Pre-O Jitters

O for orientation la, you think what?

It's hard to find things to talk about everyday so I'll leave you a short excerpt from an exchange between me and my boyfriend during HoN.

He meant this, which he knows I have been eyeing for a long time. ~__~ *hinthint*

Lol wtf so lame but cute. I terus lol-ed and not angry dee. :)

My subjects for semester 1 are: Games Studio 1, Introduction to Programming, Imaging 1 and Maths and Physics for Artists.

COOL OR NOT?

Tomorrow I meet my coursemates for the first time.

I am scared shitless. I wish I were a fucking hot awesome babe with boobies galore so people will come talk to me automatically.

Maybe guys only. Or maybe no one at all cause gaming geeks have never seen a girl in real life before and would probably treat me like an alien.

Oh well. Screwy-haired, skinny misfit then. ^___^ Come as I am. Hopefully people like me. :)

Day 4:

Fantastic. Every time the webcam freezes it must be while I'm making some stupid face. -_- Oh well. Har har to you too.

Average Day

Today I finally made it to my shopping appointment with Amanda. I would say it was a GOOD day cause every shopping day is a good day, but I had a little incident at lunch which pretty much ruined it for me.

I ate KFC popcorn chicken which I loveeeee and hadn't eaten in months cause the one in Malaysia seems to be all skin and tendons and no meat and is disgusting. Halfway through the meal I complained about gastric pains to Amanda, and promptly lost my appetite.

However, 5 minutes later it was evident that my tummy discomfort was not simply a case of gastric as I excused myself and rushed to the public toilet and had diarrhea.

Sorry. I don't know any nice and eloquent way to describe anything involving sloppy faeces.

Anyway, I felt really dizzy and faint on the way to the bathroom and there was 3-person-long queue so I had to wait. Although there were many stalls, the line was not quick enough and...I pooped in my pants.

KIDDING!

Nah, I just felt really faint and over my dead body would I lean on a filthy bathroom wall, so I resorted to squatting on the floor and rubbing my head, willing my vision to return to normal.

Yea yea, no biggie, you say. But squatting generally isn't an accepted practice in Melbourne, while you can see squatters (ha) everywhere in Malaysia.

So you could say I was garnering plenty of weird looks.

Sigh.

I didn't feel well even after that so I had to squat at the tram stop smack dab in the middle of the main road too. Fantastic!

Nah, a little dizziness and an upset tummy won't put me off shopping.

I felt rather sick and looked pale and felt horrible.

That is, until I met (yes, met - it was almost like a person and I fell in love) a pair of lovely purple sneakers. OMG.

Fake converse la. But who gives a shit when it's PURPLE?

Eagerly, I pulled a size 9 from the shelf and tried it on. Too small.

I grabbed a size 10.

AND IT DIDN'T FIT!

WTF I AM BIG FOOT!

(*@&(@^$*&@^$@(*$^&@(*

:'(

Nevermind. I bought 10$ hoodie from the guy's section in Factorie and it doesn't matter that it's huge cause it's SO warm and comfy. I love it very much. :) Maybe I can share it with Sam also. HAHA.

So my mood was pretty much improved with that one purchase. (My mood is directly proportional to the amount of purchases in a single trip.)

I was gonna blog about Vindaloos for Violence night or whatever it is. Violence against Vindaloos said Daryl HAHA.

But all it really was, was a night to support the Indian community in Melbourne while they face abominable hate crimes. :( Kena beaten up gaogao because they're a shade darker than those beach-crazy sunburnt Aussies.

ANYWAY. We're supposed to eat vindaloo (I can't even spell it) which is some kind of Indian dish tonight to show our support.

But I had tandoori chicken and mango lassi.

Which took a whopping 90 minutes to come. Hooray for small businesses and unexpected surges in customers.

I was going to dive facefirst into the food when it came, as they failed to provide us with eating utensils but I managed to restrain myself. Unlike my sis who grabbed and drumstick and devoured it with relish.

Ok, there was no point to the story but most blogs have no point anyway. At least my blog has more point that yours.

