Today is not a good day

Don't know if it's the hormones or something.

I'm starting to hate myself for having bad thoughts about my friends. I hate spiteful people and I would hate it even more if I became one.

I can't help it. Negative thoughts just keep popping into my head and I'm immediately repulsed by them, but they just keep coming.

I don't want to turn into the person that brings everyone down - whether with a sour face, a sulky disposition or constant negative remarks over every single thing.

Maybe it's just jealousy that I'm no longer my lecturer's golden student, but I never used to be a jealous person. What happened?

I should be glad that my friends are finally doing better than I am. I guess I should learn how to manage the emotional impact of losing people's favour.

But it really hurts when I get back project after project of mediocre marks - still a distinction but barely. I can call myself lucky because I have a niggling feeling that my lecturers are giving me pity marks because they know I haven't been up to my usual standard due to some emotional issues.

I would have dearly loved to blame Amanda for insisting on working at home before class time whilst holding on to my printed projects that needed to be assembled before presentation.

But she did take the time to help me print them and buy the materials for me so I told myself to stop being such an ungrateful bitch and wonder why she can't assemble her work in class so I can finish it too, instead of coming after 2 pm which was the appointed presentation time.

I had a student meeting that day and couldn't do my printing so she did it for me. I thought she would meet me at class so I can assemble it within the 15 minute frame after my meeting and before my presentation.

But no, she decided to assemble it at her apartment because she was more comfortable there. So. I couldn't finish my project and ended up being really flustered and gave the WORST presentation of my life due to nerves.

But I thank my class for being extremely supportive and empathetic. And also to my lecturer for trying to understand the circumstances. She remarked that this was the most disorganized she had ever seen me and it was extremely unlike me to be unprepared for a presentation.

I dropped my lighting model. My torch fell and rolled across the floor. My development book fell apart cause the recently printed pictures were not glued in properly yet.

Blablabla.

I was a total wreck. It didn't help that my heart wasn't really in it as well.

I shouldn't be sour and I really hate myself for silently blaming it on Amanda. But when she got perfect marks - 100/100 while I barely made the distinction mark...

Lately, the lecturer has been giving her near full marks.

94

97

100

I still remember feeling so cheated after I stayed up 2 extra hours after I finished my assignment to help her with hers - until 5 freaking am and she got a better mark.

I start to wonder what's the use of me helping others when I'm just going to go without thanks nor recognition.

Then the better part of me instantly gives myself a tight slap upside the head. She's my friend. Why WOULDN'T I help her? And truly benevolent person does not expect anything in return.

But yeah.

I've had such a fucking shitty night and a shitty day.

My boiler cracked and it was pouring steaming hot water all over my carpeted room. I had to move everything out while some of the clothes on my closet floor got soaked and I had to sleep on the couch at almost 5 am after the plumber left around 4 something.

I went to class sleep-deprived and generally moody because I've been getting my latest assignment marks back and they were way below my standard.

I spent the day watching her gleefully converse with her whole family who have managed to secure tickets to visit her in Melbourne next May and June, get 100 on her lighting project and generally have a really nice day.

Then my Design Comm lecturer said she printed the wrong picture for her final for the yearbook cover. She forgot to pdf it and the lecturer saw a different version in his email inbox than the one she had and so it wasn't the one he was expecting her to hand in.

I would have been a little bit more sympathetic if it hadn't happened before 3 assignments ago.

I mean I'm so bad as to go around gloating at her misfortune. I really felt sorry for her. I did.

That is until she started walking around with a black face and loudly complaining I NO MOOD ALREADY I NO MOOD ALREADY.

I felt like screaming no fucking mood for WHAT?

I'm the one with the fucking flooded room.

I'm the one who has to sleep on the hard couch with a fly buzzing around the whole night.

I'm the one who had to stay up til late until the plumber went home.

I'm the one whose boyfriend couldn't get tickets to come and visit me.

I'm the one who got fucking shitty marks for nearly every assignment in the past 2 months without adequate explanation for my lecturers.

AND YOU'RE WHINING NON-STOP ABOUT A POSSIBLE DISTINCTION+ AND NOT A HIGH DISTINCTION?

Girl, please.

I feel so incredibly bitchy.

I'm not really upset over losing the golden girl status.

I'm more upset with my reactions to it.

I can't help having all these horrible thoughts and I hate it.

I don't want to become a petty person.

Life is never fair. I have to learn that life can't be all about justice and equality.

Just do what you can to help your friends and yourself and move on.

That's the best we can do.

So why am I feeling so torn between the feeling of whacking her, then whacking him, then banging my head repeatedly until it cracks and the feeling that I'm an extremely spiteful and ungrateful person?

Half of me is sour over the circumstances.

The other half is hating myself for being sour.

I feel like I'm becoming a worse and worse person as time passes.

*cracks head against wall*