I'm happy that I've finally gotten myself acquainted with my tablet, which has been sleeping behind my laptop for months. I'm still not very good with it yet, and I'm not very familiar with most features of Photoshop so we have to wait a while until I start painting really nice stuff.
: )
My sleeping hours are screwed up again, thanks to an extra long CS session yesterday. Went to bed after 8 am wtf. I was awake 24 hours already by then, with 2 hours sleep the night before.
Met more people who said I'm pretty, but although I beam at their comment, I still feel ugly. Figures. Childhood memories don't fade that fast.
It's funny to see how differently people treat you when you get your braces off, grow your hair out and have your skin cleared up by a professional torturer aka facialist.
It almost feels like it's cheating - paying for people to treat you nicer, right?
In essence, I'm still the same person who sits berkangkang, with unwashed hair and drools in her sleep.
Of course, I'm not complaining that people tend to treat me better now, especially guys. However, online appearances are always deceiving, and I'm afraid if any of my online friends see me in real life they will run away screaming OMG UGLYYY! D:
Well. It hasn't happened yet, but who knows? But a better question would be, why do I care?
I mean I like my face enough, although it's not perfect. I have slightly lopsided eyes, a big nose with a slight bump, thin lips, straight eyebrows, seriously crooked bone structure and messy wavy hair.
Some days I wish I had a symmetrical face, a dainty ski-slope nose, full lips, and long, straight, shiny hair but then I'd look like every other 'pretty' girl out there.
I want to be pretty, but I want to be special at the same time. What a pity most people's notion of beauty is the same - which makes you inexplicably boring to look at after the first 'wah so pretty!'
But then I want a lot of things.
I want to be pretty.
I want to be a fantastic artist.
I want to be a kick-ass gamer.
I want to be a filial daughter.
I want to be a dedicated girlfriend.
I want to be a loyal friend.
I want to be a good person.
And I want to stand out in everything I do, but sadly, I fall short of almost everything (maybe everything) and sometimes it just seems like everyone is better than you, no matter what it is that you want to do.
And my most shameful shortcoming? Giving up. I surrender at the first sign of losing.
I can't stand to see myself losing a fair fight, so I stop trying - some twisted way of deceiving myself. 'I'm not losing, I just slacking.'
When I was young, I wanted so many things.
I wanted to be respected, adored, feared. I wanted to be a vet and save lives of animals. I wanted to be a scientist, a mathematician, a rockstar.
Now I can narrow down my list to the aforementioned 7 desires.
I used to crave excellence, but wanted to seem like I wasn't really trying.
I ended up REALLY not trying. And subsequently failing. Then saying 'of course I can do better, I just can't be bothered.'
Fail fail fail.
I remember when I was in standard 1 and I had a 100% percent average. I was head of the class, and everyone knew me and everyone wanted to be on my good side.
I was an ugly kid I guess. But when you're 7, looks don't matter. I don't remember what I was like, or what quality I had that drew people to me but anyhow it's gone now!
I'm not sure exactly when the decline started...I guess when I switched schools and started over in standard 5. I was insecure, gangly, horrible at chinese with a 'yang ren' face (Westerner, not goat. Please man.)
And OH what a crime - I liked to read. Instantly labeled nerd. Yay happy happy. Coupled with the fact that I was one of the 6 PTS students from that year...oh my god. Not to mention my salad bowl and specs and buck teeth and knobbly knees.
LOL. Even typing it out makes me laugh. What a pathetic mental image right?
I guess it was then I wanted to be 'effortlessly' smart. There's a different feeling between getting good results out of hard work, and getting good results just cause you're 'smart like that.'
I guess you feel like a genius for a second there. But it got worse...when I started secondary I already felt so alienated by my peers it was just sad. And I STILL liked to read and I refuse to give it up. Why should I give it up because people think it's nerdy or snobbish?
-_- I like to read, sudahlah. Judgemental pricks.
I was at my most antisocial point in life then. I felt like everyone was judging me. From the way I looked to the way I walk and the things I say (or don't say.) I still remember that Siew Lei told me she could still remember her first impression of me - even now!
I was doing a hamtaro impression - munching jagung. Wtf? HAHA. And I still had my adorable buckteeth then, to enhance the hamster effect.
