Momentarily incapitated

It's never as simple as it seems.

I wish everything could work out in a way that everyone is happy. Alas, sometimes it's just not meant to be.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish. Traitorous thoughts infiltrate my mind and I immediately stamp them out of my head. But they haunt me and I start to doubt myself.

I wish I could be happy without sacrificing your happiness. Maybe there's something wrong with my personality, like a subtle manufacturing defect that's not noticeable at first, but slowly becomes apparent over time.

People tell me I'm growing prettier and prettier, but I feel like my insides are decaying. I'm hideous.

I wish I could turn back time to when I still had bunny teeth, mushroom hair, glasses, braces, pimples and and granny panties.

Because then I'd have more superficial things to worry about.

I can worry about not ever being pretty or whether I'd have to marry someone with club feet and acne cause then we'd be on the same standard. I can worry about what my parents are going to say when I don't get straight As for PMR. I can worry about whether I'm going to be able to make that DotA match tonight.

Insignificant concerns.

I feel like I'm sinking back into that dark period I went through during my early teens, only now I'm moping about more important matters.

Then I wonder whether 5 or 10 years from now I'm going to look back on this period of time and laugh because I'm so silly to take things so seriously.

But this is important to me. I don't want to hurt people I love because my emotions are in turmoil. I don't want my emotions to be in turmoil because I'm trying not to hurt people I love.

It's a vicious cycle.

Why can't I just be happy and then everyone can be happy that I'm happy and then I'm happy that they're happy too?

Why a cycle of sadness and resentment instead of a cycle of happiness?

Did I choose to be this way?

I don't know. I'm sorry if I'm troubling anyone right now but I feel like I'm drowning.

I smile because it makes people happy, but it kills me inside.

I cry because I feel better, but it makes people unhappy.

When people are unhappy I don't know whether to smile and pretend I'm fine and to cry and let it all out.

And the result?

I'm sitting here blogging with an aching heart, on the verge of tears but never crying because I promised not to cry.

Pent-up emotion is no good, but crying over everything isn't good either.

I can't find that delicate balance of emotions I'm SUPPOSED to show.

I'm sorry.

I'm messed up.

Don't feel bad for anything. I think I was born this way.

I love you. I hope you all love me too.

I can't breathe.