Holidays!

Finally handed in the dumb animatic.

I'm happy that I've finally gotten myself acquainted with my tablet, which has been sleeping behind my laptop for months. I'm still not very good with it yet, and I'm not very familiar with most features of Photoshop so we have to wait a while until I start painting really nice stuff.

: )

My sleeping hours are screwed up again, thanks to an extra long CS session yesterday. Went to bed after 8 am wtf. I was awake 24 hours already by then, with 2 hours sleep the night before.

Met more people who said I'm pretty, but although I beam at their comment, I still feel ugly. Figures. Childhood memories don't fade that fast.

It's funny to see how differently people treat you when you get your braces off, grow your hair out and have your skin cleared up by a professional torturer aka facialist.

It almost feels like it's cheating - paying for people to treat you nicer, right?

In essence, I'm still the same person who sits berkangkang, with unwashed hair and drools in her sleep.

Of course, I'm not complaining that people tend to treat me better now, especially guys. However, online appearances are always deceiving, and I'm afraid if any of my online friends see me in real life they will run away screaming OMG UGLYYY! D:

Well. It hasn't happened yet, but who knows? But a better question would be, why do I care?

I mean I like my face enough, although it's not perfect. I have slightly lopsided eyes, a big nose with a slight bump, thin lips, straight eyebrows, seriously crooked bone structure and messy wavy hair.

Some days I wish I had a symmetrical face, a dainty ski-slope nose, full lips, and long, straight, shiny hair but then I'd look like every other 'pretty' girl out there.

I want to be pretty, but I want to be special at the same time. What a pity most people's notion of beauty is the same - which makes you inexplicably boring to look at after the first 'wah so pretty!'

But then I want a lot of things.

I want to be pretty.

I want to be a fantastic artist.

I want to be a kick-ass gamer.

I want to be a filial daughter.

I want to be a dedicated girlfriend.

I want to be a loyal friend.

I want to be a good person.

And I want to stand out in everything I do, but sadly, I fall short of almost everything (maybe everything) and sometimes it just seems like everyone is better than you, no matter what it is that you want to do.

And my most shameful shortcoming? Giving up. I surrender at the first sign of losing.

I can't stand to see myself losing a fair fight, so I stop trying - some twisted way of deceiving myself. 'I'm not losing, I just slacking.'

When I was young, I wanted so many things.

I wanted to be respected, adored, feared. I wanted to be a vet and save lives of animals. I wanted to be a scientist, a mathematician, a rockstar.

Now I can narrow down my list to the aforementioned 7 desires.

I used to crave excellence, but wanted to seem like I wasn't really trying.

I ended up REALLY not trying. And subsequently failing. Then saying 'of course I can do better, I just can't be bothered.'

Fail fail fail.

I remember when I was in standard 1 and I had a 100% percent average. I was head of the class, and everyone knew me and everyone wanted to be on my good side.

I was an ugly kid I guess. But when you're 7, looks don't matter. I don't remember what I was like, or what quality I had that drew people to me but anyhow it's gone now!

I'm not sure exactly when the decline started...I guess when I switched schools and started over in standard 5. I was insecure, gangly, horrible at chinese with a 'yang ren' face (Westerner, not goat. Please man.)

And OH what a crime - I liked to read. Instantly labeled nerd. Yay happy happy. Coupled with the fact that I was one of the 6 PTS students from that year...oh my god. Not to mention my salad bowl and specs and buck teeth and knobbly knees.

LOL. Even typing it out makes me laugh. What a pathetic mental image right?

I guess it was then I wanted to be 'effortlessly' smart. There's a different feeling between getting good results out of hard work, and getting good results just cause you're 'smart like that.'

I guess you feel like a genius for a second there. But it got worse...when I started secondary I already felt so alienated by my peers it was just sad. And I STILL liked to read and I refuse to give it up. Why should I give it up because people think it's nerdy or snobbish?

-_- I like to read, sudahlah. Judgemental pricks.

I was at my most antisocial point in life then. I felt like everyone was judging me. From the way I looked to the way I walk and the things I say (or don't say.) I still remember that Siew Lei told me she could still remember her first impression of me - even now!

I was doing a hamtaro impression - munching jagung. Wtf? HAHA. And I still had my adorable buckteeth then, to enhance the hamster effect.

Starting secondary changed me. I was no longer an outstanding student. From being top of the year in english, maths and BM (omg I can't believe I was a BM star student in primary) I was just...average.

Part of me felt relieved that I wouldn't be singled out for my 'nerdiness' any more, but part of me felt disappointed that I was no longer one of the best.