Blah blah blah. I'm sleepy so I don't make much sense.

So I'm signing off now. Buhbyez.

Day 3:

Stoned face frozen on webcam with my new hoodie on. Cute right the hoodie? Rainbow sial. :D Eh? But it's for guys...does that mean I'm wearing a gay hoodie? -_- Whatever la it's damn cute. Byebye.

13 hours! WHEE

Just arranged my timetable for this semester and realised I only have 13 hours a week. HALLELUJAH! It's a far cry from the 24 hour week I had last year and I can actually fit all my classes into 3 days if everything goes according to plan!

It's now 2 - 5 - 4 hours from Wednesday to Friday, with my Games Studio Lab and Tutorial yet to be allocated. I'll find out next week.

For now, I'm praying reallllly hard for those 2 hours to be allocated on Wednesday evening, so I get a 4 - 5 - 4 hour week. :D

If I don't get it, I guess I have to have class for 2 hours on Wednesday and the following 2 available slots are on Monday and Tuesday, which ruins my 3-day-school-week plan T__T

But that's still ok. My earliest class is at 10.30 am. WOOOOT! Last year my earliest class was at 9 (which I was habitually late for) and the latest morning I had was a 10.00 am class once a week.

Now I can sleep in! HAHA AWESOMEEEE. My latest class is 5pm to 8pm, which sucks. But that's ok cause ALL my classes are on Bowen lane which is like, a 7 minute walk from my apartment.

HAHA LUCKY MEEEEE!

So gleeful, you can't imagine. XD Hopefully the workload is proportional to the class hours - LESS.

Then I can get a part-time job from Saturday to Tuesday that pays a minimum of 10 freaking dollars an hour and be RICH! $$$$$

But I'll think about that later. I'm still a lazy bum, lol. Rest and leisure is more important than money to me :P

WHEEEEEEEEE. And Amanda has Mondays and Thursdays off so we are gonna try to find a job together :))) That is, after we assess our average workload and determine whether we have enough time to juggle work and assignments.

NANANANA HAPPY UNI DAYS!

(I'm afraid 2 months down the road I'm going to look back at that previous sentence, cursing my naivety from under a mountain of assignments.)

:) Anyway, Sam just bought a bigger tank, 5 litres of water, dechlorinating fluid and 2kg of sea salt for our babies!

!!! Such commitment where to find wei! HAHA. The little impulsive decision to buy our 5rm crabbies turned into one big investment. I wonder how much it cost. Must pay him back. They are OUR babies after all hor?

Hopefully they won't suddenly curl up and die in the KL heat wei. I would be damn sad. I ACTUALLY MISS THEM OK. I keep asking Sam how our little crabbies are and did he spray them and are they awake and blablabla.

Later he's gonna think I love them more than him aha.

Anyway he's back d so I'm signing off. Shopping with Manda tomorrow (today's plan failed. We both overslept SURPRISE SURPRISE.)

Day 2:

Making an ugly face while wearing the shirt my boyfriend bought for me. If you don't want to be slightly grossed out, stop reading here.

That day Sam asked whether he can have Mickey's feet and I said NO because all he wanted to was grab my boobs. -_- I was like wtf that's damn lame wei you're not going to trick anyone with that. Then he asked whether he can have Mickey's head instead.

And I am damn fucking stupid. I pulled my t-shirt and looked down to find where Mickey's head was and when I exclaimed OH! very stupidly, he leaned over and kissed me.

So ok la. Stupid story but happy ending. :) Tata.

Bad crab :(

Sam just called me and told me that my very naughty crab almost suicided in the absence of his mommy :((((

He woke with a jolt at 6.30 am this morning and so ngam he heard a thud and discovered Snowcrabbie was missing. The thud was from her shell hitting the tiles on the balcony.

NOOOO DON'T JUMP! T___T MOMMY STILL LOVES YOU! FROM ANOTHER CONTINENT!