Starting secondary changed me. I was no longer an outstanding student. From being top of the year in english, maths and BM (omg I can't believe I was a BM star student in primary) I was just...average.
Part of me felt relieved that I wouldn't be singled out for my 'nerdiness' any more, but part of me felt disappointed that I was no longer one of the best.
And I slacked. Boy, did I slack. I still can't believe I could DotA throughout SPM. I see my gaming kakis quit gaming for their exams, and I couldn't do even that. I remember playing until past midnight and going to sit for a paper 7 hours later.
Results day was a painful day for me. I finally realise that the 'effortlessly' excelling thing wasn't working out for me. I remember sitting in the hall, praying (ridiculously) that I could somehow manage 9 As. And when my name wasn't called I hoped (stupidly) for 8 As.
And when my name STILL wasn't called, my heart just plummeted, and I realised omg what the fuck have I been doing?
And then I went to college and didn't qualify for the Taylor's scholarship/subsidy that required a minimum of 8As/7A1s.
I remember looking at my results - 7As/6A1s and cursing the government for letting me get A2 on Bio and costing me the grant.
Bio was a subject I aced! A1 through Form 4 and 5 and I got an A2 when I needed it the most? What the hell?
Then I realised it wasn't the government's fault that I didn't get my scholarship (though the education system is still horribly biased and stupid.) It was my fault for not working hard enough.
I'm pretty goddamned sure I could have been a straight A student if I really tried. But I was still in that dumb fantasy that being smart and not investing any hard work would be sufficient to carry me through life easily.
Although my results are pretty fucking good for someone who barely studied (lowest were B3s), I know my family were very disappointed in me. My mom said it was alright, as long as I tried my best she was alright with my results.
Tried my best? PFFT. I barely tried. I failed Add Maths and Chemistry through secondary and only deigned to catch up less than a month before SPM.
I'm so lucky to even have Abigail who was kind enough to give me a crash course in so many subjects - history, chem, and add maths - while she also had to study. AND she got straight As.
I feel so ashamed. At the time I felt proud that I scored that much without studying, but I just feel dumb.
Although it wasn't of much consequence (besides losing the Taylor's money) I still feel like a loser.
College was the same. I stoned and slept my way through college. =__= I spent more time playing at Ftz than being in english and accounts class.
See. Got evidence. The whole row was my classmates, lol.
I kept telling myself that I was smart and I would survive college and uni and eventually the workforce.
I reluctantly applied for the RMIT scholarship after my mom bugged me about it. I was so lax about myself that I didn't even trust myself to apply for a scholarship even when I had nothing to lose. I didn't believe I could get it. I had lost so much confidence in myself by then.
Then, a letter came. I got it. I GOT IT! My mom was literally dancing around with joy, and I realised that since my sweep of trophies and passing the PTS in standard 3, I have achieved virtually NOTHING in the previous 8 years.
What a pathetic, slacking slob this promising kid had become. I could only imagine how hurt my parents must have been to see all that lost potential.
Foundation year in RMIT was the best year for me. It was the year that reminded me how good it felt to have hard work pay off AND how satisfying it felt to know that you had truly done your best.
I graduated with a high distinction average (81) and I hadn't felt better in years.
This year, I slacked a little in Semester 1. Was dealing with a fair amount of homesickness and had to deal with difficult teammates and some shit. However, I am determined to do my best this semester. :)
It's the holidays, and I'm heading back to the games lab to work. ^__^
Maya here I come :D
I blogged this post across almost 10 hours. So if you missed the point...you probably didn't cause I don't know what the point was supposed to be either.
I'm not sure exactly when the decline started...I guess when I switched schools and started over in standard 5. I was insecure, gangly, horrible at chinese with a 'yang ren' face (Westerner, not goat. Please man.)
And OH what a crime - I liked to read. Instantly labeled nerd. Yay happy happy. Coupled with the fact that I was one of the 6 PTS students from that year...oh my god. Not to mention my salad bowl and specs and buck teeth and knobbly knees.
LOL. Even typing it out makes me laugh. What a pathetic mental image right?
I guess it was then I wanted to be 'effortlessly' smart. There's a different feeling between getting good results out of hard work, and getting good results just cause you're 'smart like that.'
