Change

Feeling bored inspired today, I decided to change my blog layout. I've had this skin for so long, refusing to change it as I designed and coded it myself way back when - a piece of nostalgia I refused to relinquish.

I thought I freshen the place up by adding a music player - without autoplay of course, cause that ALWAYS pissed me off when I go to a person's blog, only to have their music interrupt mine. Haven't you considered that some people may not like the music you're listening to? Especially when it suddenly blares from the speakers, and the poor, shocked reader scrambles around to find the music player - which you conveniently put in an obscure place to switch off your music before they go deaf.

Anyhow. As you can see, my blog remains exactly the same. Well, not really. I moved it 200 pixels to the right. That's cause I designed the old template on a 13 inch screen with low resolution - and it looks positively tiny and extremely unbalanced on my new 17 inch widescreen.

...the point is, I have not changed my layout. I just couldn't. I'd already chosen a new layout and picked out a playlist of awesome songs that'll change your music taste forever.

But. No. I found myself clicking and deleting all the changes I made.

I guess I can't let it go.

So many things have changed over the past few years - I don't even feel like the same person anymore. My blog is one of the things that has followed me through my past without changing.

My tone of blogging has certainly changed. I'm much more dull and long-winded and I seem to have nothing interesting to say, except about random strangers flirting with me because apparently I'm 'prettier' now thankyouverymuch.

The only thing that has remained constant about my blogging style is that I still lose track of my thoughts and start babbling about random things.

I'm uninspired. I am unmotivated. My blog readership is at an all time low - my loyal readers have finally given up with the tedium of my occasional gushing of bullshit. (Omg, sounds like a bull had diarrhea -.-)

I'm not facing any particular conflict in my life right now. I was all caught up in a whirlwind of temper and broken patience last semester, but then I didn't have the time to blog and didn't WANT to blog because ranting about my teammates would just put even more strain on our working relationship.

I wish something interesting would happen to me.

Like, get a scholarship. Or win a lottery (impossible cause I don't buy 4D tickets - maybe Sam could win the lottery!) Or...walk into a door. ANYTHING. I'm living such a satisfactory life that I am numbed into complacence.

And other times, I wish nothing 'interesting' would happen to me.

But actually, some things did happen recently. I adopted a new puppy. I received my first two bottles of fucking ridic rm60 OPI nail polish. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer.

...

I just hadn't had the mood to talk about it. I'm just not sure anyone wants to hear.

People who I thought understood me - didn't. Have you ever had an old friend who you told an obscene joke to, but he didn't get the joke and ended up staring incredulously at you?

Let me tell you a story.

That day, Sam, a couple of friends and I were chatting together after DotA. Somehow, the topic turned to porn (3 guys la what to do.) Then, Sam joked about having an accident with his genitals when he was young, resulting in an S-shaped penis.

This is so out of the ordinary that most people would immediately pick it up as a joke.

I continued jokingly, saying that to get it in he has to wiggle left then right, due to the S-curve.

We were met with silence.

Our friend didn't get the joke.

EPIC FAIL. Now they think we're TMI (too much info) pros who like kinky, wiggly, awkward sex AND like to tell their friends about it.

I hate this phrase, but fuck muh freakin life okay?

All this effort and self-control to remain a virgin and my friends think I'm a sex addict anyway. Chao hai lar.

I don't think anyone believes me anymore when I say that I have NEVER had sex before. In this modern society, people find it impossible that a couple that has been together for more than a year have never slept with each other before.

Okay la, I slept with him before. As in cuddle him to sleep under a nice warm blanket.

Only my mom believes me at this point (I THINK.)

Whatever la. I'm a slut la. Call me a whore. I must be the only virgin whore on earth.

I admit, I get very horny sometimes - I'm a teenager, what do you expect?! Don't tell me you haven't wet your pants or had an erection before.

Maybe I'm not as discreet about it, but we're all the same. So if you point your fat fingers at me and call me a pervert...think water down a duck's back.

At least I still have the self-control to abstain from the real thing. And do you know the real reason why I'm abstaining?

Because I'm fucking terrified of accidentally getting pregnant, that's why.

My mom said she'll be upset if I have sex before marriage, but she says she accepts that I am of a new generation and we do things differently. My friends already think I've had sex...so what is there to lose?

Don't tell me contraception works. Yes it does, but it also FAILS. I cannot explain how bloody scared I am of having a baby at 19.

I don't really give a shit about what people think (well, maybe just a tiny bit. Of shit.) However, I do NOT look forward to postponing my career and giving up the fun years of my life to look after a whiny, screamy, shitting, crying pile of cute, diaper-consuming  chubbiness.

Also, I kind of like the idea of being a virgin bride, much to my boy's chagrin. There's just something so special about it all - I guess no matter how modern my thinking may be, I still have very conventional views over this.

It may happen, it may not. But for the moment, even though I'm just another horny teenage pervert who drools over her boyfriend in her sleep sometimes, I'm still...not going to do it.

No matter how casual sex may be these days, no matter how good contraception is, I aim to be a virgin on my wedding night.

I am not against the idea of sex before marriage however. I just believe that everyone should be able to choose what they want to do with their own bodies and not be discriminated over it.

It's the one thing you can keep, even when you've lost all sense of self. You can be assured that there is something that you still have and there is something left to give away.

God. I am such a fucking sap.

I am going to sleep now. I'm sorry, boyfriend, if you read this and weep. I love you. You are fucking sexy to me and I wanna fuck you silly but nah. We've gotta wait, alright?

Hi-5 partner. See you in the honeymoon suite. <3