:'(

But happy ending. Sam put her back in her enclosure and she's still alive and well. *sniffs*

Today I settled my insurance and my registration. Tomorrow I can go shopping! And eat Ying Thai! And Freddo! :D

Life in Melbourne isn't bad at all. I'm actually rather looking forward to my classes, but I'm afraid of developing the SIEN feeling after a while.

I need to find people I can truly click with. Amanda is my best Melbourne friend now and while I can pretty much get along with her, we're far too different to actually be really close.

In fact, I don't think we have any common interests besides assignments and shopping. GG.

She likes Korean boys and EVERYTHING, clubbing, lala-ish but still pretty chic fashion.

I like shy geeky boys, games, reading, and animals. I wear the same t-shirts and jeans almost the whole year through.

I like to have fun and it's a bit off-putting when your friend looks embarrassed when you do or ask something deemed weird instead of laughing with you and going with the flow.

I guess it's just plain personality differences but she's the best friend I have here and I appreciate that :)

I'm finally going to commence my studies in GAMESSSS so I hope I find like-minded people there. To tell you the truth, overly-dressed people (as in fashion-savvy people, not that I like seeing people half-naked) intimidate me a bit. Whenever I see them I either feel repulsed or out of place. :S

Overly geeky people also put me off. Like all they are gonna talk about is WoW or Starcraft or something. I mean I enjoy my share of geeky game talk, but it's a different matter entirely when they can tell you the entire history of Arthas from memory and if we don't play the same games, I won't understand what they are saying.

And I'm also a bit scared of angmohs. I know it's so stereotypical but I think of the Aussies as loud, outgoing people who have casual sex and can drink their own weight in liquor. Scary T__T

That doesn't leave many people for me to befriend. x___x I wanna find someone friendly, guy or girl it doesn't matter. Just someone I can chat, game, do assignments and go out with.

But of course, I haven't even met any coursemates yet, let alone get to know them. They may look like a TYPE of person but behave like another altogether. :) Maybe they are all nice.

I hope they are.

I'm shy when meeting new people. Please make this easy for me. *hangs head*

Now, I am bored. I miss my story books immensely. I should clean up my room. I have nothing to do and I downloaded a whole bunch of songs. Yay for 11mbps speed.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with Amanda; did I mention that already?

Okay. Signing off with a picture of me.

I think I'm going to take a picture of myself every day and post it up until I return to Malaysia. Just for fun. And to see how I change over the months. :)

Cheers ad good night!

Day 1:

Insufficient sleep. Just had a shower and a mint ice cream cone. Chatting with boyfriend about our crabbies. :) My bangs have finally grown out.

It's all over T___T

I guess I could always put it in a more positive light like A NEW BEGINNING! But new semester, new people, MORE WORK! Still negative.

So I guess I'd rather put it as the end of my holidays and my time spent at home and with my dearest boyfriend. :(

It's almost surreal, tapping away on my lycosa that I haven't seen since November, sitting on my black secondhand bedsheet with a cool breeze blowing through the open blinds.

One thing I've always disliked about Melbourne is the absolute silence at night, save for the occasional car passing by. At home, there's always some sort of noise or other, be it my dogs running around in the garden, insects chirping or some insomniac birds making all sorts of noises.

Here it's just...*crickets chirping* Crickets. The sound of silence. But there aren't any crickets, even. Sigh.

I guess it's this silence that sometime drives me absolutely stir-crazy with nothing to do. Loneliness is a powerful feeling and it makes me feel helpless and hopeless.

That's one of the reasons I'm blogging now. To keep my mind from straying off and being negative. It's one thing to talk about loneliness and quite another to actually experience it.

:(

I already miss him more than I can even explain. I feel a bit traitorous to be missing my boyfriend more than my family and home but my mom's coming to visit soon anyway for FIVE WEEKS so that's alright.

Fine. It's just an excuse. It sounds bad when said aloud, but I don't really miss my mom all that much while I'm at Melbourne. Of course I do love and care for her very much, but the feeling doesn't even come close to how I feel when I leave Sam behind, 7000 km away.

