Flashback

!

Yesterday I stalked Henry in the DotA Clan War room and I saw Viv at the top of the list. Meh, premium member ma.

So, I was suddenly reminded of old times when she used to camp at the CW room talking and I'd laze around on the bed doing god knows what (forget studying.)

And I know people have been asking what happened between us - as Xestes| put it: 'you used to be so fond of her'

But I don't think people need to know the full story. My official statement since the incident is that I broke her and her boyfriend up.

I don't really give a shit as to what people derive from that. Relationship wrecker? My friends don't believe a single word although it came from my mouth - let alone hers.

One statement summed it all up - yet there was so much more behind it that you don't know about.

Simply put, I don't regret befriending her. She certainly showed me how to have fun and be completely reckless in words and actions.

She also taught me to treat people as they treat me - and that was the basis upon which we ended our friendship.

Too many times, I have overlooked the fact that she hurt the feelings of so many friends and people I love - simply because she never did it to me. Not directly.

However, it came to a point where her 'free spirit' and complete thoughtlessness threatened to wreck my integrity beyond repair and I'm glad I chose to stand my ground and not be bullied into submission.

And what happened was when the unstoppable met the immovable. Nothing. It just ceased to exist.

Only when I saw the smug and relieved expression on the faces of my family and friends did I know exactly how much they despised our friendship.

I always knew they weren't happy but I didn't really care. It's MY friend after all, not theirs.

Too long have I been the dominating one in friendships, that I relinquished all control and let her lead the way for once. 'Go with the flow' took on a new meaning as I turned a blind eye to certain things that she did, however much I resented it.

I'm sorry to those people I hurt and disappointed in the process.

But whatever it is, I am always open if she needs a friend and she has changed.

Which is pretty much easy to tell.

If she hasn't, she'd be scoffing at this post and saying how insincere it is and how I'm just faking it for sympathy. Or pretending to ignore it and talking shit about it later.

Uh huh. Predictable huh.

But if something has changed, she'd start to see how much she has hurt the feelings of people who love and care for her.

I am still fully convinced of my innocence in the incident and however much she calls me a bitch, a whore, a backstabber, a betrayer, I will never feel any guilt whatsoever and I'm sure anyone who knows about our friendship will understand that.

Lesson #1: Treat others as they treat you.

Sorry. That's the only lesson from you that I thought was worth learning.

I wish you well.

I hope you will find someone to love that truly loves you.

I hold no ill will, but indifference - acknowledgment of our past friendship, but no regret over ending it.

I miss the great, wonderful, wacky, insane things we did together, but I don't miss the bad blood.

Shameless fun is not worth putting others down.

I wasn't kidding when I said I could just drop a friendship and move on. Amanda asked me:

"Will you still talk to me next year then, when we're doing different degrees?"

Honestly?

"I don't know. Maybe."

There are so few of my friends that I actually care for very deeply - if you know who you are, good for you :D If you don't, never mind. I'd rather not be portrayed as an overly affectionate person who throws my all into a friendship.

But I still care.

Always do.