And I slacked. Boy, did I slack. I still can't believe I could DotA throughout SPM. I see my gaming kakis quit gaming for their exams, and I couldn't do even that. I remember playing until past midnight and going to sit for a paper 7 hours later.

Results day was a painful day for me. I finally realise that the 'effortlessly' excelling thing wasn't working out for me. I remember sitting in the hall, praying (ridiculously) that I could somehow manage 9 As. And when my name wasn't called I hoped (stupidly) for 8 As.

And when my name STILL wasn't called, my heart just plummeted, and I realised omg what the fuck have I been doing?

And then I went to college and didn't qualify for the Taylor's scholarship/subsidy that required a minimum of 8As/7A1s.

I remember looking at my results - 7As/6A1s and cursing the government for letting me get A2 on Bio and costing me the grant.

Bio was a subject I aced! A1 through Form 4 and 5 and I got an A2 when I needed it the most? What the hell?

Then I realised it wasn't the government's fault that I didn't get my scholarship (though the education system is still horribly biased and stupid.) It was my fault for not working hard enough.

I'm pretty goddamned sure I could have been a straight A student if I really tried. But I was still in that dumb fantasy that being smart and not investing any hard work would be sufficient to carry me through life easily.

Although my results are pretty fucking good for someone who barely studied (lowest were B3s), I know my family were very disappointed in me. My mom said it was alright, as long as I tried my best she was alright with my results.

Tried my best? PFFT. I barely tried. I failed Add Maths and Chemistry through secondary and only deigned to catch up less than a month before SPM.

I'm so lucky to even have Abigail who was kind enough to give me a crash course in so many subjects - history, chem, and add maths - while she also had to study. AND she got straight As.

I feel so ashamed. At the time I felt proud that I scored that much without studying, but I just feel dumb.

Although it wasn't of much consequence (besides losing the Taylor's money) I still feel like a loser.

College was the same. I stoned and slept my way through college. =__= I spent more time playing at Ftz than being in english and accounts class.

See. Got evidence. The whole row was my classmates, lol.

I kept telling myself that I was smart and I would survive college and uni and eventually the workforce.

I reluctantly applied for the RMIT scholarship after my mom bugged me about it. I was so lax about myself that I didn't even trust myself to apply for a scholarship even when I had nothing to lose. I didn't believe I could get it. I had lost so much confidence in myself by then.

Then, a letter came. I got it. I GOT IT! My mom was literally dancing around with joy, and I realised that since my sweep of trophies and passing the PTS in standard 3, I have achieved virtually NOTHING in the previous 8 years.

What a pathetic, slacking slob this promising kid had become. I could only imagine how hurt my parents must have been to see all that lost potential.

Foundation year in RMIT was the best year for me. It was the year that reminded me how good it felt to have hard work pay off AND how satisfying it felt to know that you had truly done your best.

I graduated with a high distinction average (81) and I hadn't felt better in years.

This year, I slacked a little in Semester 1. Was dealing with a fair amount of homesickness and had to deal with difficult teammates and some shit. However, I am determined to do my best this semester. :)

It's the holidays, and I'm heading back to the games lab to work. ^__^

Maya here I come :D

I blogged this post across almost 10 hours. So if you missed the point...you probably didn't cause I don't know what the point was supposed to be either.

Friends

Friends are like lovers. Friends are like family.

You love them, you love your family, you love your partner.

I'd like to think our heart has a different compartment for each type of relationship, and with them, a different kind of love.

Which is why I find it ridiculous to force someone to choose between a friend, a lover, or family.

Those types of questions - if you could only save one from drowning, who would it be? Your bf/gf or your mother?

Or statements like 'waaa now got bf don't wanna come watch movie with us d, what kind of friend are you?'

Stupid la. I mean of course when you get a boyfriend/new friends, you will have less time to spend with your family. And of course, when a new movie comes out and every party wants to take you out, you can either:

1. Go out with your friends. Movie time is girl time right?

2. Go out with your boyfriend. Movie time is paktor time right?

3. Go with your family. Movie time is family bonding time right?

4. Go with everyone together. Movie time is awkward time right?

5. Go watch the movie three time. Movie time is wallet-bleeding time right?

6. DON'T WATCH THE DAMNED MOVIE DAMMIT!

So as you can see. Lose-lose-lose situation either way. -.-

You know how to rectify this? Guess what, YOU can't. Your friends, partner and family just have to learn to share.

There's just one of you, after all. It's not like there 1 Stephanie when she's born, then for each friend she makes, she splits in half and multiplies like a bloody social amoeba. -_-

Okay, I'm not complaining about my family/friends/bf - I've pretty much struck the jackpot so far; they're all not pissy about sharing time.

