Only One

Okay I have to stop being vague with my bf lest I chase him away. D:

I've been very antsy about him coming to find me everyday cause it takes like 40 minutes and god knows how much $$ in lrt and cab fare just to come and see me sleep/wander around shopping. Not to mention he nicks all the bills sneakily/forcefully so I'm not only getting him to take me around but eating up his money *(@#(*@ *cringe

I mean I feel guilty that the relationship is so one-sided and he seems to be layaning my every whim while I just sit around and be pampered like a princess.

WHY AM I COMPLAINING?

He keeps reassuring me he's happy to do it for me, but I keep having this notion that if I keep making him run around for me he's going to run away! T_____T

Sigh. I kind of suck as a girlfriend. :(

But I will learn to be better and...*Sam arrives t my home to steal me away*

***********

OK. A few days later.

So yeah. You know when I saved my dating virginity, swearing only to commit myself to a relationship only when I truly loved a person and know they returned my feelings?

Yeah. I thought that since I'd been saving it so long, I could save up all my girlfriend-ing skills and become an 1337 gf overnight. What a crock of shit.

Now that I think of it, have you heard of virgins who are fucking awesome (punny ha ha) their first time in bed?

Nah, they'll probably end up sniffling in pain while fucking and then walking like they'd been kicked in the crotch for the next few days.

So yeah. The first time being in a relationship is very confusing for me as I don't really know what to do.

Am I too demanding? Am I too distant? Should I be more lax? Should I ask him to run around more? Should I pay? Should he pay? Am I being too dependant? Am I emasculating him?

????????????

There's always a time to learn and I'm glad we're going to learn together. It's his first relationship too and he's being the ideal boyfriend wtf I'm so lucky I couldn't ask for more.

Chipette. Mengapa dia pro sangat tapi I selalu menyakitkan hati dia?

Lame sial.

For now, everything's perfect. I love him and he loves me and we love each other. (Wtf redundant much?)

It's been a long and hard time growing up since the day he planted a kiss on me out of the blue. We've been apart for more than half the time we were a couple. I had such a hard time being without him all those months in Australia.

I mean, life's great in Melbourne. Social life's great, shopping's great, studies are great, even my skin's almost always great.

But I've always had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness when I've returned home from uni/hanging out and I'm sitting alone in my room, 7000km away from the one who matters.

At one point, I moved my laptop into my room and started leaving the webcam on overnight, every night, because even that small indicator of his virtual presence calmed me into sleeping soundly.

I've had emotional breakdowns, health problems, hissy fits, bitch tantrums and he went through all of them with me without complaint.

It sounds rather stupid and naive, but after all these years, I feel like I'm finally complete.

Phrase that springs to mind is "You complete me." from Jerry Maguire. Fuck, so cheesy.

But yeah, I'd gladly become a lump of cheese for him. I could go the rest of my life without seeing or knowing anything new and be content with what we are now.

I fail to imagine any guy after him. There can't be any guy after him.

He's my perfect guy. My only guy. :)

Sometimes I wonder whether this is some sort of comfort from above for taking away my father so early - by giving me another person to love and be loved by and finally make me feel safe again.

Please don't ever take him away.

Amen.