Home

I'm back from Miri. The trip went by all too fast. There were good parts and bad parts, but on the whole, I enjoyed it immensely. I can't wait for our next trip together. :)

Just when I thought I found out what love is, my whole understanding of the matter is revoked.

I guess I'm still young and naive. But at least I'm learning.

I thought love meant being willing to do everything for someone, unconditionally and without complaint. Maybe it meant living together peacefully without arguments.

But I don't know. If you asked me a couple of months ago, while our relationship was still in the honeymoon phase, I'd say I'd do anything to be with him.

I'd even consent to marrying him (albeit many years later.)

But now, if you asked me the same question, I cannot answer. I mean I would love to settle down with him and perhaps spend the rest of our years together. However, if you asked me whether I would give up my education or my family or my home for him, I would definitely hesitate.

Would I give up my chances of dating other boys while I was young? Would I cease all reckless activities to appease him? Would I accept that I would be with him and only him until the end?

Answering yes to those questions would be lying. And I don't like to lie.

It seems ridiculous to think of settling down at such a young age. But we will have to think about it sooner or later, so what's wrong with wondering about it now?

How do you know when the person is the one? I know I sound like a shitty low-budget rom-com but I do think about it.

I always said I'd never consider dating anyone unless I'm serious about the person. But when things get too serious too soon, I'll never get to know all the other people that I've passed over.

I don't want to date another guy. But I hate the idea that I'll never be able to.

What if I had chosen to leave Malaysia without giving Sam a go? Would I still have been single, or would I have found someone else?

I don't want someone else, but the 'could have' of the whole situation is bothering me.

What if I had dated someone else, and Sam had become my 'could have'? Would I have never known him? Would I have chosen to stay with the first boy that I love so much, if I knew that there's someone I could love more?

I feel selfish. I suppose I am selfish.

But would it be traitorous if I said I'd want to date other people before I settled down?

If it was meant to be, we'd get back together right?

I don't even know why I'm thinking about this when there is no other guy I would even consider dating now. Maybe I overanalyse. I know people have said that I think too much for my own good. But that's the way I am and if I were to stop and be an airhead like they wanted me to be, I'd be an entirely different person altogether.

I'm jeopardizing my perfect relationship with a perfect guy for a whole bunch of 'what if's and 'could have been's in my head.

I'm an idiot.

But I guess I'm just scared of commitment. I can't lay down plans for the future without knowing there are alternative routes I can take.

I'm afraid of not having a choice.

I feel that I'm not good enough...I'm not putting enough heart into making this relationship work. He says he is willing to wait for me if I ever wish to wade into the dating pool and experience other things.

But I feel that this is a selfish thing for me to do, using him as a fallback option while I go out and have the 'time of my life'. I could never ask him to wait for me forever. I'd rather he find some other girl that could truly make him happy than ask him to wait for me just so that I'd be happy.

I'd rather lose him to another than see him suffer.

I can't set my thoughts straight.

I need him but I expect him to be at my beck and call. I don't want to leave him but I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life not knowing what could have been. I don't want to stay with him just because I'm afraid no one else will want me.

I'm an emotional, insecure, jealous and traitorous wreck. But I do know one thing: Whatever love means, I know I love him.

I will never leave him. I've decided that I'd rather go a lifetime without knowing the other paths I could have taken than seeing him hurt again.

No I don't need a break.

I just need you.

My ranting may confuse you, but it helps me sort my emotions out. Emotional diarrhea.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

Please let's start over again?