Porn

I have a confession to make.

I have watched porn. Twice.

...okay that doesn't sound as bad as I thought it would, given that there are many people who watch porn on a regular basis and think nothing of it.

However, both times that I watched it was not because I felt unbearably horny and needed a release, but because I was curious. No, really.

The first time was watching midget porn on Perez Hilton. Having never watched any type of porn before, I thought it would be funny and...it was unfuckingbelievably hilarious.

It starts off with this girl sunbathing on a horribly construction 'beach' (think billboard background, sand and spotlight.) She starts to get comfortable and removes all her clothes, revealing these 2 monstrous, squishy boobs that jiggled around like water balloons when she lay down.

Of course, she's having so much fun sunbathing naked knowing that there's no one watching that she starts pushing and massaging her boobs for no apparent reason.

Then, 2 midget lifeguardscaught sight of this boobalicious babe and tell her that it is illegal to sunbathe naked. With a comically provocative tone, she exclaims that there must be SOMETHING she can do for them to not arrest her. (Covers mouth in mock horror and slumps defeatedly)

With the worst acting I have ever seen in my life, (save Bristol Palin in some shitty movie) the two midgets give each other a LOOK and quickly nod.

They moved their heads left to right in an exaggerated manner to check whether there was anyone around - think wide-eyed, high-school caliber acting - and promptly pulled their pants down.

They then start having their way with her, kneading her boobs in the most un-erotic way possible, and I found it fucking hilarious that she could give them blowjobs while lying down in the deckchair cause they are, after all, midgets and are of convenient height.

The most off-putting thing about the whole production (besides the shitty unnecessary lines, tasteless acting and lousy props) was the girl's horrible fake moaning.

OHH? OHH YEAH? UH huh YEAHH OH? OH? OHH? OH YESS? OH YEA OH? OH? OH?

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE EROTIC?

???

It's not even an OH YES! It's an OH YES? Like she didn't know whether she was supposed to be turned on or not.

It was so obviously fake and clinical it just made me shake with laughter.

-_-

All that while, I couldn't help but wonder...people find THIS a turn on?

I then decided that midget porn was probably a rather niche fetish, so I went in search of 'regular' porn - for research purposes only *whistles*

After roughly an hour of sifting through gangbang porn, 'underage' porn, sugar daddy porn, homemade porn and plain titsandass porn, I was left feeling let down.

Like...is THIS what people find so intriguing and excitingly forbidden at the same time? What the hell? I'd rather watch animals mating on National Geographic!

Maybe I've had a bad porn experience or maybe I'm simply too inexperienced to find A-grade porn. So, for MORE research purposes, I asked my bf (yes, I know he watches porn occasionally and I'm fine with it) to show me some of the 'good stuff.'

I ended up spending half the night staring incredulously/snorting in laughter/laughing uncontrollably.

WHAT THE HELL?

I thought porn was some exciting, foreign and dirty realm that I'd abstained myself from all these years to keep my mind 'clean.'

And when I decided to finally take the plunge and find out what the fuss is all about, I discover tasteless videos of obviously un-aroused porn stars in awkward positions moaning in the most annoying, whiny voices EVER. I'd rather listen to a baby crying in a plane! And you KNOW how irritating that is!

It's like a tween trying alcohol for the first time. After being kept away for it for YEARS, imagining it as a 'dangerous' and a 'teenage feel-good' thing, they finally have their first shot of vodka...and find that it is utterly repulsive, tastes like burning medicine and makes you nauseous after one too many.

Of course, people do grow to like alcohol once they get past the dry eyes/mouth, headaches etc so maybe I will learn to acquire a taste for porn one day. Not that I care to.

Now, whenever I think of something naughty I can't help thinking of that naked girl moaning like a strangled duck.

AaaAAAH AaaAHHH.

Thanks a whole lot, porn industry.

I'm still holding out the hope that I've simply had a few bad experiences with porn and that my peers aren't as tasteless and desperate as I thought.

My bf says I should stream online to find better quality ones (we watched a dvd) but I'm still skeptical. How much better can it be?

Anyway, I'm back to my non-porn-watching self.

Sigh.

I've been let down.