Retail Therapy

Went shopping with Amanda and Jen on Friday after school, although I felt physically and emotionally exhausted. After all, isn't shopping the miracle female cure-all? (Although it's likely to be only temporary; effect reversed after checking your bank balance.)

Bought very un-Stephanie like clothes to wear back in Malaysia. Can't wear them now cause it's still cold out and the clothes are bloody thin/short.

Bought:

A casual plain black strapless cotton summer dress - $7.50

Description is deceiving. So long but the dress is plain nia.

A pair of shorts in a beautiful bluey-green with minimal magenta trim - $8

Most expensive but it fits me so well I couldn't help it. I'm still a US size 0 -_- Amanda wanted it and found it initially so I felt a bit bad running off with it gleefully but it wasn't her size anyway oh well.

2 thin cotton halter tops with lace trim at the bottom - 2 x $5 = $10

I started showing interest in halter/sleeveless tops once I discovered putting on weight hid most of my awful poky collarbones. I still look skinny but not emaciated anymore so whattheheck lots of Msians are skinny anyway so why can't I wear them also?

Bought one white one black and I love them, though I have no idea what to wear them with.

A silver and black hairband - $3

Don't normally wear elastic hairbands cause they normally give me headaches, but this was so pretty and cheap and $2.95 - yea fell for the 'didn't round up' marketing shit - and I could share it with Den anyway so it's worth it.

2 sets of bikini ties - 2 x $1 = $2

So pointless but so cute! They're actualy bikini ribbons that you add on to your bikini - 1 in the middle of the top and 1 for each side of the bottom. Decoration ma.

Then I totally forgot that my bikini bottom is the skirt type and so I couldn't tie them on anyway. =_= And also the top was too thick and the ribbon couldn't go round BLABLABLA abcde.

Tied them on Sheepy and Butt and they look adorable so whatever la. Can put on my new hairband also haha.

And.....

That brings the total amount of damage of to: $30.50

But I rounded up most of the prices so it's likely to be 29-something.

So much stuff for under $30! I damn pro wei. I calculated the shit without discount (also rounded up) and it totals $157

Got mom's jeans genes la. :)

A while back I also bought a beautiful off-white spring coat for $20 and knee-high faux leather boots for $40.

HAPPY STEPH! :D

Luckily I have Amanda who's willing to shop all the time and actually buys stuff instead of looking.

Shopping alone or with a relentless window-shopper = a bit sien after a while.

Yay for Amanda! Yay for shopping!

Bwahahaha.

Why is it when people lose sleep over work, over family, over filial obligations, over studies, I stay up til the wee hours in the morning crying over personal issues?

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm just fucking wasting my mom's money by being such a horrible, lazy student and choosing to spend my time doing things that I KNOW will only end up hurting me. My studies. My health. Friends. Loved ones.

I feel stupid.

I feel ugly.

I feel useless, worthless, filthy and ungrateful.

I shouldn't be here, but I can't sleep.

I'm lonely.

Blah blah blah

Random event #1:

I went to Hungry Jack's (Aussie version of Burger King) with Amanda for late lunch a few days ago and saw a homeless man enter the restaurant and start rummaging around plastic bags and trash.

He bent down to pick something up and his pants fell around his butt! AHHH!

And he was wearing thongs!

DOUBLE AHHH!

No no no no T_T My retina has been scarred.

He just pulled it up nonchalantly and continued his forage for treasures.

Den said maybe that's the only underwear he's got and I felt a bit bad. He's a homeless guy after all. But if I were homeless and found a random g-string lying around I'd rather go commando than have a dirty piece of cloth wedged between my butt cheeks.

I wonder how his balls felt? :S

Random event #2:

I went to watch Katy Perry on Friday night (tix were a bday present from Den) with Den and Amanda and there were these 2 HUGE - okay 6 foot 2 at least - guys with their small entourage of girls/girlfriends standing next to Amanda.

During Hot n Cold the guy started getting aggressive and dancing around wildly, swinging his shoulders and stepping back and forth.

Poor Amanda got pushed around until she abandoned her spot and went to stand between me and Den.

Of course, that left that huge lunk of meat right next to me.

He starting knocking me around, so I tapped his shoulder. He had the audacity to turn around, give me a huge smirk and proceed to rock left and right even more vigorously, completely obscuring my view from the stage by swinging into my line of sight.

