I just read Sherman's replied tag and it made me wonder.
He says he misses his mom a lot.
And that reminded me of what my piano teacher remarked that day.
"No la. I don't think you think of your dad everyday right? Can't be laaaaa!"
"In fact, I do."
"No way la! Even I don't think of my parents everyday what."
"-___- Well, for one, they died FOREVER ago. Number two, you're all grown up, you have your own life - you don't STAY with your parents anymore. For me it's easier to miss someone when they're SUPPOSED to be physically at home with you."
"...Maybe."
Walao.
Have I told you about the times I wanted to whack my piano teacher?
I mean, some days she seems to mean well, but some days she's just PUSHING it.
She asked me, did I cry throughout the whole ordeal?
"Once."
"That's it?"
"Mmhmm."
I mean, after the horrible phone call I had my 20 minutes of breakdown but I made myself stop after that.
How could I cry in front of my mother who lost a life partner?
How could I cry in front of someone who watched the love of their life die right before their eyes and was unable to do a thing about it?
The least I thought I could do was to compose myself.
No one saw me cry, except for my maid who was there with me alone in the house.
And one of mom's friends. It was an accident.
I was lying on the bed staring blankly at the ceiling.
She sat down next to me and put her hand over my heart.
"Don't you want to talk about it?"
"I'd rather not."
"How about your friends?"
"I. Don't. Want. To."
"You don't have someone you confide in? No one at all?"
"I confide in myself."
"Your heart is not well. You can always talk to your friends - Brandon, Sashwiny - they're there for you, you know?"
"..."
"Your heart is hurt. One day you have to talk, otherwise you're not going to get better."
"..."
She left.
A single tear slid down my cheek.
I'm not sure if she saw.
But what I felt like screaming at her was that no, no one was there for me besides Ling.
No one dared to look me in the eye even for a week after that.
There for me. Right.
"Wow, that's why I said - you're a strong person."
"Depends on how you look at it."
Truthfully, I don't think I could handle the sympathy right then - I'd rather just shut myself away and let my mom and sister have all the comfort.
I was alternately wounded and comforted.
Wounded by the fact that only one of my friends had the guts to come over and comfort me in my current state.
Comforted by the fact that I DID have one friend that came over to comfort me in that state.
Even after that, I was not a happy person.
I did not cry except to myself, even though looking back, I should have cried more often, instead of harbouring all that bitterness inside.
I was not a happy person.
I still remember what my class teacher said to me the following week when I returned to school.
"Takziah ya Stephanie."
"Terima kasih."
"Tapi, lain kali sila hubungi sekolah ya? Jangan saja tak datang ke sekolah tanpa beritahu sebab."
"..."
Lain kali?
You think there will be a fucking LAIN KALI where my father dies again?
Go die la bitch.
-___-
And how about my fucking lame excuse for a headmistress who was all pretty words and sympathy in front of me, but gossiping behind my back?
Word travels.
As an adult who deals with relationships, she should know that.
About that fiasco about our beloved temporary EST teacher - the letter of which I wrote on behalf of my class about his incompetence.
Did you know that when the teacher in question discussed it with my headmistress, she actually hinted that I was not mentally sound after my father's death and that it was a mere ploy to SEEK ATTENTION?
Asshole.
And they had a good laugh about it.
Oooh, how's that for professionalism, teacher?
Trying to minimise your own faults and refocus the negative attention upon students who decided to take official action against you by criticising the mental state of a SINGLE STUDENT?
Never mind, you don't even qualify to be a person - let alone a teacher - so I shall not mention you further.
._.
I digress.
And now, the crux of the post. (Hah. Finally.)
What I meant to say was, is hiding your feelings from the world strong?
Is quashing your feelings from yourself considered strong?
Some people seem to think so.
But what I think is that the ability the verbalise and show your current emotional state and handle the consequences is what makes someone a stronger person.
Being able to face your own depression, hurt, anger and being able to console yourself is what makes you a strong person.
Isn't it?
I don't know. That's just what I think. =/
But everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Everyone has their own degree of empathy and emotional tolerance.
-got distracted-
Song of the Day:
"We're All To Blame - Sum 41"
I'll be back!
He says he misses his mom a lot.