And I guess she understands. I never expected her to, but she does. She saw through my whole ploy of hating on Melbourne's laid-back lifestyle as the reason for wanting to stay in Malaysia after I graduate.

Well, she saw it for what it really was - I just don't want to be separated from him any longer, at any cost.

Of course I do love Melbourne. I love the food, most of the people and even the weather, bar the coldest part of winter and the days where it hits 35C+.

The ideal situation would be the both of us finding a job and working in Melbourne. Then we can be together and possibly have better career outlooks.

But then again, I'm realistic. There are slim to zero chances of him ever getting a job here without being a PR. Unless I get my PR and he moves in with me and be my defacto partner, or whatever you call it.

And that's not for many years to come. I shouldn't worry about it now anyway. I just miss him too much.

*tears*

I guess my blog has become much less interesting and much more emotional. But I'm sorry. People grow and change and I'm just going through that phase. :(

Maybe I should change my tune and tell a different story. Ok! That day, Sam, JK and I went to Blitzone with a couple other friends and it was CHOC ownage all over again.

Haha. That JK still got it wei. Aim_headshot awp 40+ kills then only pecah telur. IMBA.

And I got damn bored and cheeky when the guys were playing COD4 and I stuck to CS. I hosted an aim map and people all went to the opponent's team -___- But then 1v3 and I still won HAHA. With 100hp intact!

Then they all mutiny wei. They terus died and changed to my team, then I marah them to go back to their teams laaa. Scared lose to girl mehhh?

Then they all went back and I said now since 1v3 if they lose they have to chia me minum. They lost and they left game! CHEEBYEE. There goes my free drink wei :(

Then got one sohai, accuse me of changing map every time we're losing. I only change map upon request or if I get bored. Swt. And there was only ONE map change that occured while my team was losing. Kepoh sial the fella.

I scolded him and he changed name and rejoined the game. I scolded him summore. Damn thick skin lo. I said if he has a problem with my hosting capacilities come to pc3 and find me lor.

Then he diam diam and played.

Pfft. Behind computer screen only dare to talk la. Typical guys wei. -__-

Okay, not all guys la. But we normally attribute that kind of behaviour to the male population.

I'm afraid I'm starting to become lansi :(

To be fair, I'm only rude to people who are rude/sarcastic to me first or are clearly hacking.

But I fear one day I'm gonna get too big for my britches and an army of random enraged geeks are going to clobber me with their DeathAdders when my friends aren't there with me. D:

Fakkk. But I hate it when people get all snooty at me:

"Oh snowbunnie I heard you very pro d. Come 1v1 la!"

"Aiya, I've always been pro la. :)"

But dammit I'm not pro yet ok? You wanna see pro you go see people like itu Fery, JK, Josh, Peter they all la. Yes baby, you are pro too :)

I'm too emotional when I play. Sometimes, logic tells me not to rush but I'm too impatient and just want a reason to shoot someone so I just rush in impulsively and die. Lol :(

No self-control at all. And my walking skills are FAIL. I can still fall off ledges by mistake and walk into walls LOL.

I really don't know how I kill people one wei. I think I just happen to play with a bunch of noober people only, haha.

Played for 1.5 years and my bunniehop is mediocre at best. -_- In fact, I rarely do it at all for fear of getting laughed at by the people spectating me.

I can't control my AK spray unless I'm high wtf. That day came back from Maison and wallbang spray headshot 3 opponents. ~__~ Lucky or not? HAHA.

I can't throw flashbangs cause I'm too afraid of blinding my teammates. And I know how bloody irritating it is when that happens because JK's friend teamflashed me 4 times that day in Blitz. The worst part is that the enemy didn't kena at all wtf -_-

SEEE I'M EITHER WHINING ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND OR TALKING ABOUT GAMES.

No wonder no one enjoys my blog anymore! I'm sorry T__T We just have different interests gomenasai. :((

Anyway I'm going to shower and try to sleep now. Have to gaodim my uni stuff and insurance tomorrow and I'm meeting Amanda at 11 am. :) It's 5am already GG.