Almost all anyway. A couple of them just give me a hard time over it. Sigh. As people say, if you really care, you won't make them choose.

Takkan you wanna become like those soap opera siew je...I TIAO LOU NOW YOU SAVE ME OR NOT? IF YOUR MOTHER FALLING YOU SAVE HER OR ME AH? YOU CHOOSE LA! I DON'T THINK YOU LOVE ME LOR!

Okay, not as dramatic but pretty much the same situation. Either way you're breaking your friend's heart and setting yourself up to be let down - unless your friend picks you over someone else la. Then your poor friend is gonna eat shit from the other party, if the other party behaves like you.

Childish and selfish.

Sigh. But even so, I still sayang my friends la. So many of them have changed over the years.

Some of them blossomed as they grew up, but some are like trainwrecks - and I've got a first-class ticket to watch them crash headfirst into life.

It sucks knowing that you can't do shit about it. Even though they are your friends, you can only help them to some extent.

And it is especially difficult to help someone who you think needs help when THEY think they are perfectly fine. And you'd just come off as some righteous piece of do-gooder shit.

But if I don't do anything, I'm wrecked by guilt and worry that something might happen and one day I'll think that I didn't try hard enough - even though at this point I sincerely believe I have.

I guess the best decision is just keep my nose out of other people's business.

Their life is not my life. I have no right to dictate what they choose to do. And if I can't influence them positively, then I probably wasn't a very good friend to start with. :) But I can't help caring about them anyway, no matter how much they've changed.

Every person you've known has helped shape your life in some way or other - be it significant or nearly negligibly. So, in a way they're still part of who I am, and I am a part of their life too.

Fucking cheesy. But I believe that this is true.

Enough about the sad cases. I'm so happy that some of my friends have grown up into happy people.

...Wtf I sound like a clucky mother hen.

That said, I only have a handful of people I still care about. Some of them have found their way, some are lost, some are happy, some are confused...but we're still young.

The time I posted on fb that I wished everyone I knew happiness - whether I loved or hated them - I wasn't high.

I really do.

Cause I guess whatever happens, as long as you have some hope or joy in life that you can hold on to...you're never lost.

I'd like to thank my friends who have supported me and moulded me into who I am today.

Those who have listened to my rants.

Those who gave advice - stupid or useful, it doesn't matter.

Those who dragged me out to experience new things.

Thank you.

I love you :)

One day, we may grow apart so much that we barely keep in touch at all, but I'm always here.

Always. Unless, of course, I'm dead. CHOI.

*hugs 4x4 wooden plank*

I may not give sound advice.

I may not respond the way you want me to.

I may not be the person you want listening to your problems.

But I will. And if you really trust me, you know I will. :)

Okay. I'm done with my sappiness. (Look what a sentimental creature I've grown to be! *claps*)

Did you like this post more than my emo/game posts?

Hmm.

*showers thoughtfully*

You hackerlicious babe :D

Note: Non-gamers should probably skip this post unless extremely bored and enjoys reading through piles of gaming jargon and references :)


I was reading through some CS clan blogs earlier and it was mind-boggling to see how seriously they take gaming. @__@

It was rather amusing to see how people start to use proper grammar and punctuation when they start to argue or get a point across. I mean it's good la, that people are finally speaking properly...but sai mm sai so serious ah?

We're mostly (if not all) Malaysians so there shouldn't be any issue with communicating in rojak language right? I actually noted this 'I must gain the upper hand and win my argument by sounding more intelligent' behaviour years ago on the Neoboards (Neopets forums) when I was 12 or so.

But anyway, where there are games, there will always be hackers. And I will never trust any player until I have watched the person play in front of me (most likely in a cc.)

The only Garena CS players I've met and played with in person are my boyfriend (of course, mister kamona,) JK, Fery, Fezor, Noobster, and Alex (actnoob.)

And even though a number of them fong shui when we played, they're definitely as good as they seem online.

If I haven't met and played with someone in real life or at least get to know their personality better, I never trust the person 100%. Sure, there are some that I trust more than others (I love you Hely <3) but sometimes I even doubt friends - because some people are just not who they seem online.

In my opinion, I have one of the worst playing styles I have ever seen, and people still manage to accuse me of hacking. I have rarely gone a day without being forcibly removed (ha ha nice way of saying kicked) from a server after being diu-ed gaogao.

And with 300+ ping too.

This just leads me to believe that the population of noobs are increasing by the day.

When people accuse me of walling (the most common accusation) I normally laugh it off, but somehow I get super pissed off if someone says my boy is hacking.

