Despite how much I say I hate loneliness, it feels good once in a while.
Try spending a whole day alone, in public, without your friends.
In a way, it makes you feel somewhat independent - reassured that you can still survive without companionship for brief periods of time.
Everyday, we're accompanied by our friends.
I forget what it feels like to be alone.
On Friday, I sat in a chair at Ftz with my legs drawn up against my chest playing CS alone.
Viv was in Pulau Perhentian; Julian had decided to cut half the day's classes; and Ying was on her way to college - after skipping the first 3 classes.
steph, you're alone?
yea
where's the others?
one on the way, rest not coming
do you know my name?
Erm...*cough*
I hear a burst of laughter a few aisles away.
i know la, let me think
At that moment, Ying draws up the chair next to me with her lips tightly pressed together - a sign of playfulness.
"Ying! Who's that?"
"Huh?"
"That fella."
I stab at the name on my screen.
lol, i'm aaron
"The bunnyhunter is Aaron la."
"Oh. I knew that."
He asked me to go have lunch with him, but I declined.
I walked off to class with Ying.
I just wanted to enjoy the silence for a while, what with the temporary absence of noisemaker Viv.
Not that I find her banter annoying, it's just a relief to retreat back into wordlessness for a bit; to not feel obliged to respond.
Later on in the day, I watched a movie alone for the first time in my life.
I'd been itching to do so for a while now - to feel what it's like - but there are always people to keep me company.
So when the oppurtunity rose...
I've finally experienced the long, exhaustingly hot queue of last-minute ticket buyers. I stood in line, shouldering my college backpack for roughly 20 minutes, staring at the screen and deciding what movie to watch.
I really wanted to watch Wanted, because I don't recall ever seeing Angelina Jolie as an actress - only as a humanitarian who adopts insane amounts of kids.
However, it was 18PL.
Still, I was undaunted, ready to whip out my college ID and show them that I was a college student while insisting that my birthday was in June.
If required, I'd even shove my IC under their noses, pointing at the month of my birthday.
Index finger conveniently covering the birth year, of course.
I collected my single ticket - raising the eyebrows of the guy who handed me my ticket.
"One seat?"
"One."
"Only one?"
"Only one."
After that, I trotted off to McDonalds where I decided to stuff a Chicken McNugget meal into my backpack and brazenly walk into the theatre while hoping that no one stops to investigate the delicious smell of fresh french fries emanating from over my shoulder.
I bagged my Sprite and slunk off to the cinema.
Squaring my shoulders in anticipation for any confrontation - underage, bringing in food, late - I marched up to the entrance.
I handed my ticket over.
The guy gave a quick glance at the giant '18PL' stamped across it.
Then he looked at me.
I narrowed my eyes and returned the stare.
He smiled.
"Enjoy your movie!"
I plopped myself in front of the screen - front and centre.
Literally; first row, smack dab in the middle.
Thank God for my habit of slouching.
If my sister ever went, her neck would be stuck 45 degrees upwards for a few hours - not that she'd EVER contemplate buying a front row ticket.
And it was all good, besides the fact that my Sprite leaked and dripped all over the copy of Marley and Me in my backpack. The taste of slightly soggy but still irresistable french fries was worth wiping the book on my pants, though.
I didn't feel alone at all, what with the people surrounding me - gasping and laughing at the same moments. Stupid guy elbowing me from the side. People accidentally kicking the back of your chair as they shifted positions.
And no one to interrupt your viewing with stupid questions when they've lost the plot.
A peaceful night so far.
I arrived home to KC and Nicky's welcome.
In anticipation of the long night of gaming ahead of me that Nicky so enthusiastically promised, I told him that I was exhausted and had to shower first.
I came back, feeling cheered, refreshed and at ease.
"Ok, let's play."
"Uh, I..."
"Tonight's our night right? Since you don't have to wake up early tomorrow?"
"I'm, er, playing with Zerick."
"What the fuck?"
"I promised him that..."
"You promised me."
"Do you want to play with us? I could..."
"Forget it. Play with Zerick."
"I..."
"Forget it. Play. With. Zerick."
KC coughed.
"Uh guys? I'm going mapling."
"Go ahead."
10 minutes later, I announced that I was tired.
"Good night. I'm going to bed."
"Stephy, wait..."
"I'm tired."
I ended the call and prepared to sleep. I was glad that I'd be able to sleep before midnight for once - it was roughly 11.45pm.
I crawled under the sheets with mixed feelings.
The whole day was all good.
Nicky had finally learned not to throw apologies around like they were worthless, but he has yet to stop making promises lightly.
I felt disappointed.
