Jaded

"I'm not like them, I'm different."

Hoho. I've been hearing that line a lot lately.

Maybe it's because I've become so cynical towards the attitudes of teenage boys nowadays. Now my guy friends are all trying to defend their own kind from my impression of them.

But seriously, just spend an hour in any public chat - Garena channels, hitz.tv chatspace, Meetoto (AHAHAHAAA) - and you'll see what I mean.

People are so desperate for a girl or guy that they'd go to such great lengths to get their attention.

Of course, this attention is very enjoyable initially, but after a while it just strikes you a pathetic cry for affection - and you'll feel just as stupid for lapping it all up and feeling smug about it.

So anyway, I'm done with boys for the moment. And the best part is that I don't feel bitter about any of it. I'm just going to wait until I grow up and have more time to dabble in this insanity - given, it was amusing listening to stories of KC's endless pursuit of this one girl and Nick's soppy recounts of every moment he spends with his not-girlfriend.

But hey, it's one thing to watch and be amused and another to actually get involved in it.

I've seen a number of guys immerse themselves completely in trying to get the girl they 'love' - until they can't go a day without speaking of her. And OH, the most annoying thing about these guys is when they customize their CS spray to the picture of the girl they're with/after.

I'm telling you, the only thing worse than getting pawned by some Ah Beng is watching him spray paint your corpse and have some Lalamui with long straightened hair poking her cheek/ doing the bug eye thing/ giving the peace sign, staring down at your lifeless body with a smirk on her face.

&*!%@&^!%@!

And these people...how would they know what love is anyway?

2 years of watching a girl/guy from afar and admiring their every move and word does not constitute 'falling in love.'

I've tried my best to be supportive and understanding of my friends who have supposedly found the one that they love (oh, puke) but I really can't hide my skepticism any more.

Maybe it's just cause it's my nature to value a person at his/her worst, just as it is Nick's nature to overlook any fault in a person. As some people would say, I can be completely blind to a person's true nature when I first meet them, hoping for the best - trying to measure them up to the image I'd created in my mind.

But when reality crashes in, oh boy, it hits hard.

Too young, too jaded.

If you meet me now, you'd find that I now assume the worst of a person.

If they work to overcome that image, good for them. If they don't, that's the way they stay in my mind - a villian. The bad guy.

AHAHA.

I sense some bitterness creeping up upon me.

Meh, I miss ranting to Nick.

Abuthen he's having his exams now (as am I) and I'm not that mean to be that thundercloud raining down upon his studiousness (and drenching all his schoolbooks in the process.)

ANYWAY.

Change of topic.

I can't wait until my exams are over.

The taste of freedom is so close I'm mentally writhing in agony until it's miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

For now, I'm still bound to the books and slightly earlier sleeping hours. Pfft.

Form 4 wasn't freedom. We still had exams and homework and student obligations etc.

The period of holidays after Form 5 wasn't really freedom either. There was still college applications to deal with, education fairs to visit. Not to mention the stress of discovering your true passion and your probable career path - if you haven't already.

You know me, I'm always lost.

But now, I feel so hopeful for the future.

I've decided on my course, finished my portfolio and sent in the application.

My accommodation is perfect - in the city with Den. Good food, HELLO!

Maybe the sense of freedom that I feel is because I'm going to move out from home for the first time in my life. There's probably much to be said about living away from your parents.

I only worry about leaving mom at home alone. As excited as I am to move away and start a relatively clean, new life in Australia, it feels wrong to leave her here alone.

Not that I can do anything about it - she wants to remain in Malaysia where her home is and her friends are.

And I admit, she gives me a hell lot of freedom for someone my age.

Many teenagers just assume it's their God given right to be able to do what they want - but parents exist for a reason (besides giving birth to you.)

Parents teach you, guide you, give you money, love you, provide a home to return to at the end of every day. The majority of us take this all for granted - after all, we were born with it. Never been without it, in fact, so why should we feel grateful?

But I do.

I see the parents of my friends clamping down their authority over them, restricting their freedom and telling them what to do. They in turn, rebel and curse the fact that they have so many rules to follow. Then they complain that their parents aren't giving them enough allowance, not allowing them enough time on the computer, monitoring their phone bills etc.

I don't know. To be honest, I've never felt smothered by my parents.

I sued to complain about my secondary school allowance - 40 ringgit per month? Hello? Ok, it was increased to 50 in Form 5, but big deal when your friends are getting 50 ringgit per WEEK.

At first, I felt quite disappointed that I only get 1/4 of what my friends are allowed to spend on themselves. But then, I found that I didn't even FINISH the 50 ringgit I had every month.

-____-

What can I say?