It is unacceptable! I'm not sure why I'd feel so indignant for someone else and not myself, but I think it's because I see him as a very good and efficient player and it is TOTAL injustice that he gets accused of being a noob...when I'm just sub-par, the accusations don't mean very much.

Even though he's my boyfriend, I'm sometimes in awe when he's teaching me new tricks or techniques (wtf fangirling -.-)

But anyway, back to this new generation of players that inherited the Garena we left behind. :'(

Most of them suck, a LOT of them are hacking (heat-seeking bullets anyone?), and almost everyone kicks either me or my bf out of games.

It is nearly impossible to have a decent game together. If either one of us hosts, they get pawned and leave so there's no one left to play with.

I've even been banned for teasing a host about his recoil control script. And I was being nice already! (Note: 'teasing' not 'scolding') D: And don't even try to tell me you're not hacking when you have 0 recoil - not even the jerky recoil that some scripts have, but your crosshair DOES NOT MOVE UP AT ALL.

And then the hacker's friend has the cheek to come and add me on facebook because I'm a girl! Wtf?

One day, this little boy, Anand, hosted and I joined anonymously - I didn't even know it was him at first. I went in...and was scolded and kicked on the first round.

What happened was, I joined late and my teammates all died early on - the last one at alley doors. So, I jogged out through the stairs and started walking from the catwalk, heading towards the doors.

I just reached the doors, preparing to jump around and check the corner when I heard a knife being drawn. Immediately I swung around, banged the door and BOOM headshot on little Anand.

'hacker. he knows i'm there wtf'

*KICKED*

Well, excuse me, but what the fuck? -.- At least do me the courtesy of spectating me before you make a judgement and kick.

And I hope he was just drawing the knife for fun - if not the little creep is certainly hacking because I walked all the way from catwalk, so there's no way he could have heard me. The timing was too sweet to be a coincidence.

I rejoined, explained that I heard his knife - to be met with more cries of 'hacker!' and being kicked again. I promptly fired off a message to him on facebook (he just added my bf as a friend) telling him to not simply kick people.

He responded by cursing me out...then apologizing the very next minute.

LOL. Bipolar much? This was when he added me as a buddy on facebook, which I ignored. My boyfriend got home, heard the story and promptly deleted him. (He was bugged by curious Anand the previous day about his CS life, clan and so on.)

Good on him for apologizing, but still, wtf? This just shows how people never treat everyone fairly - Anand just suddenly decided I wasn't a hacker after all after he discovered who I am.

I guess names are important, as well as reputation.

Especially clans. If I even suspect/find one member of a clan hacking, the whole clan is dirty to me. I don't immediately accuse them of hacking, but they will always remain fishy to me.

And especially if someone starts cursing me out or talking behind my back, the whole clan is pretty much dead to me. Like Nova, I used to be sort of chummy with some of them, until a couple of their members set me up by asking me to mixmatch with them while I was in Melbourne (lagging), and proceeded to curse and taunt me 'noob, retarded' and etc through the mic for the whole game.

What the..huh? I was stunned nearly speechless when that happened. I was pissed off at first, but now it just seems rather ridiculous and childish to me. Sure, I may not be the best player and I have never claim to be. If anything, random people/friends are the ones saying I'm 'pro' and all that shit -  not me. The only thing I take pride in is being a clean player from the start (2 years ago.)

I have my on days, I have my off days. I still fall off ledges, trip over boxes, bunniehop into walls (if I can even get my bunniehop going) and I can do really retarded things sometimes (like blind myself, which is why I don't use flashbangs - watanoob.)

But yes, I am capable of playing properly if I want and have the mood to. And I dare say much better than most of the retarded newbies that are pouring into Garena recently. I once did a 1v3 in a new map in a cc and came out with a clean score - the guys who I joked with to buy me drinks if I won mysteriously vanished after ganging up to pawn me.

But sometimes, a game is just a game is just a game. Why should I put my heart and soul into something that won't last forever?

Sure, I get really pissed off if I don't improve at something, or make stupid mistakes. But everyone does, and this does not only apply to gaming - but to every other aspect in life, be it work, studies, or relationships.

But in the end, CS is just CS. Why take everything so seriously? My cousins used to maphack in DotA, and I still talk to them. I don't give them the cold shoulder for hacking and I certainly don't curse them out or ridicule them for doing so.

But blood relations and friends are one thing, and strangers online are another. If I don't know you and you're hacking, well, sucks for you cause you ain't ever gonna be respected by me.

Today, my boy suggested that I start doing more 1v1s with good players. I used to balk at that suggestion, saying that there's no point since I'm going to lose anyway.