Nevertheless, I fell asleep quite easily, slightly pleased with myself for sleeping so early.
After 10 hours of sound sleep, I awoke happily.
Sufficient sleep, no music class today and the notion of seeing my friends at night.
I rolled out of bed and climbed into my comfortable perch in front of the computer and switched it on.
My serene feeling as I was blowing people's heads off was abruptedly interrupted by a banging on my door.
I grunted and opened it.
My mom started swearing at me, yelling that I was an idiot repeatedly.
I didn't even understand why.
It wasn't my fualt.
I sat down in the bathroom and cried.
And my whole day was ruined, just like that.
I spoke only when I needed to.
I ignored Nicky and proceeded to only layan Josh - I knew for a fact that doing so drove him nuts.
I fell asleep on the bed, even though I had more than enough sleep the night before.
I woke up and played 3 games of DotA.
Got called a kser, but I decided it wasn't worth my effort to clarify things.
Then, I ran off to CS with Lim, where I cheered up a little by teasing him - we both sucked at knifing.
He killed me. I pouted. He stood still and let me stab him to death, hoping it would placate me.
It didn't, but I appreciated the effort. Later, it was guns out and I killed him fair and square.
He wanted to sleep, but I refused to let him.
Suddenly I was terrified of being left alone again.
I put my foot down and said no, no, no, you cannot sleep yet. Stay with me.
He stayed for another half hour until Wen Jie showed up.
As I greeted him gleefully, Lim said that fine, I have Jie now so can he go and sleep now that I don't need him any more?
I bade him good night and proceeded to persuade Jie to layan me for the night.
He did so, until after one DotA game he told me that he was exhausted - he'd been up for nearly 20 hours and his eyes were all red.
So I said, rest.
He did.
Left alone once more, I started to grow restless.
Josh went to bed ages ago when Nicky refused to let him have the computer so that he could play with me. Joshie's comp had no graphics card and no microphone.
I was annoyed.
Nicky was only using msn and yet wouldn't allow Josh to use the gaming comp.
=_= On the bright side, it's good to know that he's feeling annoyed that I'm ignoring him.
Which is rather petty of me, really.
Oh well. If you can't fulfil a promise - don't promise me then.
After a day full of silence, restless sleep and spite...I still don't get what I did.
Something inside me is slowly diminishing.
I hope that it will not completely fade away.
What will happen then?
Loneliness, presumably.
Try spending a whole day alone, in public, without your friends.
In a way, it makes you feel somewhat independent - reassured that you can still survive without companionship for brief periods of time.
Everyday, we're accompanied by our friends.
I forget what it feels like to be alone.
On Friday, I sat in a chair at Ftz with my legs drawn up against my chest playing CS alone.
Viv was in Pulau Perhentian; Julian had decided to cut half the day's classes; and Ying was on her way to college - after skipping the first 3 classes.
steph, you're alone?
yea
where's the others?
one on the way, rest not coming
do you know my name?
Erm...*cough*
I hear a burst of laughter a few aisles away.
i know la, let me think
At that moment, Ying draws up the chair next to me with her lips tightly pressed together - a sign of playfulness.
"Ying! Who's that?"
"Huh?"
"That fella."
I stab at the name on my screen.
lol, i'm aaron
"The bunnyhunter is Aaron la."
"Oh. I knew that."
He asked me to go have lunch with him, but I declined.
I walked off to class with Ying.
I just wanted to enjoy the silence for a while, what with the temporary absence of noisemaker Viv.
Not that I find her banter annoying, it's just a relief to retreat back into wordlessness for a bit; to not feel obliged to respond.
Later on in the day, I watched a movie alone for the first time in my life.
I'd been itching to do so for a while now - to feel what it's like - but there are always people to keep me company.
So when the oppurtunity rose...
I've finally experienced the long, exhaustingly hot queue of last-minute ticket buyers. I stood in line, shouldering my college backpack for roughly 20 minutes, staring at the screen and deciding what movie to watch.
I really wanted to watch Wanted, because I don't recall ever seeing Angelina Jolie as an actress - only as a humanitarian who adopts insane amounts of kids.
However, it was 18PL.
Still, I was undaunted, ready to whip out my college ID and show them that I was a college student while insisting that my birthday was in June.
If required, I'd even shove my IC under their noses, pointing at the month of my birthday.
Index finger conveniently covering the birth year, of course.
I collected my single ticket - raising the eyebrows of the guy who handed me my ticket.
"One seat?"
"One."
"Only one?"
"Only one."
After that, I trotted off to McDonalds where I decided to stuff a Chicken McNugget meal into my backpack and brazenly walk into the theatre while hoping that no one stops to investigate the delicious smell of fresh french fries emanating from over my shoulder.