Good night people. Heeheeeee.

High jor

But I'm typing in complete darkness. :) Was at Maison with Viv and another friend Mandy tadi and I drank 3 shots of whisky and 1 mixed one.

Ahahahahahahhaa I a bit high but I'm still ok.

I miss my boyfriend sooooooooooo muchhhh. Where is heeee? Guys kept trying to dance with me all night and hug me and ruffle my hair but I damn lansi reject kao them. Smile, hold up my hand, shake my head and walk away.

I only want my Sam.

:(

And he's not here. My head is pounding like someone is whacking it repeatedly in a rhythmic motion and I can't sleep but I mm seh dak wake my darling boyfriend. Again.

Ahahaha I am such a geek. First thing I came home was webbie my bf, took a shower, washed up and...CS!

WTF.

I top frag tau. Don't play play. It's like drunken kung fu ok?

Bahahah I keep insulting oppo - lose to drunk girl HAHAHAH sei la leiiii. My ak can spray wallbang hs sapu whole team wtf I play better when high than when I'm sober, geng leh?

Bahahahah. Headache.

Drunken convo:

"I didn't brush my teeth, will you be angry at me? :(("

"Don't worry I also didn't brush my teeth."

"....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

Bahahaha my boyfriend so cute. And gross. But cute. I wish he could hug me right now.

OK I'm typing nonsense cause it's distracting me from my imba-ly pounding head.

Fuck tonight one fella tried to flirt with me by asking me to play CS with him. But he also flirting with Viv. Go die la. You all hamsup kia only..

I a bit high doesn't mean I'm promiscuous ok? I can still type and talk and walk and be loyal to my boy ok?

None of this YOU ARE SO CUTE nonsense. Fuck off laaaaa. I'm better than you. -_- Go away man. Despos.

Bahhh. I think I will go brush teeth so I have nice breath when I kiss my boyfriend to death tomorrow.

I miss him. And I missed the first time I drunkenly collapsed into his embrace almost exactly a year ago.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you and I'm freezing cold and I wish you were here to hug me to sleep like old times.

:) I love you.

I feel better now. Good night.

Long love alcohol-bunnie. I own you all. Noobs.

ARGHHH

SWALLOW SWALLOW SWALLOW SWALLOW SWALLOW.

Swallow that rage, that is.

So much pent up anger and I have no idea where it's from.

Play my musical box. Eat a chocolate. Play my favourite song. Anything to distract me from this all-consuming feeling of fury and helplessness.

Pms. FUCK YOU.

I can't control it. SUCKS BALLS!

Okay. Let's start being coherent. What have I been up to lately?

I tried dyeing my hair purple but despite 4 times the usual amount of bleach put for double the amount of time, my hair remained black as night. It did lighten however, over a few washes to a flaming reddish brown in the sunlight.

I...cut my fringe off, only to look a coconut-headed-lala which was PRECISELY the look I was trying to avoid at all costs. I even showed the hairdresser a picture of the bangs I wanted and she gave me a coconut head.

THANKS. But I am then customer and YOU are the hairdresser so you should pretty much follow my nice and specific instructions, no? NO!

And don't tell me to stop complaining about my hair. BLABLA IT'S FINE! IT'S NOT THAT BAD! YOU'RE WHINING ABOUT NOTHING!

Do you want YOUR hairstylist to dye your hair green if you asked for a honey blonde? Do you want YOUR hairstylist to shave you bald when you asked for a boycut?

MISCOMMUNICATION MY ARSE. When you're in the service industry I believe that communication is a VITAL part of it. And also, CUSTOMER SATISFACTION.

If I don't like my hair, I don't. OK? If you like it, by all means, go ahead and cut it like this. For me, however, the task of saving my fringe for MONTHS to cut nice long bangs was all WASTED in that one single, dreadful SNIP.

I can grow it back? HA! Of course I can. But I have to tolerate looking like some horse-faced tranny/lala for MONTHS before I get it back. You're not in my position so don't tell me to stop complaining.