But now I realise that the point of doing that is not for the glory or satisfaction of winning - it's for the opportunity to learn from others and practice.

Maybe I'll start taking up those challenges I've always shied away from. No one likes to lose, but there will always be a loser (unless there's a tie ;p)

So, anyone up for teaching me some good stuff? And by teaching I don't mean bullying me and then gloating about your victory. I always appreciate pointers :) That day my cute little oli did a 1v1 with me and taught me how to tap an ak.

He let me win (talk about super fong shui -.-) but I guess I still got used to tapping an ak - which was the whole point anyway. 

Basically, what I learned today was: We may never be good enough - but we must always try, or we will never be : )

You are all fucking fat

FINE LA. Fat ass obese people.

Keep saying so fat so fat omg I'm getting fatter and fatter. FINE. YOU WIN. YOU ARE A FUCKING FAT ASS.

So. I was joking around today. I noticed I had grey crecents on the white of my eyes. Being worried, I googled the symptoms and came up with 2 conclusions:

1. Pigmentation. I have new moles on my eyes. (Yes I already have several small ones, the opthalmologist tells me.)

2. Build up of fat in my eyes. An indication of high cholesterol - which I have, according to my last 2 blood tests.

I joked on facebook that I've gained weight - I now have fat eyes!

And boohoo, suddenly I'm such an irritating person, mocking everyone's fatness and showing off how gorgeously skinny I am!

Yea yea you all wanna be skinny like me is it?

Doesn't it even bother you slightly that I'm 173.5 cm tall and weigh around 46 kg?

There was another chart given out in PE class in secondary that had an extra class...my BMI was classified under 'starvation - seek medical attention.'

This is the size of my arm:

It's not even 3 fucking cm wide. And do you see that bone popping out? It's disgusting, but it's been like this since I was 7. My 4 year old niece has bigger arms than me.

I know, you all say JUST EAT LA, so hard meh? Well for one, I do not enjoy food. I am not anorexic by far, but I definitely eat to live, not live to eat.

Most food tastes bland to me. The only thing I adore are candy, chocolates and anything sweet. Basically kiddie food. French fries and all that high-cholesterol junk.

Even though I don't enjoy 'proper' meals, I still take them - lunch, dinner and supper. Unless the food is REALLY delicious to me - which is rare - for me having meals is like a kid eating an endless plate of veggies. It's disgusting and it never seems to end, but I eat it anyway because it's good for me.

For you 'fatties' I can say just stop eating la, fucking easy to solve. Talk talk complain complain just stop fucking eating la. You say no...obesity is a disease, I didn't choose to have it. Or 'I love food too much it's too hard to control!'

Well, sucks for you. You hate NOT eating and I hate eating. Fair enough?

Or you say oh noooo my metabolic rate is too low, it's not my fault I'm fat - I just can't digest my food well! Well, I eat so much bloody candy and greasy food and I can't put on any weight either.

Blame my super metabolism also la!

So how come it's okay for you to whine about how 'fat' you've gotten, and when I joke about having 'fat eyes' you immediately take offence?

And you know what the fucking joke is?

This is the person who said he wished 'some day he could stand up and walk around freely':

WAAAAAA HOU FAT ARRRRRRR! FUCKING OBESE RIGHT?

Look at the size of his arm! TREE TRUNK ZOMGS.

Please la. If that is fat I'll run naked along Swanston Street tomorrow. Yes, it is winter here.

And another girl who said she envied how skinny I am:

Wtf? Her thighs are as skinny or even skinnier than mine! How can you consider that even remotely fat?

EXPLAIN THIS TO ME -

Why can normal sized people complain they are fat, while skinny people can't complain they are skinny?

You get pitied when you are LYING, but I get flamed when I am making a valid statement.

Where is the logic in this?

Fucking double standards. When you're 'fat,' most people have the tact to not say, WAAA LEI HOU FEI JOR AH! (Most people la, if your friend is tactless, sucks for you.)

But for me? No such thing. ARE YOU ANOREXIC? YOU DON'T EAT ONE AR? GO EAT SOMETHING LA, SO SKINNY NOT NICE.

During CNY reunions:

"Lei gam sao jor ah? Sek dor dit yeh la! Gam yang sao mm leng la!"

 (You're so skinny already! Eat more la! This skinny not nice la!)

Something like that la. My cantonese isn't that good, but as long as you can understand. -.-

And good lord, since Form 1 I have been taunted about my boobs - or lack of boobs. Airplane runway, flattie etcetc.

But do I get pissed off? No. I used to get slightly upset, but not any more. I just take it in good humour. Sure, I have A cup boobs but it's not the end of the world.