I bagged my Sprite and slunk off to the cinema.
Squaring my shoulders in anticipation for any confrontation - underage, bringing in food, late - I marched up to the entrance.
I handed my ticket over.
The guy gave a quick glance at the giant '18PL' stamped across it.
Then he looked at me.
I narrowed my eyes and returned the stare.
He smiled.
"Enjoy your movie!"
I plopped myself in front of the screen - front and centre.
Literally; first row, smack dab in the middle.
Thank God for my habit of slouching.
If my sister ever went, her neck would be stuck 45 degrees upwards for a few hours - not that she'd EVER contemplate buying a front row ticket.
And it was all good, besides the fact that my Sprite leaked and dripped all over the copy of Marley and Me in my backpack. The taste of slightly soggy but still irresistable french fries was worth wiping the book on my pants, though.
I didn't feel alone at all, what with the people surrounding me - gasping and laughing at the same moments. Stupid guy elbowing me from the side. People accidentally kicking the back of your chair as they shifted positions.
And no one to interrupt your viewing with stupid questions when they've lost the plot.
A peaceful night so far.
I arrived home to KC and Nicky's welcome.
In anticipation of the long night of gaming ahead of me that Nicky so enthusiastically promised, I told him that I was exhausted and had to shower first.
I came back, feeling cheered, refreshed and at ease.
"Ok, let's play."
"Uh, I..."
"Tonight's our night right? Since you don't have to wake up early tomorrow?"
"I'm, er, playing with Zerick."
"What the fuck?"
"I promised him that..."
"You promised me."
"Do you want to play with us? I could..."
"Forget it. Play with Zerick."
"I..."
"Forget it. Play. With. Zerick."
KC coughed.
"Uh guys? I'm going mapling."
"Go ahead."
10 minutes later, I announced that I was tired.
"Good night. I'm going to bed."
"Stephy, wait..."
"I'm tired."
I ended the call and prepared to sleep. I was glad that I'd be able to sleep before midnight for once - it was roughly 11.45pm.
I crawled under the sheets with mixed feelings.
The whole day was all good.
Nicky had finally learned not to throw apologies around like they were worthless, but he has yet to stop making promises lightly.
I felt disappointed.
Nevertheless, I fell asleep quite easily, slightly pleased with myself for sleeping so early.
After 10 hours of sound sleep, I awoke happily.
Sufficient sleep, no music class today and the notion of seeing my friends at night.
I rolled out of bed and climbed into my comfortable perch in front of the computer and switched it on.
My serene feeling as I was blowing people's heads off was abruptedly interrupted by a banging on my door.
I grunted and opened it.
My mom started swearing at me, yelling that I was an idiot repeatedly.
I didn't even understand why.
It wasn't my fualt.
I sat down in the bathroom and cried.
And my whole day was ruined, just like that.
I spoke only when I needed to.
I ignored Nicky and proceeded to only layan Josh - I knew for a fact that doing so drove him nuts.
I fell asleep on the bed, even though I had more than enough sleep the night before.
I woke up and played 3 games of DotA.
Got called a kser, but I decided it wasn't worth my effort to clarify things.
Then, I ran off to CS with Lim, where I cheered up a little by teasing him - we both sucked at knifing.
He killed me. I pouted. He stood still and let me stab him to death, hoping it would placate me.
It didn't, but I appreciated the effort. Later, it was guns out and I killed him fair and square.
He wanted to sleep, but I refused to let him.
Suddenly I was terrified of being left alone again.
I put my foot down and said no, no, no, you cannot sleep yet. Stay with me.
He stayed for another half hour until Wen Jie showed up.
As I greeted him gleefully, Lim said that fine, I have Jie now so can he go and sleep now that I don't need him any more?
I bade him good night and proceeded to persuade Jie to layan me for the night.
He did so, until after one DotA game he told me that he was exhausted - he'd been up for nearly 20 hours and his eyes were all red.
So I said, rest.
He did.
Left alone once more, I started to grow restless.
Josh went to bed ages ago when Nicky refused to let him have the computer so that he could play with me. Joshie's comp had no graphics card and no microphone.
I was annoyed.
Nicky was only using msn and yet wouldn't allow Josh to use the gaming comp.
=_= On the bright side, it's good to know that he's feeling annoyed that I'm ignoring him.
Which is rather petty of me, really.
Oh well. If you can't fulfil a promise - don't promise me then.
After a day full of silence, restless sleep and spite...I still don't get what I did.
Something inside me is slowly diminishing.
I hope that it will not completely fade away.
What will happen then?
Loneliness, presumably.
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