When you compare 50 against 200, you're bound to feel a bit disgruntled.

But then again, my clothes are paid for, storybooks are paid for, phone is paid for...in fact, the only things I've ever had to pay for is the food I eat in school. And the CDs I buy - and even then, my mom pays for some of them if she's in the mood.

Hell yeah, I'm one lucky bitch.

As for the phone bill thing?

I used to snort everytime my friends whined about the 100+ ringgit phone bill.

They'd complain and say how unfortunate it is that they have to pay for it out of their own pocket - how lucky I was to have my phone bill paid for!

Meh. If you saw my secondary school phone bill you'd shriek with laughter.

My bill per month averaged 5 ringgit.

I remember Josh cracking up when I told him this. He said: "Wait til you get to college, then you'll see a phone bill like mine."

I dismissed him, saying YEAH RIGHT!

In a way, I'm still right.

LOL.

My bill has increased - to an average of 27 ringgit per month.

Hello. I haven't hit the 100 mark yet, hard as I try.

The closest I got was a month back. And that was only because Jern was SO needy, and I didn't have the heart to tell him to fuck off (like KC suggested I do.)

THAT bill came up to a whopping 72 ringgit.

And I guess he heard about it, cause the next thing I knew, he was trying to send me phone credir (WHICH I would have GLADLY accepted - if I weren't using postpaid.)

But anyway, he's much better already. He's stopped beating himself up mentally and blaming the world for his 'sufferings' and now he only messages me online. WHOOPEE! My phone bill just heaved a sigh of relief.

Speaking of Jern, he told me he just spent 2 Gold (supposedly a lot of money, but I dunno) on WoW to buy his character a pet rabbit. White, of course. A snowshoe rabbit in fact.

See that little white dot next to the panther? Yeah, that's supposed to be me.

LOL!

I complained about how it was a snowshoe rabbit and not a snowbunnie, and he said nevermind, he'll get his hunter to tame a tiger and he'll name it Steph.

AHAHAHA. At first I wanted a panther, but he said he used to have one named after the PREVIOUS Steph, so I was like fine. Tiger it is.

Sozai. But the rabbit's gone for now - he said that even when he went into stealthed mode, the bunny was still visible to enemy's and they'd track him down and kill him. LOL.

Okay. I strayed off the point again. What was I talking about?

Oh YEAH! My freedom.

My mom was pained to see me CSing last night at 1 am when I had a 7 am Maths paper.

She was understandably angry, but she didn't ground me or anything like that. Just told me to go to sleep immediately.

And I don't show it, but I really appreciate it when she drives all the way down to Subang alone to pick me up after whatever activity I have. Like that day when we had our final (and only) dinner together as T3 on the last day of college.

She said she'd pick me up as soon as dinner was over, no worries, I don't have to stay at a friend's place and that she wanted me home safe.

Meh. Then Bryan asked me out after dinner to play pool.

I was extremely tempted to say no - I'd rather go home and play CS than go out with him and that batshit friend of his (noob wallhacker )

But he called and asked so nicely. And then texted every now and then to check on the status of my decision (waliao, like me checking my uni app compulsively everyday ahaha) that I called mom to ask if she could pick me a little bit later...say 10.30? (Also, the promise of him paying for everything sounded decidedly tempting - I hate stingy guys)

And she asked me whether that was enough time or not. I told her that I'd ask Viv if I could stay over one more night so she wouldn't have to make that 40 minute drive down alone in the dark just to pick me up, but she said 'no, no, it's perfectly alright. I'll pick you up at 11 ok?'

You know what the best thing was?

The bastard stood me up!

HAHAHAHA!

I wanted to be angry at him, but I couldn't help be amused at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. There I was, pining to go home, bathe and play DotA comfortably on my own computer and newly assembled chair from Ikea.

Instead, I gave in and agreed to go out with him...and guess where I was stranded for an hour.

AT FTZ!

PLAYING DOTA!

OH, THE IRONY!

HAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA T_______T

Oh, that bastard.

I let him boil in hot soup for a couple of days, enjoying his showering me with apologies and promises to make it to me.

Just cause it was fun.

That, and the fact that my mom was caught in traffic and had to suffer 1 hour in the driver's seat just to pick me up at 11. A traffic jam that wouldn't have happened IF we were on the road an hour earlier IF I had decided to go home like the good girl I'm supposed to be.

Pfft.

I'm never going to trouble my mom for a guy again.

Asses! The next time he wants to go out, he's going to bloody well learn how to drive, find a car and drive me home, kthx.

Anyway, the WHOLE point of this post...is that my mom rocks and boys suck.

Okay, thanks, good night!