So don't make it out like I'm the ideal size to be, cause I'm not. It's not healthy and I acknowledge that.

That's why I have been trying to eat more. However, I have failed so far and if I post my disappointment on facebook it is not to mock you 'fat' people. I'm disappointed, so I say so.

You think you're fat, you post it on facebook. Do I flame you for complaining you're fat while you're my ideal size? No.

So please have the courtesy to do the same and respect that everyone has their own image issues, and we have the right to post it on facebook if we want to. Facebook is a narcissist's heaven after all - do you expect to read philosophical posts there?

No! Everyone is an attention seeker in some way or other, looking to share their feelings and describe every bloody minute of their lives to everyone else, whether they like it or not.

My only gripe here is not about fat people complaining they're fat. It's the SKINNY people complaining they're fat, but flaming me for 'rubbing it in their faces' when I say that I can't put on weight.

Bloody bullshit, if you ask me.

Btw, I'm not saying these people that I used as examples are horrible people. I'm just annoyed at their comments. Well, just the guy this time, but it happens more often than you think, not necessarily in facebook.


And yes, I get that he may be jesting, but it is still annoying that there seems to be a double standard going on.

Bots

Me and muh boo just did 65 rounds of awp_india against bots.

We won 2. Yay!

I just realised how important it is to adapt and learn. I was doing the same retarded thing over and over and wondering why I couldn't kill at all, while my boy with 400 ping was pawning away.

He told me to do one simple thing, and magically I started actually KILLING the damn bots! And we won!

To be fair, it was 2 against 5 insanely h4xxing bots.

But I'm glad I learned something tonight :)

I guess it applies to all fields in life too. If something works and you keep doing the same thing, good for you. But maybe there's something that works even better and you never know cause you never bothered to try.

It could be a far more simple and effective solution than the one you're currently employing that 'works'

Take cleaning my keyboard for example. Crumbs and dust used to get in between the keys and stuck onto the surface and I'd spend ages trying to pick/blow them out of the crevices and then taking a moist cloth to wipe off the dust.

Sometimes it'd take ages cause I'm just chasing the dust around in circles -.- Wtf.

Then one day, *lightbulb,* I turned the the keyboard upside down and gave a good smack. Crumbs rained out. Wow. Gravity WORKS!

I cleaned up the rest of the mess by removing the vacuum head and hoovering through with a hand over the keys to keep them from popping out.

Time taken with wetcloth/fingernail method: 5 minutes

Time taken with bang/hoover method: less than a minute

YAY for innovation! There's probably a better way to do it that I have yet to find out. Perhaps it involves a can of compressed air, but I've not tried it so I don't know.

But yea, even if you think the way you're doing things now works, think again. Do it better. Do it faster. Harder better faster stronger!

That made no sense but whatever. It's 5.15 am and I'm gonna sleep now :) Cheers for a three day weekend.

Fate - and blood

Today, I was supposed to meet my friend around 4.30 for gelato at Freddo's before heading to uni to do some work together.

At 3.30, Tata messaged me saying that she couldn't come - she was still in bed. I couldn't get mad, because I was still in bed rolling around too. (Wtf slobs!)

And I guess it was meant to be - even if she had woken up on time I would have messaged her cause I had some serious period discomfort and wanted nothing more than to lie down in be and mope over my internal bleeding.

At 4.50 pm, less than a street-length away from Freddo's, two men were gunned down in broad daylight in a poker place.

Who knows what would have happened if Tata and I had witnessed it. What if the gunman had taken a detour to buy icecream before committing his dirty deed? (Hey, it could happen. Murderers aren't all sane anyway.) What is some unforeseen circumstances happened and stray bullets started flying around?

It's good we were both home, alive and well.

Fuh, I make it sound like we both narrowly escaped death. Maybe, maybe not. It was a planned crime after all. From the reports I've read, the man entered the establishment, shot his two targets and left.

He was arrested later though, so we don't have to worry as much about him returning and possibly getting caught in another round of crossfire.

Sigh. Suddenly Melbourne doesn't seem so safe anymore. But I'd still choose to live here over KL any day.

On another note, I have been in bad bad bad bad misbehaving girl mode today. And by misbehaving I mean relapsing into my angsty early teenage behaviour by RAGING mercilessly in game.

I'm not proud of it. It just happened. It's not pent-up anger or whatever - I'm a pretty relaxed person lately.

PMS is to blame. I am 100fuckinpercent absolutely sure! I haven't had a regular period since...ever. So sometimes it's hard to predict when I'm going through PMS and when I'm just being plain bitchy. (There's a difference! One is inexcusable and...the other is. Girl's privilege, yes.)