I gave him a small push as warning and he shoved his shoulder into my face. Assfuck.

Then I gave up reasoning with the complete idiot and grabbed him from the back by his shoulders and shoved him as hard as I could out of my way.

He was obviously freaking heavy - he had a build like those smaller rugby players - but I think I caught him by surprise and he stumbled slightly and banged into Huge Guy #2 next to him.

He whirled around and did that fucking obnoxious wannabe gangsta head jerk. Tilting his chin forward in that COME LA gesture. Then he held out his arms and curled his fingers, obviously beckoning for a fight.

Now do you see something wrong here?

Relatively small and skinny Asian girl being physically challenged by this huge lunk of fucking retarded angmoh meat. (Not that I'm trying to be racist, but emphasizing the whole size and gender problem)

Asshole.

I just glared at him and he glared back, attempting to be intimidating. (Oh please la)

I knew I'd won when he looked back to his other huge friend for reassurance. I leaned right into his fugly face and said "Please."

I stared for a few more seconds until he backed off and continued to enjoy the concert, sans violence.

A few seconds later I could sense, out of the corner of my eye, that he was facing me and staring. I looked at him and he gave me this huge grin and started headbanging.

I stared, perplexed and he gave me the thumbs up while leering at me.

I ignored him and he never came within 6 inches of me again that night.

Eventually his girlfriend swapped places with him so there was no more problems.

-_- Fucking retarded guys who think they bully others because of their size.

Go die la chiucheepet.

Random event #3

Today some guy msn-ed me asking "are you a girl?"

I replied with a blunt "who are you?"

I don't remember how he got on my msn list and I don't take kindly to strangers inquiring about my sex.

He asked whether I was a Garena player and I said yes.

Then he reaffirmed his stupidity by repeating "are you a girl?"

WELL I DON'T KNOW, DOES STEPHANIE SOUND REMOTELY MASCULINE TO YOU?

I asked him whether it even matters and who he was.

He then told me he was Kentz[Ans] on Garena, and did I know him?

I responded by telling that yes, a very long time ago but I quit dota. (Not completely, but to avoid further nosiness)

Silence for a while then:

"I'm a channel admin on Garena."

"Yea?"

"?"

"I mean, yea, and?"

"k..."

And he signed off.

WTF? Since when does a fucking bribable, USELESS rank on an internet gaming platform become a chick magnet?

Fucking obnoxious guys who can't even answer a simple question and tell you their name yet keep badgering you just because you're a girl.

Fuck off wei. Get a life.

If you wanna get laid, get off the fucking internet and stop masturbating to ultra kills and rampages.

Just a suggestion.

My god. Guys nowadays suck.

(Most.)

6 months :D:D

Yes we made it! Sounds like a long, hard journey doesn't it?

Well, it was. Long and hard and emotional.

And I'm making myself sound overly dramatic again. :/

Happy 6 months together Sammy! <3

He's currently employed by my mommy, working 12 hours a day at Pavilion selling jewellery. I'm really happy that he has a job now, even if it's only for a month. Although I'm battling anxiety attacks over the fact that I'm going to spend time with him online only once a week now, I know it's great that he's getting on his feet :')

All this makes me wonder what it'll be like at the end of the year when he has probably found a steady job and will be working from 9 to 5.

It never occurred to me that I won't be able to spend as much time with him as I did in those 2 blissful weeks in July. :| It also never occurred to me that our 5 year age gap meant that he will be working already while I'm still studying and immersed in assignments.

Will we have enough time for each other?

I would really like to be selfish and have both of us stay up til wee hours in the morning just to see each other - bad enough that we're physically 7000km apart, but to be emotionally cut off would be devastating for me.

Sadly, I can't allow myself to be selfish. After all, I have a responsibility as a daughter to do the best I can in my studies and not waste mom's money sending me to Melbourne to study by choosing to talk to my boyfriend over assignments.

And I cannot let him stay up late to the point where he has insufficient sleep and feel miserable and the job, and perhaps eventually fall sick.

I cannot I cannot.

I mustn't be selfish. :(

Now I'm just praying that somehow we'll both be happy, even with only a few hours we have together. I think I'm just taking it too hard because over the past 6 months I have grown accustomed to his company.