I guess you feel like a genius for a second there. But it got worse...when I started secondary I already felt so alienated by my peers it was just sad. And I STILL liked to read and I refuse to give it up. Why should I give it up because people think it's nerdy or snobbish?
-_- I like to read, sudahlah. Judgemental pricks.
I was at my most antisocial point in life then. I felt like everyone was judging me. From the way I looked to the way I walk and the things I say (or don't say.) I still remember that Siew Lei told me she could still remember her first impression of me - even now!
I was doing a hamtaro impression - munching jagung. Wtf? HAHA. And I still had my adorable buckteeth then, to enhance the hamster effect.
Starting secondary changed me. I was no longer an outstanding student. From being top of the year in english, maths and BM (omg I can't believe I was a BM star student in primary) I was just...average.
Part of me felt relieved that I wouldn't be singled out for my 'nerdiness' any more, but part of me felt disappointed that I was no longer one of the best.
And I slacked. Boy, did I slack. I still can't believe I could DotA throughout SPM. I see my gaming kakis quit gaming for their exams, and I couldn't do even that. I remember playing until past midnight and going to sit for a paper 7 hours later.
Results day was a painful day for me. I finally realise that the 'effortlessly' excelling thing wasn't working out for me. I remember sitting in the hall, praying (ridiculously) that I could somehow manage 9 As. And when my name wasn't called I hoped (stupidly) for 8 As.
And when my name STILL wasn't called, my heart just plummeted, and I realised omg what the fuck have I been doing?
And then I went to college and didn't qualify for the Taylor's scholarship/subsidy that required a minimum of 8As/7A1s.
I remember looking at my results - 7As/6A1s and cursing the government for letting me get A2 on Bio and costing me the grant.
Bio was a subject I aced! A1 through Form 4 and 5 and I got an A2 when I needed it the most? What the hell?
Then I realised it wasn't the government's fault that I didn't get my scholarship (though the education system is still horribly biased and stupid.) It was my fault for not working hard enough.
I'm pretty goddamned sure I could have been a straight A student if I really tried. But I was still in that dumb fantasy that being smart and not investing any hard work would be sufficient to carry me through life easily.
Although my results are pretty fucking good for someone who barely studied (lowest were B3s), I know my family were very disappointed in me. My mom said it was alright, as long as I tried my best she was alright with my results.
Tried my best? PFFT. I barely tried. I failed Add Maths and Chemistry through secondary and only deigned to catch up less than a month before SPM.
I'm so lucky to even have Abigail who was kind enough to give me a crash course in so many subjects - history, chem, and add maths - while she also had to study. AND she got straight As.
I feel so ashamed. At the time I felt proud that I scored that much without studying, but I just feel dumb.
Although it wasn't of much consequence (besides losing the Taylor's money) I still feel like a loser.
College was the same. I stoned and slept my way through college. =__= I spent more time playing at Ftz than being in english and accounts class.
See. Got evidence. The whole row was my classmates, lol.
I kept telling myself that I was smart and I would survive college and uni and eventually the workforce.
I reluctantly applied for the RMIT scholarship after my mom bugged me about it. I was so lax about myself that I didn't even trust myself to apply for a scholarship even when I had nothing to lose. I didn't believe I could get it. I had lost so much confidence in myself by then.
Then, a letter came. I got it. I GOT IT! My mom was literally dancing around with joy, and I realised that since my sweep of trophies and passing the PTS in standard 3, I have achieved virtually NOTHING in the previous 8 years.
What a pathetic, slacking slob this promising kid had become. I could only imagine how hurt my parents must have been to see all that lost potential.
Foundation year in RMIT was the best year for me. It was the year that reminded me how good it felt to have hard work pay off AND how satisfying it felt to know that you had truly done your best.
I graduated with a high distinction average (81) and I hadn't felt better in years.
This year, I slacked a little in Semester 1. Was dealing with a fair amount of homesickness and had to deal with difficult teammates and some shit. However, I am determined to do my best this semester. :)
It's the holidays, and I'm heading back to the games lab to work. ^__^
Maya here I come :D
I blogged this post across almost 10 hours. So if you missed the point...you probably didn't cause I don't know what the point was supposed to be either.
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