And that reminded me of what my piano teacher remarked that day.
"No la. I don't think you think of your dad everyday right? Can't be laaaaa!"
"In fact, I do."
"No way la! Even I don't think of my parents everyday what."
"-___- Well, for one, they died FOREVER ago. Number two, you're all grown up, you have your own life - you don't STAY with your parents anymore. For me it's easier to miss someone when they're SUPPOSED to be physically at home with you."
"...Maybe."
Walao.
Have I told you about the times I wanted to whack my piano teacher?
I mean, some days she seems to mean well, but some days she's just PUSHING it.
She asked me, did I cry throughout the whole ordeal?
"Once."
"That's it?"
"Mmhmm."
I mean, after the horrible phone call I had my 20 minutes of breakdown but I made myself stop after that.
How could I cry in front of my mother who lost a life partner?
How could I cry in front of someone who watched the love of their life die right before their eyes and was unable to do a thing about it?
The least I thought I could do was to compose myself.
No one saw me cry, except for my maid who was there with me alone in the house.
And one of mom's friends. It was an accident.
I was lying on the bed staring blankly at the ceiling.
She sat down next to me and put her hand over my heart.
"Don't you want to talk about it?"
"I'd rather not."
"How about your friends?"
"I. Don't. Want. To."
"You don't have someone you confide in? No one at all?"
"I confide in myself."
"Your heart is not well. You can always talk to your friends - Brandon, Sashwiny - they're there for you, you know?"
"..."
"Your heart is hurt. One day you have to talk, otherwise you're not going to get better."
"..."
She left.
A single tear slid down my cheek.
I'm not sure if she saw.
But what I felt like screaming at her was that no, no one was there for me besides Ling.
No one dared to look me in the eye even for a week after that.
There for me. Right.
"Wow, that's why I said - you're a strong person."
"Depends on how you look at it."
Truthfully, I don't think I could handle the sympathy right then - I'd rather just shut myself away and let my mom and sister have all the comfort.
I was alternately wounded and comforted.
Wounded by the fact that only one of my friends had the guts to come over and comfort me in my current state.
Comforted by the fact that I DID have one friend that came over to comfort me in that state.
Even after that, I was not a happy person.
I did not cry except to myself, even though looking back, I should have cried more often, instead of harbouring all that bitterness inside.
I was not a happy person.
I still remember what my class teacher said to me the following week when I returned to school.
"Takziah ya Stephanie."
"Terima kasih."
"Tapi, lain kali sila hubungi sekolah ya? Jangan saja tak datang ke sekolah tanpa beritahu sebab."
"..."
Lain kali?
You think there will be a fucking LAIN KALI where my father dies again?
Go die la bitch.
-___-
And how about my fucking lame excuse for a headmistress who was all pretty words and sympathy in front of me, but gossiping behind my back?
Word travels.
As an adult who deals with relationships, she should know that.
About that fiasco about our beloved temporary EST teacher - the letter of which I wrote on behalf of my class about his incompetence.
Did you know that when the teacher in question discussed it with my headmistress, she actually hinted that I was not mentally sound after my father's death and that it was a mere ploy to SEEK ATTENTION?
go easy on her, she's disturbed
Asshole.
And they had a good laugh about it.
reclusive, depressed maniac who is seeking attention
Oooh, how's that for professionalism, teacher?
Trying to minimise your own faults and refocus the negative attention upon students who decided to take official action against you by criticising the mental state of a SINGLE STUDENT?
Never mind, you don't even qualify to be a person - let alone a teacher - so I shall not mention you further.
._.
I digress.
And now, the crux of the post. (Hah. Finally.)
What I meant to say was, is hiding your feelings from the world strong?
Is quashing your feelings from yourself considered strong?
Some people seem to think so.
But what I think is that the ability the verbalise and show your current emotional state and handle the consequences is what makes someone a stronger person.
Being able to face your own depression, hurt, anger and being able to console yourself is what makes you a strong person.
Isn't it?
I don't know. That's just what I think. =/
But everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Everyone has their own degree of empathy and emotional tolerance.
-got distracted-
Song of the Day:
"We're All To Blame - Sum 41"
I'll be back!
2 comments:
<3
i miss my dad very much too.
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