Trust

Woke up early and spent the whole day in Sam's apartment. :D I'm super tired now and a bit grumpy. PMS, bitch!

Sigh. I know I shouldn't be, but I AM upset over the way things are going online.

My boyfriend is an extremely skilled and experienced CS player - to think people side 'reformed' hackers over him is just disgusting.

And this comes from so-called friends.

Heck, I was just playing with him yesterday. He cheered me on while I thrashed the opponents nearly 50-15, supposedly celebrating my return from the realm of perpetual lag.

And now I find that he doesn't trust my boyfriend's integrity. Sam? Hack? Hell no. How can he even do something that repulses him so much?

I guess they don't trust me either.

I used to be gleeful when people accuse me of hacking - that means you have to be somewhat above average to stand out. However, when supposed friends start doubting you, it is no longer funny.

I take pride in being honest. If I lose, I may get upset or pout but I will accept the fact that I lost fairly.

I would never cheat.

Never in my life have I used any kind of hacking software to gain the upper hand over fellow players.

The thought of it just makes me sick.

I used to trust my online friends to have the same attitude towards hackers, but lately my trust has been chiselled away by more and more suspicious acts and finally, the straw that broke the donkeys back: my close friend offered me an anti-recoil plugin.

I tried to laugh it off but since that day I have not really played with him much.

I just loathe injustice. Ok?

I trust my boyfriend's skill. I have seen him play with my own eyes, on MY computer, as have some of my other friends so I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that he is an honest to good, skilled player.

Doubting my trust in him means you doubt me too.

And I take offence.

I realise that both Sam and I are extremely mood-dependant players. If we're in a good gaming mood, we can sapu the opponents, no sweat. However if we're in a bad mood or not really in the mood for gaming, we can suddenly become astonishingly average (Sam) or simply bad (me.)

Maybe this inconsistency in performance is cause of suspicion?

Last night I was feeding 5-20+ in my friend's server, and growing increasingly agitated and restless, thus affecting my performance even more.

I took a break and went to fetch my spectacles. When I came back I killed 18 people in a row without dying - even the snipers which I hate so much.

Have I doubted someone I knew for exhibiting the same kind of behaviour?

Yes.

For all I know, my friend might be cheering me on, but silently wondering whether I had taken a break to go switch on some recoil hack or wall hack or some other shit.

We will never know.

For example, there's a really good player that Sam and I have met in real life. We have always doubted the authenticity of his skill, but we were never able to determine anything.

Sam saw hacking software in his thumbdrive that he plugged into the cyber cafe's computer.

Whether he used it or not is not the issue. What's important is that all doubts I had of him just flew to mind and took root there, refusing to dissipate.

Online friendships are so fragile.

Do any of us truly trust each other?

I don't know.

Some may say, don't make a big deal over hackers - it's just a game. You should care for your friends whether they hack or not.

For me, it's a matter of principle. If you can't play fair, don't play at all. Being dishonest in a game can easily translate to being dishonest in real life.

Some people are just skilled.

I guess I shouldn't trust people I meet playing online games.

For example, Henry started playing CS this year, and he's become one heck of a good player. I never saw anything wrong until remarks made by some people about him planted some doubts in my head.

He's my friend and I trust him. I know he's really skilled at gaming and murmurs from unknown people shouldn't affect our trust, right?

Right.

I still trust him, whatever people may say.

I've met him and he's a nice guy and I simply don't believe he would insult his own ego by resorting to rubbish hacks.

:)

So I guess people are right by saying that you should never trust anyone you meet online.

Hiding behind a monitor, who really knows what lurks behind that facade of friendliness?

But then again, I guess now and then we must be generous and entrust someone with our confidence and our heart.

After all, I did meet my boyfriend online didn't I?

Through the same gaming client that has chiselled away so much of my faith in humanity.

I've gained friends, I've lost friends.

I've been betrayed, disappointed, stalked, admired, talked about and scorned.

But most importantly, I've gained love.

That in itself, cures all of the hurt from the other bad things.

:)

Have faith.