly refused to dance with any guys although I was high and came alone...and I just kept waggling my finger at them like a scolding schoolteacher, shaking my head and tottering away unsteadily in search of more ice cubes to crunch.

I also vaguely remember elbowing some guy on the dancefloor who hugged me from behind. I don't know what happened to him. Poor guy. After all, I guess he'd expect that a girl alone on the dancefloor in a club would be single, obliging and high. How unlucky of him to stumble upon a very stubborn, taken and violent girl. (With bony elbows too.)

Hmm. I digressed again. Back to the point.

If I come home early, that means I'd have plenty of time to get my long overdue driving license. YAY?

And I'd have more precious time to spend with Sam. Now that he's working I only have his nights and weekends and that will never be enough! No!

I also want to go camp at some cc and play CS until I fall asleep. I want to go and find Helyna (until now also belum -_-) and game/bkt with her in Klang. I want to stone at home.

I would rather do nothing at home in Malaysia than do nothing in my apartment at Melbourne. This is because:

1. I can escape the chilling winter. I HATE THE COLD.

2. I can entertain my mom, who's home alone with nothing much to do but watch TV and make jewellery.

3. Shopping in Msia is generally 1/3 the cost.

4. There is a much higher chance of my friends asking me to go out (as compared to here, where I only go out with Amanda.)

5. I can play the piano, I can play with my dogs, I can play CS.

6. Boyfriend! Need I say more?

DAMMIT. I can't wait for my timetable to come out. PLEASE LET IT BE IN THE FIRST WEEK OF JUNE.

Please let mom be mistaken about the fact that she bought my ticket already.

Please let me earn some AUD before I go back home.

Please. Please. Please.

Amen.

(non/in/what?) Equality

I just came across the PMS asterisk team's blog. Half-expecting to find like-minded female gamers like myself, I stumbled upon a generally bitchy post about female pub gamers.

I don't know whether it was the tone of the post or just the contents that seemed bratty. It seems like being a sponsored female gamer is such a big deal for her -_- So what if guys worship and bow down to the occasional female gamer that they come across?

She is right that there is a shortage of female gamers as compared to male gamers. So yea, these generally lifeless nerdy gamer geekboys tend to be awed by the presence of a dickless player in their midst.

But is it the girl's fault that they do that? As for openly declaring their gender in a gaming community being a move to attract boys, that is just a retarded assumption. I'm a girl, I play games, why should I hide it?

This girl is probably the same girl who goes around fighting for equal treatment and respect for female gamers, yet see it as a 'showy' and unacceptable move to admit that you're a female gamer? If that isn't discrimination, I don't know what is. Are guys disallowed from saying 'hey, I'm a guy who games'?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the point here, but I'm known as a female gamer online and yes, I DO receive unwelcome advances from desperate boys. However, this isn't the reason I reveal my gender in the gaming community. I have a boyfriend - I'm certainly not looking for chat-ups or flirtatious encounters.

I'm a girl, I play games, what is there to hide?

I'm not afraid of discrimination. I don't like it, but I accept it. Life is never fair.

If I suck at DotA, then I just plain suck at DotA...it's not because I'm a girl. It's because I have the reflexes of an arthritic cow. Girls who suck at DotA tend to get flamed like so:

"wtf girl sure can't play la!"

However, when guys are on a godlike feeding streak, you don't see other gamers going:

"wtf guy sure can't play la!"

It's not our sex that's the problem. If a girl gamer is pro then GOOD FOR HER! Same goes for guys. You've got the talent, great! Congratulations. You are now a DotA pro!

The author of the post is in an all-girls team. Why must it be an all-girls team? Can't you play alongside guys in a team? Why do you declare yourself as an all-girls team? What makes that so special?

To get preferential treatment? To compete with more lenient standards? Or are you just proud that you're a girl and that you game?

Don't assume that all girls publicly declare that gender for attention or for 'female privileges.' Some of us enjoy gaming, and I have male gaming friends who treat me the same as they would a male gamer.

(Of course, there are those who mollycoddle me, and though I can't say I don't enjoy it sometimes, I don't take it for granted just because I'm a girl.)

I realise that there ARE girls who get guys to use their accounts to play to earn 'pro' recognition for their screen name, but that's only a fraction of the female gaming community out there. They take advantage of sexism in gaming to feed their ego.

The rest of us are actually proud of our skills (or lack thereof) because we just enjoy gaming. We don't play for fame or to get boyfriends - we play because we enjoy it.

Anyway, my point is that it's just a game, don't take it too seriously. Chill the fuck out, babes! ^__^

There will always be discrimination online and if guys want to overhype female pubbers, don't get too worked up about it. Don't assume that all female pubbers think that they are the shit and all that just because guys worship them. Don't be jealous...you have your own legion of fanboys too after all, no? : )

Alrighty. It's 7am and I haven't slept yet. I may be repetitive and make no sense in some points, but what do you expect from me? Give me a break. I'm a girl after all horrr?

Cheers and good night, fellow gamergeeks.