Drowning

Awww have been feeling pretty crappy lately.

Relatively crappy la, since I'm normally your regular enviable ray of sunshine.

*glows*

I'm still stuck with my holiday sleeping habits - 3 am on weekdays and 7.30 am on weekends. As a result I get hardly any daylight and what with the sun setting at 5 something (winter) I'm officially a vampire.

Doesn't help that the only daylight I ever see is when I'm walking to uni and during lunchtime. By the time I walk home the sun is almost gone edi.

They say sunlight produces happy hormones. I agree.

I feel like I've been the worst student, worst daughter, worst girlfriend, worst friend lately.

I'm not throwing myself into my schoolwork. Feel like I have no more motivation. When I'm actually doing it, I enjoy it. But the trouble is getting myself to START working. Sam can attest to that. God knows he's seen my imba procrastination skills.

I set aside the whole of Sunday to do my homework, and I started it at 11.30 pm.

Not to mention being snappy at mom, distant from my friends and being outright clingy to my boyfriend.

Sigh. I'm having insane mood swings lately, from cheerful to tearful in a mere handful of seconds.

This can't be normal. I'm sorry to all those who are affected.

Slowly, I'm turning into the kind of girlfriend I had always hated. Clingy, whiny and tearful. My god, sometimes I'm like a scene out of a lalafied version of a HK drama.

I'm sorry, I just feel a bit lost here - it feels like a belated bout of homesickness. Surprising, seeing how well I accepted my new environment at the start of the year.

I was thriving and happy and glowing.

Now I'm the epitome of misery.

Sleepless nights. Nightmares. My weight has plummeted from a 49 to 45 in less than 2 weeks. I fell sick and lost my appetite. I feel like throwing up most of the time for no reason. Teachers say I look completely miserable and keep asking whether I'm alright.

I've lost confidence in my abilities and in myself.

Suddenly I feel completely inept in my class although I still scored near the top. I feel like a complete idiot when playing CS or DotA. I feel alternately happy and depressed when talking to my boyfriend.

Talk about a nutcase.

Sometimes I wonder when he'll wake up and realise I'm a total airhead and my happy dream will come to an end and I'll be all alone like I was before he came along.

Some days I wonder whether I'm really on the right track doing art. I feel like my brain cells are slowly dying when I find I can't add 18 and 13 without using my fingers.

Teenage angst and hormones. Now I finally understand what they mean.

I know I'm acting unreasonably, but somehow I can't help it.

It's like I've lost control of myself and my emotions. There was a time where I hardly cried and just indulged in some self mutilation when I felt emotional.

Now I cry like every other day.

Wtf. I feel like a burden on my boyfriend. It's not his job to babysit a possibly bipolar person. I used to pride myself on being independant and capable of managing my emotions, but now I've transformed into some sort of leech. Draining away his energy in a desperate bid to keep myself alive.

Pathetic.

The worst nightmare is turning into something you despise and feeling unable to stop the tranformation.

Must get a grip. Now.

Before I lose everything I love.

Before I lose myself.

I miss home.

I miss my boyfriend.

I miss having to worry about nothing at all.

I miss being free of panic attacks and paranoia.

I miss being completely sane.

...Where did I go?