This time, it caught me by surprise again. I had a breakout of pimples a couple of weeks ago (three total, what a vast improvement from my early teenage years - pimple plantation wtf.)

And for some moronic reason I blamed my recent chocolate binge and lack of sleep instead of suspecting PMS. (Actually, the sleep deprivation + choc overdose theory would have been plausible, except for the fact that I eat chocolate by the piles ALL THE TIME and rarely ever sleep enough.)

Well, I did not suspect it AT ALL. Sneaky little bastard.

So anyway, I got my period today and a lightbulb went off in my head. OHHH THAT'S WHY SUDDENLY GOT PIMPLES THAT DAY LA! CHIUUUUU.

With that happy revelation, I started stuffing my face with candy, cookies and chocolate again.

Wahaha. Sangat gembira. ^__^

Anyway, apparently some guys think PMS = period = PMS. Well, it is not.

Let me explain a little bit. PMS stands for pre-menstrual syndrome. By understand that, it is impossible to think that PMS and period are one and the same (because of the 'pre.' It can't be before and during at the same time, right?)

The period is where the girl bleeds from her vagina. No, don't complain that I'm being too graphic, you're all big boys and girls now right? It normally lasts from roughly 5-7 days, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter depending on the individual.

This is usually accompanied by mild to severe discomfort, acute pain in the abdomen, sore unmentionables, nausea, headaches and lethargy. (This is for me la, not so sure about other girls but I'm guessing it is somewhere along those lines.)

PMS is a period of roughly 2 weeks leading up to the actual period. There is no bleeding at this stage, but hormonal changes are taking place. This hormone imbalances tend to cause pimply breakouts, bad tempers, mood swings, mild depression, bigger boobs (yay,) bloating, abdominal pain/aches, food cravings and some other minor symptoms.

A PMSing girl is dangerous/scary for a number of reasons:

1. She will always win in an argument.

2. Even if you win, she's gonna scratch your eyes out anyway, so she wins.

I'm sorry boys, but that's the way life is.

I guess some girls mellow over time and are able to recognize when PMS starts to creep up upon them and deal with their mood accordingly.

Sometimes they just sneak up on us poor unsuspecting girls and we unleash our terrifying feminine rage on those poor unsuspecting boys.

Some guys say, aiyo, excuses lar. You're just a bitch, anyhow also will scold people one lar!

Firstly, how can you assume that we're using PMS as a reason to scold and act irrationally when you don't go through it yourselves?

When you tfk to porn or get a stiffy while looking at hot girls you just return our incredulous stares with 'What? We're guys what, we're meant to breed. Not our fault.'

Secondly, it is a medically-recognized condition. It's hormones okay. Don't play play. It's the same thing that makes you wanna fuck every girl you see when you get horny. Hormones. Kuatnya.

Lastly, if PMS is just an 'excuse' to scold/scream at you, and I actually feel like ripping your head off every day of the month, I wouldn't bother waiting for that one special week a month to diu you la.

I'd just fucking scold you every day and night until you don't want to talk to me anymore, since you're such a retarded and [insert any amount of derogatory adjectives here] person.

But you still do, so that means I'm a pretty nice person to talk to when I'm not PMSing right? :3

So I apologize la dears. I'm sorry for raging at everyone lately. I'm only a girl. And if you're a guy, be happy you don't have to deal with this okay? Don't complain that girls always get special/more lenient treatment than guys unless you are ready to bleed from the penis every month and push a watermelon out of your anus a few times in your life.

: )

With that, I'm off to sleep. Good night <3

Change

Feeling bored inspired today, I decided to change my blog layout. I've had this skin for so long, refusing to change it as I designed and coded it myself way back when - a piece of nostalgia I refused to relinquish.

I thought I freshen the place up by adding a music player - without autoplay of course, cause that ALWAYS pissed me off when I go to a person's blog, only to have their music interrupt mine. Haven't you considered that some people may not like the music you're listening to? Especially when it suddenly blares from the speakers, and the poor, shocked reader scrambles around to find the music player - which you conveniently put in an obscure place to switch off your music before they go deaf.

Anyhow. As you can see, my blog remains exactly the same. Well, not really. I moved it 200 pixels to the right. That's cause I designed the old template on a 13 inch screen with low resolution - and it looks positively tiny and extremely unbalanced on my new 17 inch widescreen.

...the point is, I have not changed my layout. I just couldn't. I'd already chosen a new layout and picked out a playlist of awesome songs that'll change your music taste forever.

