Adjustments

It is inevitable that change would come.

Will come?

Was...had come?

Okay.
Maybe not so much, (still confused over basic grammar, I see) but I have changed all the same.

I still procrastinate and leave my work until the last possible moment.
I still don't take kindly to certain types of teachers.
I still skip classes.

Although my work ethic still leaves much to be desired, I have stopped doing work half-heartedly and instead I pour at least 85% of effort into it (100% - that, I can't do.)
Otherwise I'll just leave it be.

I've started asking my lecturers questions, ever since I started reading up work I've fallen behind on. I find that I understand most of it - and I can't stand learning something halfway through and I don't trust my classmate's explanations so I have no choice but to ask the lecturers. -_-

I've started smiling more and at the right times.
If I don't feel like smiling, I don't bother.
If I do, I no longer hold it back.
It's such a waste, smiles can do wonders. =)

I no longer care as much as I used to about pleasing everyone.
It just can't be done. What's important is to please the ones who make you happy.
Thos who aggravate and antogonize you? Forget them. They aren't a priority.

They can call you all manner of names and put you down as they wish, but the effort is futile as long as you don't take it to heart.
Who's the loser now, then?

However, I find myself caring less for people.
I don't know exactly why, but I blame my instinct for self-preservation.
If someone hurts my feelings, I distance myself from them immediately to prevent further pain.

At first it hurts, then after a while, I find myself not caring any more.
That may be why when people ask me 'don't you have a best friend?' I roll my eyes and say I love myself the most of all.

It sounds horribly self-centered and selfish, but I still find myself unable to attach to a particular person for long.

If you spend your life caring for someone else, that's alright if they return your affection. That's wonderful in fact - to be able to rely and put all your trust in one person.
But what happens if they don't?
But what happens if they leave?
What happens if they die?
Who's going to take care of you then?

The person whose wellbeing you should make your #1 priority is none other than yourself.

If you break down, who can you count on to give you unconditional support?

For most people, it's their family, but even they can't be there for you 24/7. They have lives to lead and their own problems to solve, without the extra burden of putting YOUR life back in order.

I'm sorry if I'm being selfish.

I just find it hard to put someone else's life before mine especially when I'm not doing so well myself. So I'm sorry if I'm not always there for you when you want me there - I try, but I have my own life to handle too.

So unless I can count on you to help me through my rough patches as I guide you through yours, I cannot help you without suffering a mental breakdown. I'm not that strong, despite what people say.

But that's not to say I don't appreciate every effort that people put in to help me, however small or seemingly insignificant.

Rest assured I will be there to help if it is asked of me, but how helpful I can actually BE depends on the situation.

There was a time when I threw myself wholeheartedly into helping my friends people solve their problems as I found it somewhat satisfying, fulfilling and meaningful (oh, save the cheese) - with their academic life, family life, love life, issues with themselves - and I found that I had been neglecting my own issues; this rapidly spiralled into cause for minor depression and moments of feeling utterly out of control of my own life.

Oh, the drama of adolescence.

Don't we all have to go through it?

For those who have helped me selflessly through my tough times and gave unconditional support, I am extremely grateful. =) I will try not to fall apart anymore, heh. Based on my theory of interpersonal support systems - that would mean leaving you all less time to deal with your own issues = selfish.

People say life without passion is not worth living.

They are wrong.
They forget that there's always hope that one fine day you'll find your passion, and THEN you'll be glad you're still alive. Heh.

But for now, wandering, wandering...I'm lost but it doesn't really matter.
Enjoy the moment.


Song of the Day:

"Paint My Love - MLTR"

Don't you think it's time I went to bed? Rofl. Tomorrow I'll be like what the HELL did I just write last night? x_X Yet I find myself a tad more open and occassionally more honest/blunt when I'm sleepy. The brain-mouth/fingers filter is temporarily switched off. Go figure.