Magna Doodleboard

I'm a magna doodleboard.

Have you ever had one as a kid? You can draw pictures on it and wipe them away and draw new ones.

I don't know who I am. I got lost trying to find out who I am. It's such a cliched story-of-a-teenager's-life and I hate it.

I feel like nobody is my friend and nobody likes me. But that must be impossible, right? Cause I'm 19 years old and I'm bound to have SOME friends and SOME people who sincerely like me.

Maybe it's my fault for being aloof. Sometimes I just want to be alone and not engage in all the social activities that teenagers have. Maybe it was me who cut off all my ties to the outside world.

I feel like I'm living in my own mind. I think about things and I never voice them out, yet expect people to understand me. I conveniently forget that humans do no read minds.

I wish I could be one of those people who can content living in seclusion. I may not be a social creature but I do crave attention sometimes. Everyone needs attention. If someone is constantly ignored, it's as if they weren't there at all and would cease to exist in our consciousness.

I'm wondering if I just up and vanished now, would anyone miss me?

I guess not. Sucks to feel replaceable, doesn't it?

I make life hard for myself. I don't TRY to make friends. I just sit around and hope that some magical bond will just materialise and a best friend will drop from the sky.

Which is ridiculous.

All this while I've been wanting people to like me for who I am, but since I no longer no who I am, I guess it's only natural that no one likes me. :S

RIDICULOUS.

I think I've been cooped up at home for too long with unnatural sleeping hours. It's killing me.

I just feel like a piece of shit, you know? Unwanted and busuk and constantly avoided.

I've stopped being friendly to new people because I keep thinking that we're probably not going to get along, so why make the effort? I've stopped flirting with guys out of respect for my boyfriend so no help on that end either.

I should go out more, but even so, I'm quite shy when it comes to people so that's no fucking use.

Why don't I rot away at home and wipe all digital traces of my life as well?

When I chat on facebook I feel forced, like I'm just chatting with those people for the sake of keeping up a facade of actually HAVING a social life.

Forget about people in gaming. There are more dishonest and obnoxious people that I care to know nowadays.

I'd call people to talk to them but I have no idea what to talk about. The only person who calls me on a regular basis is my boyfriend and that fucking creepy malay stalker dude.

People msn me all the time, but it seems like all they ask for is an extra dota kaki or COME LET'S HON/CS and I miss all my 'how are you's and 'wassup babe's.

Is that all I've become? Some person you call upon when you need to fill that 5th slot in DotA? Or the person you call upon to join your CS server because I'm a girl and that's special?

Arghhhhhh. Go away go away I hate gaming yet I love gaming and I'm addicted to it and it's raping my personality.

LET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE DAMMIT.