Sesat lagi

It just struck me that I'm going through that depressed-but-not-depression phase that I always go through when I'm cooped up in my room for too long.

I know what causes it, and that I'd be feeling fine as soon as I leave the house and see REAL, LIVE, PEOPLE. But I still just as dejected and hopeless as ever.

Sigh.

It just struck me that I'm not good at making friends. I'm still as awkward meeting new people as I was in secondary. God knows what happened wei. It's like my personality went through a violent cycle in the washing machine with bleach and came out devoid anything remotely interesting and sociable.

I guess I should be thankful for my current situation in life. I have this awesome boyfriend and I'm lucky enough to be doing an interesting course out of that ducational hellhole that is Malaysia.

During the first lecture for one of my classes, my lecturer asked his second-year students to tell us what they loved most about the class and how it affected them.

One thing a girl said has stuck with me until now:

"I've stopped playing games after starting this course. I became too analytical and critical, and started pinpointing the flaws in every game, and they became much less enjoyable for me."

You know what? I'm going through that phase right now. I've lost approximately 75% of my interest in games - which wasn't much to start with, seeing how hardcore some of my classmates are.

I play DotA somewhat listlessly. CS doesn't seem even remotely attractive to me now. Pokemon...still has hope, but I have the feeling that I'm playing it because of nostalgia.

I feel nothing short of inadequate among my classmates. It seems like most of them gel quickly and easily, discussing their common interest in games and a whole group of them even went to some 'zombie shuffle' in Carlton Gardens yesterday.

What? I'd expected geeks when I came into this course, but I had no idea how different we would be. I mean, I like games and left4dead and all, but I don't find running around dressed as a zombie in broad daylight fascinating at all.

I scream in my head sometimes. WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Where are all the normal people? The people who don't get worked up that Nintendo betrayed them by releasing the Wii. The people who don't own a PS1, PS2, PS3, PSP, Wii, DS, Gameboy Colour/SP/Advanced, Xbox and god knows what else all at once.

Not to mention some hardcore gamers even find casual gamers a nuisance and an insult to their gaming culture. Waaaaaaay to make me feel welcome.

Now everytime I play DotA, all I can think about is what a hindrance I am to the people who put their heart and lives and souls into this stupid fucking ahbeng game. I play pokemon thinking about what combos would be good, IVs and EVs and natures and god knows what else.

What happened to picking the cutest pokemon and spamming attack moves? Now all I see is stat changes and combo attacks and ROLES for pokemon to play.

It's very daunting to even play CS, knowing that you're not even half as good as the real pros out there, and probably never will be.

I should be happy. I'm a gamer. I like art. I'm doing a course that comprises of both. What else could I want?

I don't know, but I feel like I'm going in a completely different direction from everybody else. Group work certainly didn't help. I met people with different work ethics, skill levels, interests, motivation levels and it just pissed me off.

I guess I like to work alone.

But this is impossible if I'm entering the gaming industry. I HAVE to work alongside other people. I'm just hoping that the people in the gaming industry are more capable and like-minded than the people I'm currently with.

They aren't bad people at all, but it's very hard to work with people with different goals than yours.

Imagine spending one whole semester working with people whose mindset is 'oh if I pass then great! If I fail I can always repeat next semester. Whatever.'

It makes me sick. I'm here because I want to excel. I pride in doing the best I can in something that I like.

How can I do that if the people who I have to work with don't even care about passing?

FRUSTRATING.

I was stuck in a programming rut last night, and in desperation, I turned to one of my classmates for help. She totally forgot about the assignment. I asked another and all I got out of him was I HATE IT WHY ARE WE EVEN LEARNING IT? Fucking course!

.............................

I spent more than 3 hours retyping the same 4 pieces of code again, hoping in vain that it will suddenly, miraculously, work. But of course, that would defy logic, and what is programming but logic?

Frustrated, I went to sleep. I woke up the next day and fixed it within 10 minutes.

Which just shows you shouldn't work with a clouded mind. It fucks with you.

Sigh. Whatever.

I just realised I have 300+ fb friends, less than 10 of which I frequently talk to. Almost a 100 requests from people I know nothing about. I feel like a collectible.

Some days I wish I could commit fb suicide in an emo fit, but that would be a bit silly - I have pictures in there that I want to keep. And I have this sneaking suspicion that no one will miss me; instead, they'd be upset cause their friend count went down by one. Which they will forget about in an hour when they simply add a few more to replace me.

And I'm not like you la Yi Ling, seh dak delete years of memories on a whim.

I'm way too sentimental for that. My phone died twice and I was so heartbroken because I lost all the messages my boyfriend sent me during the 'courting' phase.

It's highly unlikely that I will read them again more than once (there are like a couple thousand,) yet I still feel a sense of loss when they were gone.

Stupid, right? Why do I even care about a few kbs of mushiness when I still have my main source of mushiness with me (albeit 7000km away)?

Nahnahnah. Cheer up la Steph. People have more problems than I do. I shouldn't be whining. But I just feel so horribly down.

100+ ppl on my msn and I don't feel like talking to any of them.

Recently, 3 people who I hardly know messaged me out of the blue to talk to me for just that reason - they hardly know me. I felt a bit awkward, so I don't wanna inflict that upon other people. :)

So I decided to talk to you, dear reader. Because you chose to read, not that I chose to talk to you and you felt obliged to layan me.

And I know there are some of you here. :) About 7-8 a day.

Hello. I am Stephanie and I'm a misguided and homesick Games student who incidentally sucks at most games.

Why do I exist? :/ I'm nothing but a speck in this sick, sad, little world.