Now I find it hard, or awkward, to strike up a conversation with others. Perhaps I've been too lost in my little cloud of bliss and forgot how to live my life as me - as an individual.

It strikes me as pathetic that I can't go a single day without seeing him without feeling miserable.

I love him so much, even more with each passing day, but it is vital that I find myself again.

I hope that his one month stint as a salesman will teach me to be independent once again. :)

After all, he didn't fall in love with a needy, clingy girl. I am determined to return to the person I was when I met him - secure, emotionally stable and ABLE to have fun without taking everything too seriously.

Hehe. I'm doing this because I love you Sam. I hope you will support me while I hunt for my former self. I know I've been an emotional hurricane recently and god knows I'm feeling extremely confused and panicky over things I'm not even sure about.

In the past 6 months, you have been the best boyfriend - better than anything I have ever fantasized about having, and I want to reciprocate this by being myself - the one you fell in love with and not some creepy, warped version of her.

I don't want you to feel cheated :)

Long-distance is wearing me down, but it will never break me.

Because you are so much more significant than a paltry 7000 km.

You mean the world to me and I do love you that much. :D

You still have my heart.

Happy 6 months baby.

Drowning

Awww have been feeling pretty crappy lately.

Relatively crappy la, since I'm normally your regular enviable ray of sunshine.

*glows*

I'm still stuck with my holiday sleeping habits - 3 am on weekdays and 7.30 am on weekends. As a result I get hardly any daylight and what with the sun setting at 5 something (winter) I'm officially a vampire.

Doesn't help that the only daylight I ever see is when I'm walking to uni and during lunchtime. By the time I walk home the sun is almost gone edi.

They say sunlight produces happy hormones. I agree.

I feel like I've been the worst student, worst daughter, worst girlfriend, worst friend lately.

I'm not throwing myself into my schoolwork. Feel like I have no more motivation. When I'm actually doing it, I enjoy it. But the trouble is getting myself to START working. Sam can attest to that. God knows he's seen my imba procrastination skills.

I set aside the whole of Sunday to do my homework, and I started it at 11.30 pm.

Not to mention being snappy at mom, distant from my friends and being outright clingy to my boyfriend.

Sigh. I'm having insane mood swings lately, from cheerful to tearful in a mere handful of seconds.

This can't be normal. I'm sorry to all those who are affected.

Slowly, I'm turning into the kind of girlfriend I had always hated. Clingy, whiny and tearful. My god, sometimes I'm like a scene out of a lalafied version of a HK drama.

I'm sorry, I just feel a bit lost here - it feels like a belated bout of homesickness. Surprising, seeing how well I accepted my new environment at the start of the year.

I was thriving and happy and glowing.

Now I'm the epitome of misery.

Sleepless nights. Nightmares. My weight has plummeted from a 49 to 45 in less than 2 weeks. I fell sick and lost my appetite. I feel like throwing up most of the time for no reason. Teachers say I look completely miserable and keep asking whether I'm alright.

I've lost confidence in my abilities and in myself.

Suddenly I feel completely inept in my class although I still scored near the top. I feel like a complete idiot when playing CS or DotA. I feel alternately happy and depressed when talking to my boyfriend.

Talk about a nutcase.

Sometimes I wonder when he'll wake up and realise I'm a total airhead and my happy dream will come to an end and I'll be all alone like I was before he came along.

Some days I wonder whether I'm really on the right track doing art. I feel like my brain cells are slowly dying when I find I can't add 18 and 13 without using my fingers.

Teenage angst and hormones. Now I finally understand what they mean.

I know I'm acting unreasonably, but somehow I can't help it.

It's like I've lost control of myself and my emotions. There was a time where I hardly cried and just indulged in some self mutilation when I felt emotional.

Now I cry like every other day.

Wtf. I feel like a burden on my boyfriend. It's not his job to babysit a possibly bipolar person. I used to pride myself on being independant and capable of managing my emotions, but now I've transformed into some sort of leech. Draining away his energy in a desperate bid to keep myself alive.

Pathetic.

The worst nightmare is turning into something you despise and feeling unable to stop the tranformation.

Must get a grip. Now.

Before I lose everything I love.

Before I lose myself.

I miss home.

I miss my boyfriend.

I miss having to worry about nothing at all.

I miss being free of panic attacks and paranoia.

I miss being completely sane.

...Where did I go?