But. No. I found myself clicking and deleting all the changes I made.

I guess I can't let it go.

So many things have changed over the past few years - I don't even feel like the same person anymore. My blog is one of the things that has followed me through my past without changing.

My tone of blogging has certainly changed. I'm much more dull and long-winded and I seem to have nothing interesting to say, except about random strangers flirting with me because apparently I'm 'prettier' now thankyouverymuch.

The only thing that has remained constant about my blogging style is that I still lose track of my thoughts and start babbling about random things.

I'm uninspired. I am unmotivated. My blog readership is at an all time low - my loyal readers have finally given up with the tedium of my occasional gushing of bullshit. (Omg, sounds like a bull had diarrhea -.-)

I'm not facing any particular conflict in my life right now. I was all caught up in a whirlwind of temper and broken patience last semester, but then I didn't have the time to blog and didn't WANT to blog because ranting about my teammates would just put even more strain on our working relationship.

I wish something interesting would happen to me.

Like, get a scholarship. Or win a lottery (impossible cause I don't buy 4D tickets - maybe Sam could win the lottery!) Or...walk into a door. ANYTHING. I'm living such a satisfactory life that I am numbed into complacence.

And other times, I wish nothing 'interesting' would happen to me.

But actually, some things did happen recently. I adopted a new puppy. I received my first two bottles of fucking ridic rm60 OPI nail polish. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer.

...

I just hadn't had the mood to talk about it. I'm just not sure anyone wants to hear.

People who I thought understood me - didn't. Have you ever had an old friend who you told an obscene joke to, but he didn't get the joke and ended up staring incredulously at you?

Let me tell you a story.

That day, Sam, a couple of friends and I were chatting together after DotA. Somehow, the topic turned to porn (3 guys la what to do.) Then, Sam joked about having an accident with his genitals when he was young, resulting in an S-shaped penis.

This is so out of the ordinary that most people would immediately pick it up as a joke.

I continued jokingly, saying that to get it in he has to wiggle left then right, due to the S-curve.

We were met with silence.

Our friend didn't get the joke.

EPIC FAIL. Now they think we're TMI (too much info) pros who like kinky, wiggly, awkward sex AND like to tell their friends about it.

I hate this phrase, but fuck muh freakin life okay?

All this effort and self-control to remain a virgin and my friends think I'm a sex addict anyway. Chao hai lar.

I don't think anyone believes me anymore when I say that I have NEVER had sex before. In this modern society, people find it impossible that a couple that has been together for more than a year have never slept with each other before.

Okay la, I slept with him before. As in cuddle him to sleep under a nice warm blanket.

Only my mom believes me at this point (I THINK.)

Whatever la. I'm a slut la. Call me a whore. I must be the only virgin whore on earth.

I admit, I get very horny sometimes - I'm a teenager, what do you expect?! Don't tell me you haven't wet your pants or had an erection before.

Maybe I'm not as discreet about it, but we're all the same. So if you point your fat fingers at me and call me a pervert...think water down a duck's back.

At least I still have the self-control to abstain from the real thing. And do you know the real reason why I'm abstaining?

Because I'm fucking terrified of accidentally getting pregnant, that's why.

My mom said she'll be upset if I have sex before marriage, but she says she accepts that I am of a new generation and we do things differently. My friends already think I've had sex...so what is there to lose?

Don't tell me contraception works. Yes it does, but it also FAILS. I cannot explain how bloody scared I am of having a baby at 19.

I don't really give a shit about what people think (well, maybe just a tiny bit. Of shit.) However, I do NOT look forward to postponing my career and giving up the fun years of my life to look after a whiny, screamy, shitting, crying pile of cute, diaper-consuming  chubbiness.

Also, I kind of like the idea of being a virgin bride, much to my boy's chagrin. There's just something so special about it all - I guess no matter how modern my thinking may be, I still have very conventional views over this.

It may happen, it may not. But for the moment, even though I'm just another horny teenage pervert who drools over her boyfriend in her sleep sometimes, I'm still...not going to do it.

No matter how casual sex may be these days, no matter how good contraception is, I aim to be a virgin on my wedding night.

I am not against the idea of sex before marriage however. I just believe that everyone should be able to choose what they want to do with their own bodies and not be discriminated over it.

It's the one thing you can keep, even when you've lost all sense of self. You can be assured that there is something that you still have and there is something left to give away.

God. I am such a fucking sap.

I am going to sleep now. I'm sorry, boyfriend, if you read this and weep. I love you. You are fucking sexy to me and I wanna fuck you silly but nah. We've gotta wait, alright?

Hi-5 partner. See you in the honeymoon suite. <3