"For the first time, you actually sounded scared."
"Me scared? Noooo..."
"No, you actually sounded human for a second."
"So you're implying that I'm a robot?"
"Nonono! I mean that you ACT like a robot."
"WOW thanks I feel so much better now =_="
"Hahaha, I mean..."
"Psh. Shuddup!"
What the face does not give away will be betrayed by the voice.
But then again, if I don't speak at all, they'll know something's up anyway. -_-
Mom says I scared Den until she couldn't sleep.
Sorry. =(
I had a nightmare last night.
I was terrified.
I woke up normally, then immediately started hyperventilating; I was paralysed in fear.
I didn't want to move from my foetal position on the bed.
It was as if my worst fear had come true, and it was partly my fault.
What if it was true?
What if I opened my door, and...?
However, common sense took over and dragged me to my heels and into the bathroom to wash my face.
Paranoia made me ensure that the doors were properly locked; I kept looking in the mirror every few seconds to make sure that everything is as it should be.
How many people know what my true fear is?
If you do, then you have a gist of the feelings I experienced this morning.
Until now, the scene keeps flashing before me repeatedly, bringing fresh tears to my eyes every time I think of it - even now. If Den was disturbed by what I showed her earlier - she'd be running around in hysteria right now if she dreamed what I dreamt.
What happened tonight was surreal.
Mom was panicky and acting all paranoid.
"You told him?"
"Yes, cause I couldn't read it."
"You shouldn't have told him. Why did you tell him?"
"But I couldn't understand it otherwise! Don't worry, he isn't going to tell anybody."
"How do you know?"
"He won't, ok?"
"How do you know if he's trustworthy? Have you met him?"
"Mom. I trust him perfectly and you know to trust my judgment in picking friends. You're being paranoid."
"Sigh. No, I'm just worried."
"Me too. But he's alright, ok?"
"Okay."
Besides requiring that particular skill to interpret it, I needed to tell someone, needed to let out all the panic building up inside me.
At the moment I did not trust anyone else to not talk to anyone about it or the be opinionated or judgmental on the matter.
And I'm glad I didn't have to suffer alone tonight.
It's comforting to have a voice to reassure you that everything will be ok, even as you mutter rubbish in annoyance while you're playing DotA cause he can hear the underlying nervousness in your voice.
I can hear him trying to convince his mom that YES he will sleep soon the moment the match is over and NO he won't wake her unless someone scores a goal - no I'm KIDDING mommy please go to sleep now.
And I start to feel envy.
Why can't my life be more normal?
Why should I have to live in constant fear and anxiety the way I did a few years ago?
You probably wouldn't understand the terror I went through those last few nights until it finally ended.
After it did, I didn't whether to cry in pain or in relief.
My heart ached, and at the same moment a burden was lifted off.
Like a wound constantly healing and reopening at the same time - that's what I felt like.
And it's starting all over again.
I'm scared.
I will admit it.
I have admitted it.
That is not to say that I will not continue my life normally.
I won't let fear stand in the way, I won't let fear be an excuse to break down and withdraw into myself.
It will pass.
It always does.
And it will this time, too.
Song of the Day:
"Eva - Nightwish"
Why?
"Me scared? Noooo..."
"No, you actually sounded human for a second."
"So you're implying that I'm a robot?"
"Nonono! I mean that you ACT like a robot."
"WOW thanks I feel so much better now =_="
"Hahaha, I mean..."
"Psh. Shuddup!"
What the face does not give away will be betrayed by the voice.
But then again, if I don't speak at all, they'll know something's up anyway. -_-
Mom says I scared Den until she couldn't sleep.
Sorry. =(
I had a nightmare last night.
I was terrified.
I woke up normally, then immediately started hyperventilating; I was paralysed in fear.
I didn't want to move from my foetal position on the bed.
It was as if my worst fear had come true, and it was partly my fault.
What if it was true?
What if I opened my door, and...?
However, common sense took over and dragged me to my heels and into the bathroom to wash my face.
Paranoia made me ensure that the doors were properly locked; I kept looking in the mirror every few seconds to make sure that everything is as it should be.
How many people know what my true fear is?
If you do, then you have a gist of the feelings I experienced this morning.
Until now, the scene keeps flashing before me repeatedly, bringing fresh tears to my eyes every time I think of it - even now. If Den was disturbed by what I showed her earlier - she'd be running around in hysteria right now if she dreamed what I dreamt.
What happened tonight was surreal.
Mom was panicky and acting all paranoid.
"You told him?"
"Yes, cause I couldn't read it."
"You shouldn't have told him. Why did you tell him?"
"But I couldn't understand it otherwise! Don't worry, he isn't going to tell anybody."
"How do you know?"
"He won't, ok?"
"How do you know if he's trustworthy? Have you met him?"
"Mom. I trust him perfectly and you know to trust my judgment in picking friends. You're being paranoid."
"Sigh. No, I'm just worried."
"Me too. But he's alright, ok?"
"Okay."
Besides requiring that particular skill to interpret it, I needed to tell someone, needed to let out all the panic building up inside me.
At the moment I did not trust anyone else to not talk to anyone about it or the be opinionated or judgmental on the matter.
And I'm glad I didn't have to suffer alone tonight.
It's comforting to have a voice to reassure you that everything will be ok, even as you mutter rubbish in annoyance while you're playing DotA cause he can hear the underlying nervousness in your voice.
I can hear him trying to convince his mom that YES he will sleep soon the moment the match is over and NO he won't wake her unless someone scores a goal - no I'm KIDDING mommy please go to sleep now.
And I start to feel envy.
Why can't my life be more normal?
Why should I have to live in constant fear and anxiety the way I did a few years ago?
You probably wouldn't understand the terror I went through those last few nights until it finally ended.
After it did, I didn't whether to cry in pain or in relief.
My heart ached, and at the same moment a burden was lifted off.
Like a wound constantly healing and reopening at the same time - that's what I felt like.
And it's starting all over again.
I'm scared.
I will admit it.
I have admitted it.
That is not to say that I will not continue my life normally.
I won't let fear stand in the way, I won't let fear be an excuse to break down and withdraw into myself.
It will pass.
It always does.
And it will this time, too.
Song of the Day:
"Eva - Nightwish"
Why?
1 comment:
i feel the same and imagine being so far away from it all. it isn't any better =/
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