The problem is, I asked for something I wanted so much and the hairstylist decided to give me something that I HATE so much, so I'm allowed to rage a bit, aren't I?

Oh. Yeah. I'm pretty much fucking pissed off at some FRIENDS who only talk to you when they want something from you. Go. And. Burn.

I'm not shutting myself away from the world. It's shutting me out, because I'm such a pathetic, difficult-to-please bitch who can't tolerate much stupidity.

Well, I don't know what people have been saying about me, but I would CERTAINLY appreciate it if you would talk to me about it first before deciding to treat me the way you do.

And to those who STILL insist on looking down on me for attending RMIT instead of Melbourne U or whatever fucking pro uni you want, fuck off. Ok? Get your fucking facts straight. RMIT may not be the best uni in Australia but it's still pretty fucking damn good in the only industry it DOES excel in, ok?

We designed the fucking iPod okay? How many of you own a bloody iPod? Lots of you teenies, I'd wager. So you're holding a very successful product from the alumni of RMIT, ok?

Well, I have nothing to say if you're a business or engineering student of RMIT. Those two fields are Melbourne Uni's territory and if you're doing that in RMIT it just screams 'MELB U REJECT,' sorry to say.

But whoever heard of MELBOURNE UNI DESIGNERS? It's NOT their field of expertise, ok? Maybe their architectural degree has very high standards, but it's the NAME that's important ok?

Doctor from Melbourne U? Whoa, excellent.

Designer from RMIT? Nice!

Reverse those and see how shitty it sounds.

And I could have easily gone into Melb U to study some other lowly profession just be a MELBOURNE UNI GRADUATE. But I'd rather graduate from the field I like, even though it's from a 'shabbier' university. I got a 87.75 TER while I was SLACKING and CUTTING CLASS the whole year at college, so I'll let you imagine how much better I could have done if I just put in a bit of effort.

And I didn't push myself in college year because IT and commerce are YAWNs to me. All I needed was my Year12 English qualification and off to the course of my dreams! And I DID make it into the course I wanted, 11 points above the average needed to get confirmed entry.

Why am I even trying to justify my choice of uni to you? If you don't agree, your mind is probably already so small and too rigid to be talked out of your OPINION. Yea, I'm wise on that 'its MY opinion so shut the hell up' thing you're selling.

Bah. Patronizing imbeciles.

Oh yeah, I'm also pretty bummed about the fact that Sam and I just spent our first Valentine's and anniversary together apart. Should there be a comma there? I don't care -_-

There goes my dreams of flowers showing up magically in the morning with my prince charming taking me out for a romantic stroll in a park (since KL is landlocked) and feeding me chocolate-dipped strawberries and all that romantic shit.

Oh well. I guess webcamming and phone calls will have to suffice, like it did for the majority of last year.

Sigh.

I wish I could be the type of girl who doesn't give a shit about girly things and thinks playing football with her boyfriend is the best date ever. But NOOOO. Aren't all girls suckers for romantic shit like love letters and hideously overpriced roses?

Bah! I had to look at my sister's and mom's ENORMOUS bouquets on the table for almost a week and I've had to tell myself: HELL YEAH I GOT A FUCKING AWESOME MOUSE! WHO CARES ABOUT SISSY ROSES?

BUT I WANT FLOWERS TOO! T__T I'M JEALOUS! I don't even like the smell of roses! But wouldn't it be great to say MY BOY GAVE ME ROSES HOW SWEET!

I'm sorry baby. I'M SO SO SORRY! T__T I love my mouse to bits and it's the awesomest thing ever and I shouldn't even DREAM about asking you for flowers. But but but...maybe when you next visit me you could pluck some of mom's flowers for the garden so I can swoon and thread them in my hair or something.

SHIT I'm such a spoilt girlfriend. Fuckfuckfuck. I'm sorry. -_- And I was kidding about the threading flowers in my hair part. It'll just get tangled and smelly.

:( Anyway to make it up to you, I've bought you an awesome possum present that I'm SURE YOU WILL LOVE! Maybe I should strip naked and dance around to make it even better.

