Big Dreams

Since I was young, I've had tons of different ambitions. I could never (and still can't) really decide what I want to be when I grow up.

But I just realised that what people say has an impact on my way of thinking.
I used to love to draw and design stuff, and everyone would tell me, "Wow! You should be a graphic designer, you're so creative!"

Henceforth, every time a person asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would carelessly reply, "Oh! A graphic designer." Which would be accompanied by a weak and completely lame smile.

Truth is, up to this very day, I have absolutely no idea what a graphic designer does. Seriously. Designing graphics? Errr...

SO many times people have told me to consider a career in art and design, until I am completely sick of it. Now I rarely draw anymore, save for the compulsory doodles for every Sejarah class.

Also, people have told me: "Wah! You're so tall, you should be a model!" -_-'' Do I look like model material? I'd probably take 3 steps in those ridiculously high stilettos and fall flat on my face. That, accompanied by the fact I am completely un-photogenic, would guarantee my resume's place in the outbox.

But I used to dream anyway, about a model's life. About how fun it would be having all those people fussing over your appearance, when all you want to do is get your ass out on the catwalk and collect your next paycheck. Plus, you get free clothes too, or so I heard.

I also loved to write. I used to write completely random pieces based on anything that inspired me at the very moment. Like the piece about the Yap's hair when I was an extremely pissed-off 11-year-old who wanted to take my anger out on somebody else.

Then, my sis took that piece and presented it for her oral (aural?) exam got got nearly full marks, besides cracking everyone up. When she told me that, I was like, "Really? That's nice." I couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride, even though I thought that article was complete crap.

I still remember that humiliating incident in Form 1 when my English teacher was spouting praises about my writing - "She has a real flair for writing!" - and proceeded, to my absolutely horror, to hand around my completely horrendous English exam paper for my classmates to read.

How embarrassing. I hate allowing the TEACHER to read my work, let alone people I don't know, and in some cases, completely hated.

Needless to say, I hated the word 'flair' from then on. I've also hated every English teacher I've had so far, but they all seem to love me. Which is completely disgusting. Don't judge a person from the way they write. But maybe, if you're an English teacher, you have no choice but to do so.

Now I don't bother to write anymore, unless I absolutely have to. (Some people STILL poke fun at me - "Oi, you have a FLAIR ah!" -_-'' 4 years later. It doesn't get old, does it?)

Also, I wanted to be a major athlete. How cool would it be, to prove that girls can match, or even supercede guys in physical ability? Awesome. Spurred on by that attitude, I constantly picked fights with my guy friends or classmates.

I still have a couple of memorable incidents in primary school where I totally got even with guys who picked on me for being 'tomboy-ish' and couldn't sit with my legs together.

Once, we had to bring 'lidi's to school for an art project. Seeing this oppurtunity to misbehave, I picked up the reeds and whipped them across this guy's back. He was majorly pissed and proceeded to fight back, using his own lidi.

Alas, we were discovered by a dutifully patrolling prefect and were brought to our class teacher for disciplinary action. To be truthful, I was shaking a little, since in those days corporal punishment had not yet been abolished.

When the teacher asked us to clarify what happened, I took the chance to point fingers. "Ta zuo nong wo de! Wo shi ding zi ji er yi!" (He disturbed me! I was trying to defend myself!)

Ok, so it was horribly broken Mandarin, but my teacher got the point. And to my utmost glee, she proceeded to cane him with such force in front of the class, until I could see the boy's face scrunched up in an effort not to cry.

Am I not evil?

But please bear in mind, this was the same guy who pushed me around, tried, and failed miserably to bully the new girl in school. Too bad you messed with the wrong girl. Nyahaha. And that is only one of the numerous incidents I speak of.

But then I saw how badly it messed up those guys' mental health and ego, (haha) and I thought that I'd better stop. So I don't pick on people anymore. Not mentally, anyway.

I also used to be fairly skilled in maths, though sadly, it fails me when I need it most - during exams. Normally, I could finish every exercise in the time people took to absorb and understand the question. Because of that, people's expectations shot up so high, until even a single careless mistake in an exam would lead to a long and boring lecture about carelessness and 'studying in appropriate conditions.

CHI SIN! Do you think I'm a robot? Humans were MADE to err. Bah!

I was so sick of it, until I couldn't care less about how I did in Maths before. So what if people were disappointed in me? I mean, who cares? It's not like you could immerse yourself in a career completely based on Maths anyway. Pfft.

But right now?

Right now, I want to be...a rock star!

What are you laughing at? A girl can dream, can't she?

I don't necessarily want to front a band. I'll be content playing the guitar or drums, or something. I love music, and who wouldn't want to be adored and paid for doing something they enjoy? Besides, travelling around and performing seems really great. =D

My guitar teacher said that I pick up things 'easily', even if I don't even practice. And well, let's see where that gets me. =) For now, I'll be content doing what the average teenager does:

Eating, sleeping and playing. ;o) That's the life for me.

For now, anyway.