There shouldn't be a reason for a 17-year-old pretty well-off girl to be cracking, but it certainly feels that way. I can't even pinpoint a single source of this growing feeling of agitation.
Maybe it's because my portfolio is due this week and I'm running out, no, I HAVE run out of ideas.
Maybe it's because I'm tired of Nick being patronizing while we play.
Maybe it's because I finally came out of my stupor tonight by bantering to him about the 6.55 changelog, and then realising he wasn't even listening when he repeated the exact same things back to me 5 minutes later in a surprised tone.
Maybe it's because although I haven't actually FAILED anything, I'm not exactly doing well by my standard.
Maybe it's because I feel a bit bad about all of us ignoring Jon the past few days when he mentioned it to me today, sounding hurt.
Maybe it's because I'm annoyed of Nick constantly being super strict about his clan's entrance/promotion/integrity and yet pretended nothing happened when Jie kicked Jern out in a fit of temper and has in fact filled the vacated Squad Leader position with a NEW member without following the necessary promotion rules.
Maybe it's because Nick KNEW I was in a very bad mood, yet asked me to go update the clan page and add the new Squad Leader to the list. -________-
Maybe it's because I'm disturbed by the fact that Jie hinted that I was cheap. It's not the first time, and God knows I've forgiven him for the previous times he flamed me because he didn't even know me.
Maybe it's because my friend that I've cared about for more than 10 years pretended not to know me AND admonished me because I left a teasing comment on his profile, just because his super-possessive girlfriend may have found it offensive - all I did was call him 'baby.' -_-
Maybe it's because although I'm still pissed off at Jern's behaviour yesterday, I kind of miss his constant checking-ins asking how I'm doing.
Maybe it's because although I'm stuffing myself to the brink of nausea everyday with proper food, I'm still losing weight and I'm afraid there may be an underlying cause.
Maybe it's because I still insist on harassing Yap due to my insecurities even though I know she's busy - this pisses me off cause I hate it when it happens to me, yet I can't keep myself from asking for reassurance.
Maybe it's because I haven't gotten over it yet after so long.
Maybe it's because I feel that I've alienated my friends through my bad behaviour/bad attitude/they've moved on to 'newer' and 'better' people.
Maybe it's all of the above.
Whatever it is, I just feel like curling up on my bed and crying myself to sleep even though I know that doesn't do any good at all - and that pisses me off even more: doing meaningless things when I should be working on my portfolio and subsequently my future in that time.
Fuck.
Damn emo tonight.
It's even worse knowing I've pushed all those that I normally talk to away.
Fuckityfuckfuckfuck.
Anyway, enough gloom for tonight.
Here's tonight's piece of work towards completing my portfolio:
Maybe it's because my portfolio is due this week and I'm running out, no, I HAVE run out of ideas.
Maybe it's because I'm tired of Nick being patronizing while we play.
Maybe it's because I finally came out of my stupor tonight by bantering to him about the 6.55 changelog, and then realising he wasn't even listening when he repeated the exact same things back to me 5 minutes later in a surprised tone.
Maybe it's because although I haven't actually FAILED anything, I'm not exactly doing well by my standard.
Maybe it's because I feel a bit bad about all of us ignoring Jon the past few days when he mentioned it to me today, sounding hurt.
Maybe it's because I'm annoyed of Nick constantly being super strict about his clan's entrance/promotion/integrity and yet pretended nothing happened when Jie kicked Jern out in a fit of temper and has in fact filled the vacated Squad Leader position with a NEW member without following the necessary promotion rules.
Maybe it's because Nick KNEW I was in a very bad mood, yet asked me to go update the clan page and add the new Squad Leader to the list. -________-
Maybe it's because I'm disturbed by the fact that Jie hinted that I was cheap. It's not the first time, and God knows I've forgiven him for the previous times he flamed me because he didn't even know me.
Maybe it's because my friend that I've cared about for more than 10 years pretended not to know me AND admonished me because I left a teasing comment on his profile, just because his super-possessive girlfriend may have found it offensive - all I did was call him 'baby.' -_-
Maybe it's because although I'm still pissed off at Jern's behaviour yesterday, I kind of miss his constant checking-ins asking how I'm doing.
Maybe it's because although I'm stuffing myself to the brink of nausea everyday with proper food, I'm still losing weight and I'm afraid there may be an underlying cause.
Maybe it's because I still insist on harassing Yap due to my insecurities even though I know she's busy - this pisses me off cause I hate it when it happens to me, yet I can't keep myself from asking for reassurance.
Maybe it's because I haven't gotten over it yet after so long.
Maybe it's because I feel that I've alienated my friends through my bad behaviour/bad attitude/they've moved on to 'newer' and 'better' people.
Maybe it's all of the above.
Whatever it is, I just feel like curling up on my bed and crying myself to sleep even though I know that doesn't do any good at all - and that pisses me off even more: doing meaningless things when I should be working on my portfolio and subsequently my future in that time.
Fuck.
Damn emo tonight.
It's even worse knowing I've pushed all those that I normally talk to away.
Fuckityfuckfuckfuck.
Anyway, enough gloom for tonight.
Here's tonight's piece of work towards completing my portfolio:
Some abstract shit that I can't even explain, except for the fact that I started from the two plain lines in the middle and worked my way outwards.
Later on I incorporated mythical creatures into the...thing...and if you look closely enough, you may be able to find elements of a phoenix, a unicorn, a manticore, a gryphon and a rose to represent dryads.
Oh, and I just realised - if you look closely enough you can see the word 'gay' in it. Hmm. I wonder how that came about. o.O
Anyway, I have no idea what it's supposed to be...a motif? A tattoo? Or some abstract shit you frame and put on your wall?
What do you think? =/
Later on I incorporated mythical creatures into the...thing...and if you look closely enough, you may be able to find elements of a phoenix, a unicorn, a manticore, a gryphon and a rose to represent dryads.
Oh, and I just realised - if you look closely enough you can see the word 'gay' in it. Hmm. I wonder how that came about. o.O
Anyway, I have no idea what it's supposed to be...a motif? A tattoo? Or some abstract shit you frame and put on your wall?
What do you think? =/
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