(Har. Har. I'm kidding...I can't dance.)

I'm going back to Australia. Gotta meet new people. Gotta tahan the stupid hot and cold weather. Gotta leave the brightest part of my life behind. I DON'T WANNA LEAVE YOU!

T__T

I don't wanna do any schoolwork. I don't wanna wake up early for class. I don't wanna be aloooooooone.

HAIZ.

Okay I go play CS with gaykay now since I haven't seen him for so long.

Bai.

Home

I'm back from Miri. The trip went by all too fast. There were good parts and bad parts, but on the whole, I enjoyed it immensely. I can't wait for our next trip together. :)

Just when I thought I found out what love is, my whole understanding of the matter is revoked.

I guess I'm still young and naive. But at least I'm learning.

I thought love meant being willing to do everything for someone, unconditionally and without complaint. Maybe it meant living together peacefully without arguments.

But I don't know. If you asked me a couple of months ago, while our relationship was still in the honeymoon phase, I'd say I'd do anything to be with him.

I'd even consent to marrying him (albeit many years later.)

But now, if you asked me the same question, I cannot answer. I mean I would love to settle down with him and perhaps spend the rest of our years together. However, if you asked me whether I would give up my education or my family or my home for him, I would definitely hesitate.

Would I give up my chances of dating other boys while I was young? Would I cease all reckless activities to appease him? Would I accept that I would be with him and only him until the end?

Answering yes to those questions would be lying. And I don't like to lie.

It seems ridiculous to think of settling down at such a young age. But we will have to think about it sooner or later, so what's wrong with wondering about it now?

How do you know when the person is the one? I know I sound like a shitty low-budget rom-com but I do think about it.

I always said I'd never consider dating anyone unless I'm serious about the person. But when things get too serious too soon, I'll never get to know all the other people that I've passed over.

I don't want to date another guy. But I hate the idea that I'll never be able to.

What if I had chosen to leave Malaysia without giving Sam a go? Would I still have been single, or would I have found someone else?

I don't want someone else, but the 'could have' of the whole situation is bothering me.

What if I had dated someone else, and Sam had become my 'could have'? Would I have never known him? Would I have chosen to stay with the first boy that I love so much, if I knew that there's someone I could love more?

I feel selfish. I suppose I am selfish.

But would it be traitorous if I said I'd want to date other people before I settled down?

If it was meant to be, we'd get back together right?

I don't even know why I'm thinking about this when there is no other guy I would even consider dating now. Maybe I overanalyse. I know people have said that I think too much for my own good. But that's the way I am and if I were to stop and be an airhead like they wanted me to be, I'd be an entirely different person altogether.

I'm jeopardizing my perfect relationship with a perfect guy for a whole bunch of 'what if's and 'could have been's in my head.

I'm an idiot.

But I guess I'm just scared of commitment. I can't lay down plans for the future without knowing there are alternative routes I can take.

I'm afraid of not having a choice.

I feel that I'm not good enough...I'm not putting enough heart into making this relationship work. He says he is willing to wait for me if I ever wish to wade into the dating pool and experience other things.

But I feel that this is a selfish thing for me to do, using him as a fallback option while I go out and have the 'time of my life'. I could never ask him to wait for me forever. I'd rather he find some other girl that could truly make him happy than ask him to wait for me just so that I'd be happy.

I'd rather lose him to another than see him suffer.

I can't set my thoughts straight.

I need him but I expect him to be at my beck and call. I don't want to leave him but I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life not knowing what could have been. I don't want to stay with him just because I'm afraid no one else will want me.

I'm an emotional, insecure, jealous and traitorous wreck. But I do know one thing: Whatever love means, I know I love him.

I will never leave him. I've decided that I'd rather go a lifetime without knowing the other paths I could have taken than seeing him hurt again.

No I don't need a break.

I just need you.

My ranting may confuse you, but it helps me sort my emotions out. Emotional diarrhea.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

Please let's start over again?